Still Fighting It
by Austin Gates
Summary: Sam Evans is barely staying afloat at Dalton Academy. As he reaches edge of a breakdown, he meets Blaine. Can Sam put aside his own fears and accept Blaine's help? Sam's POV. Story Complete, Reviews still welcome.
1. Cry

**Prologue – Cry**

_("Cry" by Kelly Clarkson)_

**Author's Note: **I have reposted this entire story in its revised form. All extraneous author notes have been removed, however, you will find an afterward at the end of the epilogue. Thanks for reading!

A. Gates

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

I never let anyone see me cry. But every day I do. In the morning, I hear my alarm clock go off and when I finally wake up enough to realize I'm awake, I want to cry. And when I'm in the shower thinking of the day ahead of me, I want to cry. And when I'm at school, in that dumb uniform, I want to cry. I hold it back all day. And when I finally get back to my dorm, it all comes to the surface. I feel so stupid when it happens. But what else am I supposed to do? It's like there's this constant dread hanging over me all day long. I need a release. Don't get all judgmental on me! If you had my life, you'd understand.

I start every morning the same way. After cursing out my alarm clock, I go into the bathroom and stop dead in front of the mirror. "Today will be the day you say it out loud," I tell myself. I study my face in the mirror. Looking back at me, I see my 15 year old reflection looking dazed and confused. I see my pale skin. My emerald eyes stare back at me, knowing what I've wanted to say every morning of my life. I push my light blonde hair down as best as I can, trying to tame it. But it's no use, especially in the morning. My hair sticks out in all sorts of directions. I guess it's one of those downfalls to having longer hair. Well I mean, for a guy that is. I smile as I examine my teeth. Finally, I stand up straight, look directly into my eyes, and try to say out loud the one truth I can't bear. It's a truth I've known for some time. But for some reason or another, I find myself fighting it. Look, I've always tried my best to stick with girls, making out with them, feeling them up. But there's nothing there. Nothing worth being excited or passionate about. I guess you could say I'm one hell of an actor. And when I stare at myself in the mirror and all I want to do is say those three words, the three words that I know will set me free, I can't do it. "I. Am." No. Not today. I can't say it today. Maybe tomorrow.

I guess batting for my own team isn't the worst thing in the world that could happen to me. Getting kicked out of Dalton could be worse. Maybe. Dyslexia is one bitch of an unsatisfactory situation. Have you ever looked at a page of words and read a line, and then realized that none of it made sense? So you have to go back and reread it and then reread it again? Or how about in math class when you mix up numbers by mistake and get the wrong answer? Those things only happen once in a while, right? Wrong. Try every day. All day. Reading billboards, signs, letters, Facebook, all of it like one big jumbled up mess. The only thing that ever made sense to me, the only thing I can read without a sliver of problem, is music. So you can imagine how frustrating it is to have your parents push you to go to a private school where academic excellence isn't expected, it's enforced. Eight hours of trying my hardest to get everything in the right order has passed me along with a string of B's and C's. Not exactly the academic excellence that Dalton boasts.

When I get back to the dorms, the guys on my floor just don't stop. I walk in the door and all they do is rag on me. All day, all night, all the time. It never ends. It was about a month ago that I started barricading myself in my bedroom. I would rush past the common room and into my bedroom before anyone could say anything to me. And when I got there, I would lock the door, turn on my music, and just listen. Listen all sorts of music. The simple harmonies, the catchy melodies, the beautifully calm acoustic songs, all of it breezing through my room. When I listen to music, I feel like a strainer. The music sifts through my entire body, reaching parts of me that have never been experienced. It was a feeling like no other in the world. I was sure nothing could ever give me that feeling again.

That was until I met Blaine. I had gotten my first slushie at Dalton and as I felt the deep red liquid run over my head, down my neck, and under my shirt, he came out of nowhere. With his hazel eyes that cut right through me and a face that made my stomach jump. His face was so solid, with a rough jaw line, but soft features. It blew my mind that the two could exist in the same space. When he took my hand, it sent jolts of electricity through my body. And as he took me into the closest bathroom to help me get cleaned up, I didn't thank him. I didn't smile back when he shot me one of those heart melting smiles. I didn't even run away from him. What did I do?

I cried.


	2. Green Eyes

**Chapter 1 – Green Eyes**

_("Green Eyes" by Coldplay)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

"Whoa, man, calm down," he told me. The tears began streaming down my face as he led me down the back hallway and into the bathroom. "It's only a slushie. It could be a lot worse," he said before pulling a chair from the hallway into the bathroom. I couldn't stop crying. What the hell was going on? How could this one stupid slushie turn me into a weeping idiot? "Come sit here," he said, pointing to the chair he placed in front of the sink. His voice was so calm, so smooth, like the inside of a chocolate turtle. He put his hand on my shoulder and guided me to the chair. As I sat down I started to realize what was going on.

I tried my hardest to stop the crying. The stupid, endless sobbing. I felt like such a dumbass. But I couldn't stop. "I'm…I'm sorry, I…" But a full sentence never came out.

"Just breathe," he said, turning on the water in the sink. "Don't apologize." Why was he being so damn nice? Nobody at this school had really said much of anything to me yet. I mean, sure I heard them talk about me when I walked into the library, or when we got an exam grade back. I knew they noticed me. At least enough to talk shit about me. So maybe I'm not the smartest kid in school. Or the most outgoing. Or the most popular. But I didn't care about any of that. I just wanted to get through my day without any hassle.

"I'm sorry," I said, my tears finally subsiding. I wiped my nose with my sleeve as I watched him take off his own blazer. "Why are you helping me?" I asked as I began to cringe from the combination of sticky slushie syrup and tears running down my neck.

"Because I used to be you," he said simply. "When I was at my old school. What's your name?" he asked, leaning down next to me and pulling a towel out of his bag. I looked at him dumbfounded.

"Uh…Sam. I'm Sam," I stuttered, wiping my eyes with my hand. I took off my shirt to reveal my white beater which had, thanks to his quick thinking, been saved from the slushie. He was giving me a look. That same look you give a sick puppy. That look of absolute pity. As he pulled a small travel size bottle of shampoo out of his bag, I almost laughed. "Do you just carry these things around with you?" I asked. He looked back at me with a bright grin.

"See, there's a laugh," he said, picking the slush out of my hair. "And yes, I _do_ carry this around with me. I've got uh, a towel, and some shampoo, and an extra uniform. All perfect for the rehabilitation of a slushie victim. Now let's wash that stuff out of your hair." He stood up, moving next to the sink. "Come here, Sam," he said to me. Just hearing my name come out of his mouth was a new experience in itself. I moved closer to the sink. "Now just lean your head in," he instructed. I looked up at him and gave him a sheepish smile, narrowing my eyes. Something about all of this felt suspiciously good. "Go ahead," he said, grinning back at me. I moved my head into the sink.

The warm water began to rush over my head and he ran his fingers through my hair. Remember that feeling I mentioned, about being the strainer? No music, not one song in my entire life, has ever given me that feeling like he did. It was like _Avatar_, except without the cool ponytails. The minute his hands touched my head, or my hand, or my shoulder, or whatever, we were like connected. It was nothing I had ever felt before.

"My name's Blaine by the way," he added as he washed the slushie out of my hair. I grunted dumbly. "You don't say much, do you?" he asked, laughing a bit.

"Not really," I responded. "At least not when I don't know somebody." It was true. I had the worst damn problem with that. So much for opening up to people. But like I said, if you had my life, you wouldn't blame me. People don't tend to be so friendly when they find out your brain is slow.

"That's okay. My mom always tells me that there are too many people in this world who talk a lot but don't really say anything," he said. "Sometimes the quietest people are the ones with the greatest thoughts." I was glad he couldn't see my face in the sink or I wouldn't have been able to hide my smile. "You know they make special shampoo for color treated hair," he added nonchalantly as he rubbed his own shampoo into my hair.

"I don't dye my hair," I said matter of factly.

"Yes you do," he replied unconvinced. Busted. I changed the subject.

"You said you used to be me?" I asked.

"Yeah," he replied gently. "At my old school, I was bullied a lot. When I found out some of the Warblers were throwing slushies, I tried to make them stop. But that didn't work, so I just try to help people out as much as I can. Ergo, my Mary Poppins bag," he explained with a laugh.

"Wait, the Warblers are the ones doing it?" I asked. I had never been to a school where the singers were ruling the place. "The glee club losers are throwing slushies?" I asked incredulously.

"Hey, watch it!" he said playfully, rinsing out my hair. "The Warblers are like rock stars here," he explained. "And I'm one of them, so be careful."

"Sorry," I replied simply. He put a towel under my hair and pulled my head upright.

"Don't be sorry," he said with another small laugh. "I'm just messing with you. Besides you have to just stand up to them. Don't let them tear you down," he explained as he dried my hair.

"That takes a lot of courage," I said. He looked at me deeply. The kind of look where you know that person is so in the moment and present with you and that nothing else is on their mind. A smile crept onto his face.

"Yeah, you're right. I guess it does." I didn't break eye contact with him. It was magnetic. Like a tractor beam pulling me in from…okay, seriously? Here I have this amazing, nice, beautiful guy staring at me and I'm thinking about the tractor beam on the Death Star. I had to focus. Even if _Star Wars _was pretty awesome. I brought my mind back to him. And he was still staring. How long had it been?

"What?" I said dumbly. Quietly, but dumbly.

"Nothing. It's just your eyes are," he seemed to snap himself out of his own head. "Oh God,"  
he said embarrassed. "Oh God, I'm so sorry," he continued, flustered. He tried to laugh it off and spun around toward the door. "I need to go. I'm so –"

"Stop," I said, grabbing his arm and pulling him back. "What, uh, what about my eyes?"

"I…they're just really…green." He cleared his throat before adding, "They're nice." I felt a smile sneak onto my face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying things like that."

"You think my eyes are nice?" I said, my voice in barely a whisper.

"Uh, yeah. Is that okay?"

"I…I don't know."


	3. The Rush

**Chapter 2 – The Rush**

_("The Rush" by Dashboard Confessional)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

After getting his extra uniform for me, Blaine left me in the bathroom to change. "Hey, Blaine!" I called out before he could leave. He spun around and faced me. "Thank you," I said earnestly. "And…uh, about the crying and stuff,"

"I won't tell anyone," he finished. I nodded. "You seem like a good guy, Sam. Just don't let the world get you down." He flashed me a sincere smile, before turning around and leaving the bathroom. I moved quickly out of my old uniform and shoved it into a plastic bag from Blaine's slushie survival kit. When I finished putting Blaine's uniform on, I stood in front of the mirror and inspected myself. I got a weird feeling wearing it, like a hermit crab in a new shell. It was still the same Dalton uniform, but it felt somewhat different. I tugged at the collar of the jacket and straightened my tie before I caught my own eye in the mirror. My eyes _were_ green. Really green. I stopped for a moment, thinking about the way he looked at me.

Right now. Today is the day. "I…I…I." It wasn't happening. Why was I always fighting this? I just want to say it. Out loud. "I. Am." Come on, Sam. Just say it. "I. Am." No. Not today. Maybe tomorrow.

Moving into the hallway, I heard the bell ring ending my free period. By the time school ended that day, I was in the weirdest limbo between happiness and sadness. Blaine had brought out something in me I had never felt before. Something unreal. At yet at the same time I knew something wasn't right. _I_ wasn't right. But he gave me such a…rush. I don't even know what to call it. As I walked back to the dorms, I had a bright feeling around me. It was something I hadn't felt in so long. When I got to my room, I closed the door and laid on my bed. Flipping my iTunes on my laptop, I switched on some Dashboard before falling back on my bed. I didn't want to take off Blaine's uniform. Not yet. It smelled too good. Like a mix of a bold cologne and air freshener. There was a knock at the door. I stopped. Another knock. I got up and opened the door slightly. Blaine.

"What are you doing here?" I said quickly as I opened the door the rest of the way. A jolt of electricity shot through my body when his eyes made contact with mine. He had the most sincere look I've ever seen. A look mixed with confidence and vulnerability. I was still distracted by his expression when he grabbed the collar of my jacket and pushed me into my room. When he had me inside, he didn't say a word. Instead, he shut the door and threw me against it, kissing me. Hard. There was a gnash of teeth and lips and tongue and my body seemed to light up with fire. It was everything I wanted it to be. Kissing a boy was so different from kissing a girl. It made me feel so alive.

He broke the kiss and pushed his forehead against mine, staring at our feet. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"Shut up," I replied. He looked at me, clearly afraid he had misjudged me or crossed a line. I stared right back at him. "Whatever you just did, do it again," I said. The biggest grin I ever saw took over his face. He moved closer to me, slowly this time. His lips barely seemed to graze mine before he pulled away again. He came back, kissing me gently. I grabbed the back of his head with my hand before pulling him closer, holding him against my lips intensely. I never wanted him to let go of me. He pulled back and looked at me grinning.

"I knew it was you, Sam," he said. "Sam," he repeated. "Sam!" he yelled. "Sam! If you want to sleep through my class, you can just leave," he told me. Something wasn't right.

My eyes opened.

"Did you hear me Mr. Evans?" my English teacher asked me. I pulled my head up. I was still in school. Fuck. "Now would you like to join us and learn or would you like to just leave now?" she asked, standing over my desk.

"Sorry," I said simply.

"Good. Now you can lead us in reading the first paragraph on page 132."

"Yes ma'am," I responded. "America's literary traditions cannot be tracked back track…" Stop. Breathe. Think. "…traced back to one praticular, particular…" Damn it, here we go again. I hated reading in class. My body began to shake and my face turned as red as a stop sign. It was a totally different rush than the one Blaine gave me. I could feel the entire class staring at me wondering how I ever got into Dalton in the first place. After barely making it through the reading, my teacher left me alone for the rest of the period.

Walking back to the dorms, I knew that the reality of being there would be very different from the dream I had earlier. The reality was that Blaine probably didn't even remember me at this point, he didn't know where I lived, and I doubted he really cared. But whether he did or didn't, he gave me a rush. And I had never felt more alive.


	4. Vulnerable

**Chapter 3 – Vulnerable**

_("Vulnerable" by Secondhand Serenade)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

October was a fast, but stressful month for me. After my first slushie, I only got one more. I guess two slushies in a month isn't terrible. Besides, I was prepared for the second one. I had my own emergency slushie kit ready to go. As for Blaine, I had barely seen him since our conversation in the bathroom, which is probably a good thing. I couldn't be distracted by him. Not with my grades. Not with my life. The point is, if I had any chance of succeeding at this place I can't be always thinking about this guy. October was my month to get my grades up and worry about me. Unfortunately, the first day of November came around and my grades still sucked. I still stared in front of my damn mirror every morning, and relations with my classmates were only getting worse.

Remember that need to cry I mentioned? It was back. Sure it was gone for a few days after I met Blaine, but not anymore. I felt the same as before. Constantly just holding it back, holding it in, all day, every day. After I cried in front of Blaine, I stopped myself from even crying when I was alone. I didn't need to have mistakes like that again. As if life wasn't bad enough, it would have figured that when I got my English test back with a glaring red F and a "SEE ME!" underlined twice, I should've expected the worst.

I watched as the rest of the class filed out at the end of the period and walked to my teacher's desk. "You said to see you," I said, holding the test up lazily.  
"Sam, I'm seriously concerned about your grades. You're turning in work that is barely passing, if not failing. You seem to be in another world when I'm teaching, and your reading skills aren't where they need to be," she explained. "If you don't turn this around, you know Dalton won't keep you through next semester."

"Yeah, I know," I said simply. "So what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to _succeed_," she answered. "I'm recommending you for a tutor. He'll be able to help you out with your homework, preparing for tests, and learning the skills you need to pass." As she spoke, she pulled out a yellow sheet of paper and began filling it out. Handing it to me, she continued. "This is your recommendation form. Take it to the C.A.X. and they'll assign you a tutor as early as this afternoon." I took the paper from her and held it up.

"Thanks," I said without emotion, before moving to leave the room.

"Sam," she stopped me. "If you don't see this tutor, I'm failing you." I nodded and she stared me down. She wasn't kidding. I made my way across the academic courtyard to Dalton Hall and found the C.A.X., Dalton's stupid acronym for the Center for Academic Excellence, and turned in my form. After getting instructions to return at the end of the day, I left without a word. Finally, free period.

Now the key to being the new kid at any school is to hide. Keep a low profile until you find the people who will ultimately be your friends. And I learned my number one rule to hiding from _Star Wars_. In Episode IV, when Han Solo makes everybody hide in the compartments under the floor, it's genius. He knew the Storm Troopers were going to find them, so he hid right where they wouldn't look…under their feet. So on my first free period at Dalton, I found my hiding place. Right under their feet. I slipped down the back hallway and down a staircase to the basement.

I spent almost all of my free periods in the basement. And I loved it down there, but today, even my basement sanctuary seemed dull. I didn't even bother turning on the light as I slunk over toward an old couch and dropped my bookbag on the floor. I threw my jacket on a worn wooden chair before sinking into the old couch and sinking into it. Sometimes the old, crappy couches are the ones that are the most comfortable. Taking a deep breath, I threw my arm over my eyes. This shit was a lot to deal with. My grades have always sucked. The fucking words on the page always messed themselves up. Nobody understood that. Instead, it's _my_ fucking fault that I'm not turning in good work. I felt the tears on the edge of my eyes, just waiting to break free. No. I wouldn't let them. My throat filled up with a lump. Don't do it. No crying. It was all bottled up, but I fought it with everything I had. I got up quickly and began to walk it off, feeling my frustration boiling under the surface. Now my tears, my frustration, my anger, my sadness, it was all on the brink of escaping. I ran to the wall and threw my fist into it before dropping to the floor. "Fuck!" I yelled out loud, releasing allof my anger. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" My knuckles were red and bleeding as I tried to shake the pain out of my hand. I must've sat there on the floor and leaned against the wall for a long time. Soon, I was just numb. I didn't feel anything except for the pain in my hand. I didn't think. I just sat there, my tears successfully kept at bay. That was way too close.

I kept my hand hidden the rest of the afternoon. By the time the closing bell rang, all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Instead, I forced myself back to the C.A.X., figuring I couldn't afford to fail out of Dalton.

"Hey!" I heard from behind me when I entered the C.A.X. I spun around and there he was. With that smile and those eyes and that hair and…and it was Blaine. When I looked at him, his smile was quickly replaced with a look of concern. "Whoa! Dude, you look like shit," he told me.

"Why would you say that?" I asked him, instantly angry at him.

"Are you high?" he whispered. "Let's go," he said, taking my hand. I didn't move. His hand felt so different this time. It didn't light me up or make me feel brighter at all. For some reason, all I wanted to do was crash into him. It was that feeling of total exhaustion, like right after you run a marathon and you just want to drop.

"I can't," I said, taking my hand away. "I have to get a tutor."

"You're looking at him," he replied quickly.

"You're my tutor?" I asked, confused as hell.

"Yes. Now let's _go_," he insisted, trying to get me away from the eyes of the staff members. He pulled me out into the hallway and into an empty classroom. "It's empty in here," he said. I followed him in as he led me to a chair and sat down next to me. "Alright dude, be honest with me. What's going on with you? Are you on drugs?" he asked.

"No," I said as I shook my head. "I'm just tired," I lied.

"Bullshit," he said. Why did I hate him so much right now? He didn't know me, he didn't know my situation, what I was going through.

"You know you have a lot of balls coming at me like that," I told him sternly. "You don't know me at all." Blaine eyed me up before sighing.

"You're right, I don't have any right trying to call you out. But look at you," he said. "You just look like…things are…rough." I snorted back at him.

"You think?" I got up and walked to the window overlooking the athletic fields. As I took off my blazer and rolled up my shirt sleeves, I began to think. I was just being a jerk at this point. And all he was trying to do was make me feel better. The day had just royally sucked. And instead of actually taking his help, I was pushing him away. Why was this typical of me? "I'm sorry," I apologized. "I don't mean to be an asshole. It's just I'm kind of…like…angry," I said. "I just…I feel…"

"Vulnerable," he finished. I whipped my head to look at him. He hit the nail on the head. God no, not the fucking tears again. Like a strainer, he saw right through me. I locked my jaw, trying to keep my tears back. I nodded and fell into a chair, putting my head in my hands. As my fingers slid through my hair, I knew they were coming. Hold them back. No tears. Not in front of this guy. Not again.

Too late.

The tears came out slowly at first, quietly. But then it was a free for all. He put his hand on my leg as I cried. I grabbed his hand and took it in mine, not daring to lift my head and look at him. Now I just stopped caring. He had seen me cry once, he can see it again. He squeezed my hand reassuringly and sat with me for a long moment. "It's okay," he said. I shook my head, still keeping it down.

"No it's not. I shouldn't be crying like this," I told him.

"Hey!" he said, taking my chin in his hand and lifting up my head. I met his eyes. "It's okay to cry," he told me. I just returned his look, tears still running down my face. "What did you do to your hand?" he asked, gently running his fingers over my swollen, bruised knuckles. "It looks bad."

"Nothing, I…I'm fine," I responded, wiping my eyes with my spare hand. He still ran his fingers over my knuckles, softly rubbing them. Now this was one of those moments where you can take a lesson from a movie like _Zombieland_. What's Rule #32 on Columbus' list? Enjoy the little things. And this was one of those little things I had to enjoy. I mean, sure my life was going downhill and I was a sobbing moron and I was about to get kicked out of school. But you know what, at that moment, for that one beautiful moment, he was running his fingers over my hand. And it felt so _good_. I tried to hold onto that moment and enjoy it.

"Come here," he said, breaking me out of my trance. "I want to show you something."

"What?" I asked him as he led me back to the window. He turned on the light and my reflection appeared in the window against the dark sky typical of late afternoons in November. "What is this all about?" I asked him. He made his way across the room and stood beside me, his arm grazing mine. I shifted nervously, my own vulnerability surfacing.

"What do you see, Sam?" he asked, staring into the window with me.

"Um…I see me?" I asked him, like I was being tested.

"But what about yourself?" he pushed. "Look deeper than your reflection." I stared at myself. My green eyes, puffy, red, and glazed with my tears were staring back at me, showing their helplessness. My blonde hair stuck out and I lifted a hand to tame it. My whole body was slouched over like I was being weighed down by some invisible force.

"I'm weak," I whispered, staring back at my emerald eyes.

"You know what I see?" I shook my head.

"A really strong person. There's only one problem," he said as he walked behind me. I watched him carefully in the window, feeling really vulnerable. I had never had a guy analyze me like this. "This person is trapped. He's pushing himself down. He's making himself a victim instead of facing his problems." I stared back at the window. "I see a scared little boy who wanted more for himself and now he's throwing it away," he continued. My stomach lurched at this and I choked on the lump in my throat.

"How do you know me?" I asked him, scrunching my face together. I turned to look at him. "How do you see me so well?"

"Okay, honestly? I've been following you," he confessed. "I know, it sounds creepy, but I kind of got the low down on you. I have to say, those free periods in the basement are clever." I smiled a bit. He _had_ noticed me. "Holy shit!" he yelled, "Is that a smile?" he asked incredulously. I felt it coming, I tried to fight it, but I couldn't. The wide grin crept onto my face quickly. "It is!" he noticed, playfully. "I got Sam Evans to _smile_. They should give me an award," he teased.

"Okay, stop," I told him, trying to conceal my smile.

"I like your smile," he said. "It's nice."

"Like my eyes?"

"Exactly," he replied, showing his own shy smile. "You have a lot of potential, Sam. You just need to be strong. Don't hold back so much." I nodded as my eyes traveled to the corner of the room. "Forget the tutoring today. You need some time for yourself. How about I meet you this weekend and we can study?" I nodded.

"Okay," I answered. "Sounds good."

"Perfect," he said. "Give me your phone."

"Huh?"

"Give me your phone." I grabbed my blazer and pulled it out of the inside pocket before handing it to him. "I'm just gonna put my number in here," he said as he typed away. "Call me tonight and we'll figure something out." He handed my phone back and got closer. "Come here," he said. Before I knew it, he was hugging me.

"I…" No words. I hugged him back. It felt good. Really good. I couldn't remember the last time I hugged someone and it actually felt right. Like I could actually care about them.

"Oel ngati kameie," he said as he hugged me.

"I…_what_?" I pulled away, my mouth dropped in shock.

"Oel ngati kameie. It's Na'vi. It means…"

"I see you," I finished. "I…how do you know that?" I asked him wide eyed.

"Are you kidding me? I've seen _Avatar _like six times." He walked backwards and stopped short of the door. "I told you I've been watching you," he replied before opening the door and winking as he pulled it shut. I stood in awe staring at the door.

"I see you."

Grinning, I turned back to the window. When I saw my reflection, I stopped. "I…" Taking a deep breath, I looked back at myself. That scared little boy that Blaine saw looked back at me. "Am…" I stopped. I had never felt more vulnerable. Say it, Sam. Just say it. Out loud. Now. "I. Am. Gay."


	5. Breathe

**Chapter 4 – Breathe**

_("Breathe" by Michelle Branch)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

Over the next week, Blaine and I met on a daily basis. At first I was kind of scared. When I saw my reflection in that window, and I said what I said out loud, it felt weird. I had to push the words out of my mouth, and when I finally did, it was like they filled the air around me. Once I shook that off, it wasn't so bad. But I only said it out loud because of Blaine. Because of what he said to me. Obviously I'd be nervous when I saw him. After our first tutoring session though, I got used to him. He was just another person, regardless of the effect he had on me. It wasn't until the next Thursday that I knew he really cared though. He met me in the auditorium like we did every day after school carrying his bookbag. "Hey," he said casually as he met me on the stage. Sitting down next to me, he was all smiles. "You're going to love what I have for you today," he said.

"What?" I asked, a sneaky grin on my face. He began digging through his bookbag as I watched him. He was so damn cute. Those hazel eyes, that smile that could just shoot right through me. And his ability to just _get it_. He knew exactly how I was feeling, like a sixth sense or something.

"Well," he said, interrupting my thoughts, "when you told me about your dyslexia, I had a hard time figuring out how to help. Until I had the perfect idea." He pulled a dark orange book out of his bag and held it out to me. Taking the book, I laughed out loud. _Green Eggs and Ham_.

"Really?" I asked. "Dr. Seuss? I'm dyslexic, not five years old."

"Oh, I'm sorry, because what you _were_ doing was really working for you, wasn't it?" he answered sarcastically. Damn, he was good.

"Alright," I conceded, "So what's the plan?"

"You just have to read it," he replied. I opened the book and sighed before reading, "I am Sam. Sam I am. That's Sam am Sam." I stopped. My jaw got tight and I didn't want to look up at him. Just breathe, Sam. Breathe. I stopped and took a breath and began to read again. "That Sam I Sam! That Sam I am! I do not like that Sam am Sam." My face grew red. I don't think people realize how embarrassing it is, not being able to read out loud without messing everything up or how hard it is to read things over and over again when you're doing homework. Just breathe, Sam. Breathe.

"See how this is going to help?" he asked me gently. I nodded my head and began flipping through the pages, pretending to scan through it. I didn't want to look at him. I was a high school sophomore and I was messing up Dr. freaking Seuss. "Try it again. Just take your time, and look at each word alone." I turned back to the first page and read aloud.

"I am Sam. Sam I am. That Sam I am. That Sam I am. I don't not like the Sam am… Sam I am!" I read in quick succession. Just breathe, Sam. Breathe.

"Not bad," he said. "Your assignment is to get through this part here," he said, turning the pages and pointing to the end of one of them. I folded the corner over and nodded, closing the book. "What kind of homework do you have?" he asked. As I pulled out my planner and flipped to the day's work, he stopped me. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I said casually, looking up at him.

"You seem kind of upset," he noticed. "If you're upset about the book, I'm only doing it to help. Getting back to the basics is going to be really good for you."

"It's not the book," I said. "It's just school in general. It's never been easy for me."

"That's why I'm here. Just keep working and it'll begin to make sense. I promise," he told me with a reassuring smile. I wished I could've been as sure as he was. I smiled back as best I could, but I had to admit, I was skeptical. This was something I had battled for the past ten years and it was something my parents just didn't discuss. They sent me to boarding school after boarding school, hoping that eventually things would get better. But they never really took the time to help me through it. I think they were embarrassed or something. They didn't want their only son to be mental or dumb or whatever. So they ignored it. Great for them, not so much for me. My teachers at all my old schools started catching on and once I was diagnosed, they told me I would just need to take more time for homework. But no one had ever really sat down and taken me through the ropes. Nobody ever showed me how to actively deal with it. No one cared enough. Until Blaine.

An hour later, I was still just as frustrated as before. Blaine could tell. He was being very careful not to push too hard. I guess I could understand it considering I was like an emotional rollercoaster without any brakes whenever I was with him, constantly hitting highs and lows. When he looked at me and threw me that smile, I felt so good, like nothing could touch me. It felt like a balloon was swelling up in my stomach just waiting to burst with excitement. And then something would happen or I would say something dumb or I'd feel embarrassed and that balloon went away and was replaced with a lump in my throat. He probably thought I was crazy.

"Sam!" he interjected. "Can I ask you something?" I shook myself out of my head.

"Yeah, what is it?" I asked him.

"It just seems like you get really upset when we work on schoolwork. And I get that the dyslexia is really rough. I can't imagine having to fight through that. But you're just very emotional about your schoolwork and your abilities," he explained cautiously. "Sometimes, though, I think school isn't the only thing that upsets you."

"What do you mean?" I asked defensively. He was on to me. He knew. My nerves were on overload. I could feel my face getting red and the lump in my throat coming back. It's like I could feel every single part of my body on high alert. Just breathe, Sam. Breathe.

"Well, if I ask you something, can you promise not to get mad?" My jaw clenched and my muscles tightened up. I didn't know if I was ready for this. It had only been a week since I could say it to myself. How was I supposed to admit it to him? Just breathe, Sam. Breathe. I nodded at him, trying follow my own instructions and breathe. "Well," he began. "Are you freaked out that I'm gay?"

"I…wait, what?" I blurted out, not expecting that question.

"Well, I mean, it's common knowledge at this school that I'm gay. That doesn't make you uncomfortable or anything?" he asked earnestly. I let out the big breath that I had been suppressing.

"N...n…no, not at all," I stuttered. "I…it's not even…it's not a big deal," I responded, my nerves feeling so relieved. I almost felt like laughing. He gave me a broad grin and the balloon in my stomach began inflating again.

"Great," he said simply. We sat there in an awkward silence for a few seconds before he spoke up. "So I noticed you don't really do much to advance your social life around here," he noted, swiftly changing the subject.

"Yeah," I admitted. "I like to be by myself."

"Well how about you come to dinner with me tomorrow? As a reward for working so hard this week?" He licked his lips as he asked. I could tell he was acting as casual as possible. But if his body was like mine, we both would have been two happy ducks. Someone told me a long time ago about how ducks are a mysterious animal. Above the water, they glide smoothly over the surface, looking calm and serene. But below the surface, their feet are kicking so incredibly fast that it almost negates their swift façade. That was me. I was constantly going a mile a minute under my surface, but you'd never know it from looking at me.

"I…I think that would be good," I replied, nodding my head. "We did do a lot of work this week," I said, trying my best to contain my own excitement. Just breathe, Sam. Breathe.

"Perfect. I'll meet you in the quad around six o'clock?" he suggested. "Then we can just take my car." As he began packing up his things, I could tell he looked substantially lighter.

"That sounds great," I replied.

"One rule," he said, reaching over and pulling at the collar of my blazer. "You aren't allowed to wear this," he instructed.

"I like that rule," I replied.

"Perfect. So I'll see you tomorrow?" he asked as he stood up and threw his bookbag over his shoulder.

"Definitely."

"Have a good night Sam," he said, catching my eyes and smiling genuinely. As he left the auditorium, I couldn't stop smiling, no matter how hard I tried. When I heard the door shut, I let out a big whoop across the empty auditorium. Stop. Don't go crazy. Just breathe, Sam. Breathe.


	6. Courage Is

**Chapter 5 – Courage Is**

_("Courage Is" by Michelle Branch)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

School uniforms are the best thing ever brought into the world. Even better than sliced bread. And so many people complain about having to wear uniforms to school. But until you have experienced the pressure of finding an outfit to wear out with someone you like, you will never understand the beauty of a school uniform. If I had to go through picking out something to wear every morning, I think my head would explode. Before dinner with Blaine, I went through seven different outfits. I mean, what the hell was I, a chick? At a quarter to six, I finally had to commit to an outfit. I threw on some dark khaki corduroy pants with a dark green Henley. As I walked to the quad, I quickly remembered it wasn't August. Fall had kicked in and the cold November air was kicking my ass. When I got to the benches set on the stone slab in the middle of the quad, I turned and saw Blaine walking toward me.

"Well look at you," he said, giving me a hug. A hug! His arms were touching me. And you know exactly what happened. A smile that I couldn't control came across my face again. And I'm not trying to brag, but when I smile, you don't miss it. That is, considering my mouth takes up half of my face. "It amazes me how good people look when they aren't wearing their uniforms." I laughed out loud.

"Yeah," I replied. "You're not looking too shabby yourself." He smiled back as I stuffed my hands in my pockets. He did look amazing. He was wearing nice dark blue jeans with a navy blue, long sleeved polo. Around his neck was a chain that descended under his shirt.

"Well my car is up in the resident lot," he offered and began walking down the sidewalk. "I'm glad you could make it," he said throwing a hand on my shoulder. It was like his hands were full of electricity shooting through my body. His touch gave me that rush. The same exciting rush from my dream. Only this time, I wasn't dreaming. When we got to his car, I sat next to him in the passenger seat and had the strongest urge to put my hand on his when he reached the gear shift. I had seen it in _Cruel Intentions _when Reese Witherspoon was making Ryan Phillippe laugh in the convertible and I had always wanted to try it. But it was definitely not the time for that.

"So where are we going?" I asked him, watching him drive. He looked so sweet, his eyes occasionally flashing my way. As he watched the road, his expressions were so free and uninhibited. I think the distraction of driving makes a person somehow more genuine. They aren't worried so much about how they come across as they are about not crashing.

"Well there's this restaurant called Luna. It's an Italian joint. Is that okay?" he asked.

"It sounds like an offer I can't refuse," I replied in my best Marlon Brando impression. Blaine turned and raised his eyebrows at me as he drove. "An offer you can't refuse…" I repeated in my impression. He looked back and shook his head, not knowing what I was talking about. "Come on, Marlon Brando, _The Godfather_. No?" He began laughing out loud and that was just contagious. Soon we had both lost it. "Get it?" I asked through my hysterics. "Because he's Italian…" He couldn't stop laughing. I had never seen him like that. It made me happy. Like genuinely happy. I knew this feeling wasn't something you had every day.

"So I take it you really like movies?" he asked when the laughter died down. I nodded.

"Yeah. I just end up spending a lot of time by myself. And I moved around a lot as a kid, but I always had my movies and my music. They never changed. So I watch movies a lot," I explained. "I guess it just makes me feel better knowing that no matter what happens, the plots, the characters, everything will always be the same."

"You know, for someone who doesn't say much, you seem pretty self aware," he remarked. "I don't know, Sam, sometimes I think there's a lot more going on in there than you let on," he said glancing up at my head.

"Well there's only one way to find out," I replied with a smirk. He glanced back and smiled.

"So what's your favorite?" he asked.

"Movie?"

"Yeah," he answered. "You have a favorite, right?"

"Oh come on," I told him. "Don't ask me to do that. I don't even think I could give you a top five." I sighed before explaining myself. "Look, movies are appealing for different reasons. And each movie is appealing in a different way. I can tell you the qualities that a lot of good movies have. And I can tell you the qualities of bad movies. But it's hard to compare movies altogether." He nodded.

"But you like _Avatar_?" he asked playfully.

"Yes," I said with a devious grin. I knew he was playing with me. "I do." Blaine pulled into the restaurant parking lot and when we got inside, I was in shock. The restaurant looked like it was five star. Immediately in front of us was a large staircase with golden handrails and a big dark blue carpet. An enormous chandelier hung over our heads and on the ceiling, the night sky was painted, complete with stars, constellations, and the works. "Blaine!" I exclaimed under my breath. "I didn't realize this place was so fancy," I remarked.

"Don't worry about it," he said nonchalantly. "It's worth it." I gulped hesitantly. I had only ever eaten somewhere this nice one time in my life and that was at my grandpa's funeral. My mom had decided that instead of holding our own reception, we would go to his favorite restaurant and eat as a family. Blaine put his hand behind my shoulder and we followed the hostess as she led us up the grand staircase into the balcony seating. I looked up and in the middle of the ceiling was a large half globe lit up white like the moon. Below us, countless tables sat scattered around and waiters rushing across the floor, taking orders and delivering food.

"Here you are," the hostess said as she motioned to a booth overlooking the lower level. I sat down and thanked her as Blaine took his seat across from me.

"Are you sure about this place?" I asked, looking across the table. His hazel eyes caught mine and seemed to glow.

"Don't worry about it, Sam. Besides, I'm paying."

"No!" I objected. "You don't have to do that."

"I know," he said. "But I want to. You worked hard this week and this is your reward." I looked hesitant. I didn't want him to feel like he had to pay. In all honesty, I thought we were just going to run out for some pizza or something.

"You're sure?" I asked again, for good measure.

"Positive," he replied confidently. After we ordered our food, (I ordered the fettuccini alfredo, he got the chicken tortellini) we sat across from each other and picked at our breadsticks. "So," he said after taking a sip of his Coke. "Tell me about your family."

"Not really much to tell," I answered back, dipping my breadstick in some garlic sauce. "My mom and my dad live about an hour away from here. I've been shipped around to different boarding schools since I was nine. My parents work a lot and they travel, so they aren't really around. I think they figured I'd be better surrounded by people instead of at home by myself."

"Because _that _worked out well." Blaine remarked with a laugh. I shrugged my shoulders with a grin.

"Yeah," I said reservedly. "But really, that's about it. No siblings. My extended family all live in Tennessee, so I never see them. Just me and my absentee parents," I concluded, shrugging my shoulders.

"It's that simple, huh?" he asked. I nodded.

"What about you?" I said. "You alone too?" He took a deep breath and tilted his head.

"Not quite. My mom and dad live in Pittsburgh, but they're hoping to move into Ohio to be closer to me. But right now, with my mom working at Carnegie Mellon, it's not really a possibility."

"No siblings?" I asked. He gulped and took a sip of his drink. He sighed before chewing on his lower lip. He looked at me, almost sizing me up.

"I had a brother," he said finally. "But he, uh, he died. When I was ten." My mouth dropped open and my stomach fell. That was the last thing I expected to hear.

"I…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"No, no, it's okay." He looked down and ripped apart his breadstick. "I just don't talk about it much. It's been six years, but that doesn't make it any easier, you know?" I nodded.

"I really didn't mean to…"

"It's okay."

"Sorry," I said again. The silence was tangible as it surrounded our booth for a few seconds. "Um, so your parents work at colleges?" I asked trying to quickly change the subject.

"Well, my mom does. She teaches in their English department. My dad's a psychologist, though. I guess those jobs are pretty cool."

"So _that's _why you're so good at analyzing people," I suggested, taking a sip of my water. "It's in your blood."

"I guess you could say that," he remarked. "I just don't fall for people's bullshit," he said simply. "Lots of people like to hide who they are or they only show you what they want you to see. But how many times are people honest with you?" I gulped, soaking in what he was saying. Maybe he did know. Stop. I can't be thinking this all night. Just go with the flow.

"I think it just takes a lot of courage not to hide. People don't like what's different. So I guess people think 'why bother' when it's just as easy to hide?"

"Just as easy?" he asked, clearly surprised. "Hiding is the most difficult thing. Trust me, I know. When you're just being yourself, no matter what, you don't have to lie, you don't have to cover your tracks, you don't have to worry about what people think. You're just who you are, no matter what," he explained. "And being yourself really shows that you're in control of your life. Did you ever see Britney's _Behind the Music_?" he asked. I shook my head. "Well Madonna said in it something along the lines of 'there's a point where you decide to take control of your life. And instead of letting things happen to you, you have to start making things happen for you.' So I guess Madonna has it right. But I really like what you said about courage. I've never heard that before. Courage," he repeated.

"I'm glad you like it. Courage is a hard thing to have, but I think if I had some more I'd be happier. Courage isn't about doing heroic things. It's about going on when you feel like you can't anymore. Courage is just trucking through your problems and making the best out of your situation."

"Well said," he remarked, raising his glass. I gave him a hesitant smile.

"I just wish I could live it instead of just preach about it," I replied.

"That's the beauty," he said leaning closer to me. "You can."

"Well said," I repeated, raising my glass. Soon after, our waiter brought us our food. I looked at the large plate full of pasta with wide eyes as he set it down. This wasn't your run of the mill pasta. The food was presented in a stylish way. The kind of way that almost makes you feel awkward. Like you shouldn't actually eat it. As we dug in, the conversation got lighter. Blaine told me about the Warblers and how he sings. He talked a lot about musicals, but once he realized I wasn't following at all, he changed the subject. We found out we were both Buckeye fans and that both of us like the same kinds of music. I was surprised at how comfortable Blaine made me feel. He never judged what I said and seemed to just take me as I was. I didn't know what it was about him. I guess some people just have a hidden quality about them. Things were going really well for me too, considering how awkward I normally was. I guess for some people, awkward is a stage of life. For me, awkward is a way of life. But for one night, it seemed to be taking a vacation.

After Blaine paid for the dinner, I insisted on leaving the tip. We left the restaurant and as we pulled out of the parking lot, Blaine glanced my way and smirked. "What?" I asked him, a grin sneaking on my face.

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head. As he drove back to campus, I was feeling good. Feeling courageous. I pushed my hair out of my eyes and turned to him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Go for it."

"How did you come out of the closet? I mean, what did you do? And how come nobody makes fun of you for being gay? Were your parents cool with it?"

"Whoa there!" he interrupted. "Okay, wow, that was a lot of questions." Lucky for me the car was dark because my face instantly turned red as I blushed. I didn't exactly play that cool. "Let me just tell you my story." I nodded, leaning back in my seat.

"I always knew I was gay, but it wasn't really in my head until I was like 12. But I couldn't be out. I thought my parents would hate me or that I wouldn't have any friends. So I hid it from everybody. But when I was like 14 years old, I knew I couldn't keep lying to everyone. So one day, I let it slip to someone that I liked guys. And then I just let the rumors fly. It made coming out pretty easy."

"What about your parents?" I asked.

"Well, it took them some time. I only told them a year ago, so it took me a while. And at first, they didn't really know what to think. But they came around eventually. And now they're really supportive. I…" He stopped and gulped. I looked at him, seeing a glint in his eye. "I'm just really blessed to have parents like mine. Who chose to love me no matter what." Chills ran up my spine as I watched him describe his feelings about his parents. "They're really great," he finished.

"That's really cool," I replied. "The people at school seem to be taking it well."

"Yeah, but I don't think they would if I wasn't already popular," he replied, unconvinced of my idea. I raised my eyebrows.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean that I was popular before I came out. And even though it's not right, I think that if I wasn't popular, I would've had a much harder time. I just got lucky. It just sucks that people don't feel like they can be who they want to be. But then again, this school has a much harder time with bullying the kids who don't get straight A's."

"Oh is that right?" I asked amused. "Because I don't know _anything _about that." He laughed out loud.

"Well I mean, that bullying is why we met. I would have never gotten that slushie out of your hair or been your tutor without it."

"True," I said offhandedly. We pulled into the parking lot and as I got out of the car and we began walking back to the dormitories, I didn't want to leave him. We finally stood in the quad at the end of the night.

"Well I hope you had a good time," he said, standing in front of me.

"I did."

"The restaurant wasn't too much?" he asked. I shook my head, shrugging.

"It was really nice," I added, nodding my head. He nodded his head slowly and we both stared at each other in silence. The empty quad seemed to engulf us and the air around us stood still with anticipation.

"Well, I…Goodnight?"

"Was that a question?" I asked laughing.

"I don't know," he replied, laughing with me. As he laughed, my emotions caught up with me. Watching his face, the way his eyes seemed to smile, his whole presence, it almost made me want to fall into his arms. It was magnetic. I stopped laughing and looked at him. I felt so many things at once as my green eyes examined him. I felt a rush, I felt vulnerable, I felt courageous. Just breathe, Sam. Breathe. "Well good…" He didn't even get to finish before I pushed my lips against his. It was my first kiss with a boy, the first time a kiss felt real, and it was the most perfect experience of my life. Up until he spoke to me.

"Your eyes look _amazing_ with that shirt." The smile consumed my face and I went back to kiss him even harder.


	7. Still

**Chapter 6 – Still**

_("Still" by Ben Folds)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

I had no clue what I had gotten myself into. All I knew was that I liked it. A lot. After kissing Blaine, I almost wrestled him to the ground, making him promise not to tell anyone. I knew I didn't have to worry about that. Blaine knew what I was going through and he knew how important it was to keep it a secret. The next week seemed to go by like a slow motion movie. My senses took in everything. The way the air smelled as it got colder outside, how my sheets felt as I slipped in between them at night. Even food seemed to taste better. And Blaine. Blaine seemed to consume me. The way his face looked, the way his hand fit into mine, how he knew what I was going to say before I could get it out. My life had never felt so real, so alive.

For as alive as I felt, something wasn't right. It was like a tugging feeling in the back of my head. It came from a place I knew I didn't want to go to. The heaviness I had hanging over me disappeared and I knew that if I let it come back, I wouldn't come out alive. I wouldn't go back. Not here, not now, not when things were going so well.

Tutoring had proven to be harder than expected. I guess once you start kissing your tutor, things get a little complicated. But we tried our best to stay focused. _Green Eggs and Ham_ was coming along alright. It was frustrating when I had to read aloud to him, but I didn't have much of a choice. I hated stuttering and sounding like a moron, but on the flip side, he was so understanding, so patient, and he never got irritated with me.

The next Friday night, we decided to skip tutoring and hang out instead. As I walked toward the center of the quad, I saw him walking toward me from his dorm. "Hey you," he said to me as we closed the space between us. I got close to him and stopped. As he continued to move closer, I stopped him, putting my hand on his chest.

"Not out here," I whispered gently. He stepped back and recovered from my blow. I knew I shouldn't have treated him that way, but what was I supposed to do? The first kiss on the quad was risky enough. I couldn't risk another show.

"Sorry," he said. I shrugged. "Let's just go," he said. My face turned red as I followed him. I didn't want to be a jerk, but I just…I couldn't do it. I ran to catch up to him as he walked toward the opposite side of the quad.

"So where are we going?" I asked as I walked side by side with him. He sighed heavily and turned to give me a small smile. I smiled back. Truce.

"The observatory," he said simply. "I want to show you something." Once we walked out of the quad and behind the maintenance building, I took the opportunity to grab his hand. He squeezed it with a firm grip before relaxing it. His way of saying "it's okay." I squeezed back. A grin crept onto my face as we walked. "Here we are," he announced as we walked up the small hill toward the observatory building. It looked like a giant half of a basketball with glass on the top half and solid grey concrete on the bottom half. He let go of my hand as he pushed the giant door open to let us in.

"Wow," I said as we entered. My voice echoed around the dark observatory. Inside, it was a wide open space with a balcony under the giant glass ceiling. I laughed, hearing my voice reverb off the walls. "This is cool."

"I always thought so," Blaine replied. "When you're here and you look up and you see all of that," he continued, pointing upward, "your problems don't seem so big, ya know?" I looked up and saw the sky like never before. The planetarium's tinted glasses accented the night sky, making every star shine brighter.

"Some problems still seem kind of big," I admitted, keeping my eyes pointed upward. Before I knew it, Blaine was standing behind me, pulling me closer to him. I leaned back and felt him put both his hands in mine and pull my back against his torso. He led our hands around me and leaned his head on my shoulder.

"They don't have to," he whispered in my ear before kissing my cheek. I gulped as I kept my eyes facing the night sky. He began to sway gently, holding me close. I had never felt so safe in my life. Like the little boy who Blaine saw in the reflection was finally safe. Nothing could touch that little boy. Not even me. "They don't have to be so big," he repeated in a gentle whisper. I moved slowly as I turned to face him. Looking at his hazel eyes in the moonlight, I wanted to stay right here with him, make time stand still, and go to the stars with him. I gazed back and put my hands in his.

"Maybe up there, they don't," I answered in a raspy voice, before clearing my throat. "But we're not up there. And in _this _world, they do." Blaine didn't take his eyes off of mine as I spoke. He pulled me close to him and hugged me, throwing his arms around me. There it was again, safety for that little boy.

"This world is whatever you make it," he told me defiantly. As he pulled out of the hug, he gave my hand another squeeze before pulling me across the floor. "Come here," he instructed me. I followed him up under the balcony level where posters of planets were plastered on the walls and a giant solar system mobile hung over our heads. "You see that one?" he asked me, pointing to a small red planet.

"Yeah," I answered.

"That's Mars. Men are from Mars. Women, over there, they're from Venus." He turned to look at me with a goofy smile on his face. "We'll stay on Mars though, make it the planet of love." I laughed out loud as I tapped the small red planet with my finger.

"Count me in," I replied, grinning. "So is Mars anything like San Francisco?" I asked, almost giggling. "You know, boys in tight pants walking down the street waving their pride flags?"

"Oh, you know a lot about San Francisco, do you?" he asked, playfully challenging me.

"I have it on very good authority that San Francisco is a gay mecca," I replied sarcastically.

"Oh really? Good authority, huh?"

"Well, Wikipedia." He burst out in laughter. "But still," I continued through my own laughter. "if it's on Wikipedia, it's gotta be true, right?" I argued. We both laughed, looking at each other. As it died down, Blaine reached up and brushed my bangs out of the way of my eyes, before looking at me with a smile.

"You're a funny boy," he said simply. I gave him a shy smile as he leaned closer. He got even closer, his face only inches from my own. The air was still around us until it happened. Before I knew it, we were kissing again. His lips felt so good against mine. Kissing him was like…like…it's something I couldn't even begin to describe. I've never been good with words, so cut me a break. Simply put, it felt good. Really good. Like, so good, I won't even ruin it by trying to compare it with something. It's something I'll never forget. I pushed harder against his lips, our mouths pressed together intensely. Why would time not stand still? Just let me be right here, right now, in this moment forever…

I pulled away from his lips and rested my forehead on his. With my eyes closed, I licked my lips. "Let's go upstairs," I suggested. He nodded and I took his hand, leading him up the spiral staircase to the balcony level. The starry sky capped off the space around us as I took a seat on an old waiting room couch sitting against the wall. He sat down next to me and we readjusted until he was laying down with me relaxed and laying on his chest. We took a few breaths and the night seemed so peaceful. So calm. So still.

"You're more special than you know," he told me, giving me another kiss. "I just wish you knew that as much as I did."

"Can we stay here tonight?" I asked. "I don't want to go back there." He nodded.

"Okay." I smiled gently and rested my head again his chest. I could feel it rise and fall with his breath as we laid together. It felt so comfortable, like someone rocking me to sleep. His heartbeat thumped away like a lullaby. I felt my eyelids get heavy and took my breath, trying to make time stand still. I wanted to hold onto tonight with everything I had. But eventually, even Blaine got tired.

"Goodnight," he said to me before giving me a kiss on the forehead. I closed my eyes and drifted off into one of the most comfortable sleeps I can remember.


	8. Hot and Cold

**Chapter 7 – Hot and Cold**

_("Hot N Cold" by Katy Perry)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

Have you ever fallen asleep thinking about something and it felt so profound, like it was the best idea in the world? And then when you wake up the next morning, you think back and you're like "why the hell would that _ever_ be a good idea"? Well that's exactly what happened when I woke up laying on Blaine. Something about the night makes you lose your inhibitions. And the morning seems to bring clarity. As I woke up, the observatory was lit with the morning sun. I felt so uncomfortable as I rested against Blaine's rising and falling chest. This was so unlike me. Something wasn't sitting right.

Suddenly, my cell phone rang out loud causing me to jump and wake up Blaine. I scrambled around my jeans trying to find the phone in my pockets. He grunted as I accidentally pushed against his leg to stand up. There was that awkward again, making a comeback. I glanced down and eyed the screen. _Dad Cell_. "Hello," I answered, almost yelling into the phone.

_"We're coming up to get you on Tuesday. Are you ready?" _he asked me.

"Yeah, Dad, I'm ready." I saw Blaine's face as he gave a big sigh and dropped his head back on the couch. "You're going to be here around 10, yeah?" I asked.

_"Yes, I already told you that."_

"What time is it?" Blaine asked offhandedly. I put a finger over my lips and began shaking my head, shooting daggers with my eyes. The last thing I needed was for my dad to hear some guy's voice who I just shared a bed with. Oh God, listening to myself was the worst. I just slept in the same bed as a dude. Well, not a bed. A couch. But still. And now my dad was on the phone. I instantly felt so ashamed, I had to turn away from Blaine.

_"Who was that?" _my dad asked me. _"Where are you?" _he asked.

"Getting ready for class," I lied quickly.

_"It's Saturday."_

"I meant getting ready to study. Like for my class." And now I'm lying. I hated lying. But then again, I had done it all my life, so who am I to complain about it?

_"Oh. Well be ready on Tuesday. I don't have time to mess around."_

"Yes sir," I answered out of instinct. When I was a younger kid, I wasn't allowed to answer my parents outside of 'yes ma'am' or 'yes sir' when they asked me to do something. After so many years, the habit stuck. In some ways, it was good. I talked to a lot of adults this way, but it had begun to wear off on anyone but my parents. I hung up the phone and turned around. Blaine didn't look happy.

"Hi," I said simply. He raised his eyebrows.

"Hey."

"Sorry, that was my…"

"Yeah, it's cool," he replied quickly. He looked so cute when he had just woken up. He was still wearing the jeans and green hoodie from the night before and his hair was tussled around. Those eyes were still so…stop. Stop. Stop. I launched into this way too fast. I needed to slow down. He watched me in silence and the awkwardness hung around us as we looked at each other. I licked my lips and turned to look over the balcony. "You leaving for Thanksgiving?" he asked me.

"Yeah. You?"

"No. I have to stick around here. The rest of my family is going to my aunt's house. I'm not exactly welcome there, so I don't want to go anyway."

"Oh," I replied simply, looking at the floor, kicking the ground.

"Yeah," he muttered.

"So, listen," I said, trying to sound nice. "I'm gonna go now."

"Do you have somewhere you need to be?" he asked.

"Uh, well," I began stalling. I threw a hand across my blonde bangs and threw them out of my eyes. "No, not really. I just, I think I should go." I threw my thumb back motioning toward the door. And then I saw it change. I saw him angrier than ever before. But the thing about Blaine was that he was so good at suppressing it. If I hadn't spent the past fifteen years hiding my own feelings, I might not have seen him simmering below the surface.

"Okay…" he said in a way that was more a question than a statement. In a split second, I could see he was done. I nodded and turned around, almost tripping over my own feet. Without even thinking, I ran down the spiral staircase and out the door, heading down the hill toward the maintenance buildings. As I walked, I realized that I didn't even remember walking out of the observatory. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as I could.

"Wait!" he yelled behind me. I turned around where I stood to see him running down the hill toward me. When he got to me, he stopped inches away from me. "What's your problem with me?" he asked. "What the hell did I do?"

Yup. He was pissed.

"Nothing," I replied. My face reddened and I could feel my hands starting to sweat.

"Then why won't you ever just be real with me? You're so hot and cold with me. I can't keep up with your mood swings and I can never tell what you really think of me." I looked over my shoulder. Just past the maintenance buildings was the quad where kids were walking to and from each other's dorms.

"Please," I begged. "Keep your voice down."

"Right there!" he said, pointing me in the face. "I get that you aren't out, but come on. It's like being seen with me will somehow destroy your reputation or something."

"I can't take any chances," I hissed at him, trying to keep my voice down.

"Oh bullshit, Sam. Let's be real right now. You don't even have a reputation to keep up." My eyes widened and my whole body went into some kind of weird shock. He just called me out. Big time. He noticed it as soon as I did and took a step back, throwing his eyes to the left. "That isn't what I meant," he said resignedly before looking back at me. "Look, I didn't mean that, I just…"

"Maybe we should just not see each other for a while," I told him. "Thanksgiving is coming up and it'll give me some time to think." Blaine turned around and took a step, throwing his hand in his hair. He turned back to face me, bringing his hand down to his side before nodding.

"You need that. You need time to think." He began to shake his head slowly. "And I can't get involved with this."

"With what?"

"With someone like you. Someone who doesn't know what they want." He walked past me and continued down the hill, finally disappearing behind the maintenance building. I kicked the ground and stared up at the sky. Without warning my cell phone went off again. I looked down and answered it abruptly.

"Mom, what is it?"


	9. Something To Believe In

**Chapter 8 – Something To Believe In**

_("Something To Believe In" by Parachute)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

The pressure from my parents was unbearable when I went home for Thanksgiving break. They were breathing down my neck and really upset that I was failing enough to need a tutor. Some people just have this ability to make people feel worse about themselves. That was my mom. She didn't try it, but she did it. She would just say things without thinking and come across really rude. My dad, on the other hand, had an obsession with being a man's man. Growing up, he used to take me hunting, and I hated it. We would go early in the morning into the middle of the woods and he would sit out and whisper tactics to me, or tell me what kinds of traps were best. But I didn't care. In fact, I hated every minute of it. But I knew that if I didn't act like I was having fun, he would be disappointed with me. And when you're seven years old, that's the worst feeling.

Over the first few days at home, I found that I didn't fit in around my family. I spent a lot of time in my room reading. Over and over. When I found myself sitting at Thanksgiving dinner with my parents, my mom's parents, and my Uncle Jon, I knew I didn't fit in right. It was different than the feeling of discomfort with Blaine. This was a feeling of total disconnection. "Sam!" my mom exclaimed from across the table. I looked up from my plate. It was like a scene from a Norman Rockwell painting. The table was set in selected fall themes, a traditional Thanksgiving meal placed on it. The turkey served as a giant centerpiece and as I looked at everyone, they were all dressed for a feast. But in my heart, this picture perfect moment was all a joke. A façade. A lie.

"I'm sorry?" I asked.

"Answer your uncle," my mom told me bitingly.

"I…I'm sorry, I missed the uh, the question."

"Pay attention, Sam," my dad said. "And don't stutter. It makes you sound weak." My jaw tightened. In the past few months I realized how much I do that when I'm uncomfortable.

"Yes sir."

"What I asked," Uncle Jon told me, "was what you do for extracurricular activities at Dalton." He moved to put a spoonful of mashed potatoes in his mouth before looking at me.

"Well," I said, hesitating. "I don't really do many extracurriculars. I spend a lot of time working on my schoolwork. It can be time consuming."

"Which is why Dalton is an excellent academy. They demand academic excellence," my grandfather chimed in.

"But surely the other kids finish their schoolwork and manage to make time for some sports or activities," my grandmother said. "Why can't you do both?"

"I…"

"He just needs to apply himself better," my mother interrupted.

"Well don't waste your time," my grandmother told me. "You only have two and a half more years and then off to college." I cringed just thinking about the next two years. "You can't be wasting your time being lazy. That won't amount to anything."

"Really, I do spend a lot of time on schoolwork," I said, trying to defend myself. "It's not laziness at all."

"Sam, just stop," my dad said harshly. "We want results, not excuses."

"Yes sir," I responded before looking down at my plate and eating. It was hard to eat with the lump in my throat, but I held myself together. I didn't even need to hold back tears. By the time I got home from Dalton, I had conditioned myself to not feel anything when I was around my parents. The conversation switched to my dad's work and I was relieved. The best thing to do with these people was to pretend I didn't exist. Then hopefully they would forget I was there.

As I tuned out their conversation, I realized how angry I felt around my parents. The heavy feeling I didn't want to touch only got worse around them. Every time I spoke to them, I felt worse about myself. They made me feel worthless. They made me feel like I would never be good enough. And in that moment, the only thing I wanted was someone to accept me for me. Someone who would help me be the best possible person I could be. Someone who would stick by me through my hard time and my good times. Someone who could believe in me. My heart leapt.

"May I be excused?" I asked. My mother nodded and I left the table and walked gingerly up the steps. After making a phone call, I began to pack up my things. I only brought a duffle bag of clothes and my bookbag home with me, so it didn't take long. As I sat in my room waiting, I picked up a book and began reading over and over as best I could. A half an hour later, my phone rang and I bolted down the stairs. I walked into the living room where the five adults were standing.

"I'm leaving," I told them. "Something came up at school. I'll be in touch." The last thing I saw was my mom's eyes widening in disbelief before running out the door. As I sprinted down the walkway and into the taxi cab I called, I didn't turn to look back. My cell phone immediately went off and I clicked it off. I was half in shock, half in ecstasy. Mostly, I was scared for the consequences, but I knew that this was right. And giving my parents the big "fuck you" I had wanted to give for a long time felt so liberating. I was taking a big chance here. Who knew what my parents were going to do when I finally called them. Suddenly, the fear in me came back. I turned my phone on and dialed my mom.

_"Sam, what the hell is going on?" _she asked angrily.

"Nothing, Mom. I'm just going back to school. I have a lot of things to do and I need you to trust that I'm trying to pull myself together. Now I love you, but I'm going back tonight." She was pissed. Really pissed. But in the end, I held my ground and by the time the taxi got to the bus station, I was off the phone and it was settled.

After buying my ticket, I sat at the bus station waiting for the 9:30pm to Westerville. I pulled out my book and continued reading. I tried my hardest to keep going and not feel upset by fucking up the words. I read over and over until the bus got there. When it did, I loaded my things under it and found my seat.

The hour long bus ride went by quickly. I really had to focus, but as the bus drove on, I remained determined. It was all a mind game. Focus, set a goal, and go for it. Okay, so some of what my dad taught me made sense. I guess I was just more upset with _how _he taught it, rather than him actually teaching it. I got to the stop outside of my campus and the next half hour was a blur. I practically ran the half mile back to my dorm and dropped my bags off. After sprinting across campus, the adrenaline and excitement manifesting itself in my body, I threw myself into the auditorium doors and lit up the dark space. It was the one place I began to feel comfortable. Then I sent it, the text that this whole plan depended on.

_Take a chance on me. Meet me in the auditorium. I'll be here for the next hour._

Waiting was the worst part of my evening. I had one hour, sixty minutes, to see if he would show. The waiting game is the worst. Worse than reading out loud or trying to figure yourself out. Worse than attempting to pass an English class or listening to your parents complain about you. Waiting means not knowing what's going to happen. Or how things are going to pan out. Or even if they will. Waiting sucks.

The door swung open and there he was. He was wearing khaki corduroy pants and a white Henley shirt, the same chain around his neck that hid under his shirt. His hair was a fun kind of tussled. Not like it usually is, all nice and neat for Dalton's dress code, but relaxed. His eyes shined brighter than ever. He seemed somewhere between angry, curious, and excited. He was perfect.

"Wait there," I said as he walked briskly down the aisle. I stood up on the stage and picked up the book I was reading. "I am Sam," I began, trying my best to do it flawlessly. The stakes were too high to mess up. "Sam I am. That Sam I am! That Sam I am! I do not like that Sam I am!" I beamed as the words flowed from my mouth without problems. I couldn't help it. I didn't look at him for a long time. But half way through the book, I had to take a peek. "I do not like them in a house. I do not like them with a mouse," I continued. I caught his eye and he was smiling. _Smiling_. This was a good sign. The balloon in my stomach expanded as I kept reading. "I would not eat green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam I am." I shut the book and looked at him.

"That was –"

"Wait," I interrupted him. "Look, I know you have no reason to be here, and I know that I was a total asshole to you. And I'm really sorry for that. But, when I was sitting there tonight, eating dinner with my family, and I was supposed to enjoy time with them, I wasn't thankful at all. I wasn't thankful for what I've been through with them. And the truth is that I'm thankful for something else. I'm thankful for you." I began sweating, but was glad I wasn't sounding like a total moron yet. "And I know I have no right to ask this of you, but I want you to take a chance and believe in me. I promise I won't be hot and cold with you. And I promise that I will try my best to be there for you. And I promise that I will keep up with my tutoring, though I can't promise we won't have to have some kissing breaks here and there." He laughed and grinned as I talked. "I promise that I won't freak out if we share a bed at night, or if you try to give me a hug in the quad. And I promise I will be whatever you need me to be. I just need _you_ to promise me one thing." I took a deep breath and plunged into the part of this I hated telling him. "I need you to be cool that I'm not out yet. It's a process and this is all really new to me, but I need you to understand that I can't be open just like that." I sighed before finishing. "So what do you say?"

Blaine stood in the aisle and looked up at me, sizing me up. It was the same look he gave me that night at dinner before telling me that his brother had died. His lips formed a smile and he nodded. "Okay," he said. "Yeah…yes." The balloon in my stomach popped. I dropped the orange Dr. Seuss book on the floor and jumped off the stage nearly running up the aisle. When I reached him, I gave him the biggest hug I've ever given anyone. He held me tightly in one of those hugs that really meant something. Not that bullshit hug you give a family friend. I pulled back, my arms still around his waist, his around mine. He looked at me and hesitated. "I'll believe in you."

"You are…oh fuck it," I said. "Just kiss me already." So he did. I smiled as we kissed in the auditorium. That night, Blaine gave me something I was truly, truly thankful for. Something to believe in.


	10. This Christmas

**Chapter 9 – This Christmas**

_("This Christmas" by Ashanti)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

Over the next week, Blaine and I made a routine and stuck to it. Every day after school at exactly 3:30, we would meet in the auditorium. After an hour of studying, it was thirty minutes of reading. At five o'clock, we'd drop our bags off at our rooms before walking to dinner together at the dining hall. Afterwards, we usually went our separate ways. Every now and then he would come back to my dorm and we'd watch a movie. Other times we would walk around campus. But with the weather getting cold and Blaine's own finals coming up, we didn't have much time outside of tutoring. When the Warblers didn't place at Sectionals, it made life a little easier.

Weekends, however, they belonged to us. On Saturday mornings, I would wake up and have breakfast before getting as much homework done as I could. After lunch, Blaine would meet me and we'd spend the rest of the day together watching football or hanging out before falling asleep. Sunday was a sleep in day until noon and football was turned on again. After dinner, Blaine would usually go back to his dorm and finish some homework. I always hated the end of Sunday dinners.

The second weekend in December, Blaine and I decided to spend all night Friday together until Sunday night. We worked through dinner on Wednesday and Thursday so we could skip doing any homework on Saturday morning. The plan: Friday night in, football on Saturday afternoon, followed by shopping and then eating out. After dinner, Sweet Lights at Rocky Ridge. It was the highlight of the season in Westerville. The town had a state park nearby where they set up a trail you walk that's covered in Christmas lights. Finally, after sleeping in Sunday, we'd watch some TV and head our separate ways after dinner. It was, in my opinion, the perfect holiday weekend. As I walked into the auditorium on Friday, more excited than ever, Blaine had a look of disappointment on his face.

"Hey you," he said, showing a slight grin before reaching out toward me. I took his hand and he pulled me closer, giving me a quick kiss. He was always very careful to be discrete when we weren't in private. "So bad news."

"What is it?" I asked.

"Blizzard is coming. The school is making everyone on campus until the storm is gone and the roads are clear. So it looks like our Saturday night just got ruined."

"No it didn't," I said, grinning.

"Oh yeah?" he asked.

"Give me a pen," I said, smiling from ear to ear. I wasn't going to let some stupid snow storm get in my way. He threw a pen my way as I pulled a notebook out of my bag. I began jotting away.

"What is it?" He was curious. And I loved it. Something about having surprises up my sleeve made me feel sneaky. I handed him the paper.

"You go to the grocery store and get everything on this list. Grab anything else you'll want. Then pack your bags to stay at my dorm for the weekend and meet me there in an hour and a half. Promise you won't regret it," I explained, throwing my bangs out of my eyes.

"I don't know what you're up to," he told me, "but I'm excited." He gave me a wink before grabbing his bag and walking toward the door. "See you at five," he said before exiting the auditorium. I took my bag and walked out the side door into the snow. Right now it was just flurries, but with the way people were moving around campus, I could tell it was going to get worse. The teachers usually took their time getting home, but the faculty parking lot was practically empty and it was only 3:45. When I got back to my room and turned on the Weather Channel, I knew it was bad. Up to 24 inches of snow. A blizzard to bring us a white Christmas. Now when I lived in Virginia for a year, they called for 3 inches of snow and people ran to the grocery stores and planned on barricading themselves in their houses for days. Here in Ohio it's a little different. They call for 3 inches and people are still wearing flip flops and shorts. Where was the happy medium? Apparently two feet of snow was _reasonable_ for people in Ohio to hunker down for a storm. As Blaine shopped I searched for a box under my bed. Instead I found two dirty socks, my notebook from last semester's economy class, an old fishbowl (no fish included), and the September 2008 edition of _Rolling Stone Magazine_. In the back corner of my bed, the whole way against my wall was the box I was looking for. As I pulled it out, I read aloud, "Sam – Christmas."

A year ago, my mom forced me to bring a box full of Christmas lights and stockings "just in case." In case what, I wanted Santa to come and visit? Really? A year later, I realized why she wanted me to have it: so I could bring the spirit of Christmas in my dorm room.

Okay, so maybe she just did it to get rid of junk in the house. Either way, I was happy to have it. I got to work, putting up Christmas lights around the perimeter of the room and around my third floor window. I hung the stockings over my desk and put a Christmas bowl out which would soon be full of red and green M&M's. I pulled out the red and green plates, bowls, and cups my mom threw in there. Finally, I peered into the box and saw the item on the bottom of the box. Mistletoe. I blushed just thinking about bringing it out and shut the flaps of the box. Something stopped me. I opened the flaps up quickly and grabbed the mistletoe, hanging it over my closet door.

Throwing the box back under the bed, I shoved the rest of the items, fishbowl and all, back under the bed before laying down and admiring my handy work. Blaine was going to be so impressed. I glanced over at the clock. 4:30. Taking a deep breath, I kicked my shoes off and threw them into the open closet. Without warning, one of the strings of lights fell onto me. I guess that's what I can expect when I hang up Christmas lights with Scotch tape. I got up and stood on my bed attempting to hang it back up. Just as I got that side hung up, another stretch of the long line fell down. I pulled on it and it came flying across the room, the heavy plug in side heading off the charge. The end hit my forehead and I fell off the bed, my legs tangled in the lights. When I fell, the third side ripped off the window and across my shoulders. Before I knew it, I was trapped in a tangle of Christmas lights. I waddled over to the door to shut it before anyone saw what was going on. As I passed the closet door, the mistletoe dropped right on my head, capping my hot mess of Christmas. I looked at the door and wouldn't you believe it. Who was standing there?

"Holy shit," Blaine said, holding onto a few grocery bags. He stepped in and shut the door behind him. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I would be meeting the Ghost of Christmas Gay." He just looked at me and my face got Santa Claus red. I gave him a playful pout before laughing out loud.

"Please help me," I asked teasingly. He let out a high pitched laugh and dropped the grocery bags and his bookbag before coming over to help me out of my web of Christmas lights.

"You are just the cutest little elf. I think Santa wants you to be his _special _elf this year," he teased in a little kid voice, taking my face in his hands. "All we need is one of those cute little green hats. It'll make your eyes pop."

"Would you please stop making Santa sound like a pedophile?" I asked as I began to untangle myself.

"Well he's already got a mean record for breaking and entering," Blaine remarked, helping me out of the Christmas lights. I laughed out loud before kicking my legs out of the last of the lights. "There we go," he said, collecting the lights and throwing them on my bed. "Why don't I finish this and you can put away the groceries?" he asked.

"Deal," I responded. As I put the groceries in my mini-fridge or the cabinet, Blaine struggled to get the lights up. "It looks like I'm not the only guy who can't get the lights up." He turned to me as he stood on my bed and shook his head.

"Two gay guys who are awful at interior decorating. Martha Stewart would be so pissed," he joked. I gave him a small chuckle. The gay jokes still felt a little weird, but I definitely wasn't going to let them get in the way of my time with Blaine. I gave him my word that I wouldn't get weird around him and that was that.

"Let me help," I said, jumping on my bed. In a half an hour, the lights were hung up sturdily and Blaine collected all the extra Scotch tape from the floor before picking up the mistletoe. I turned around and he stood with it holding it above our heads. "Oh that's clever," I told him, giving him a devilish grin.

"I thought so," he replied. He leaned in and gave me a sweet kiss. I smiled and caught his eye before he turned to the closet and hung up the mistletoe over the doorway. I sighed as I looked around. My room was finally set for a Christmas weekend. "So what's your plan, Sam? Hey!" he exclaimed. "That rhymes…almost." I shook my head.

"My plan is one sick ass holiday weekend with the guy that I love…being around." I caught myself. I didn't know if I loved him. What the hell was I saying that for? Ditch it. I knew if I even started to think like that, it would only lead to doubting my decision to be with Blaine. "A night of baking Christmas snacks before a movie, a Saturday with football, food, and fun. And a relaxing Sunday with me," I said. "and I can swear there won't be a Marlon Brando reference in sight," I finished, chuckling at myself.

"Sounds simple. Sounds nice. I like it," Blaine said approvingly.

"Come on down to the kitchen," I told him. "Hopefully it won't be too crowded." He jumped off the bed and we grabbed the snacks I told him to buy. As we walked down the hallway to the kitchen, almost everybody was in their rooms, either playing video games or relaxing. The dorms at Dalton were something worth going to the school for. The seven dorm buildings surrounded the football field length quad in a U shape. The opposite end of the quad housed the maintenance building. Each building was named after a latin virtue. I lived in Veritas, the middle building on a long side of the U. Blaine lived in Animus on the short side of the U shape. In each building, there were three levels, each with six single rooms, a bathroom, and a kitchen. It was a pretty sweet deal.

Reaching the virtually empty kitchen, Blaine and I got a spare baking pan out and began greasing it up. "So," Blaine said, pulling out a tube of cookie dough, "we had to go with these because I'm practically a cripple when it comes to cooking." I laughed as I took the tube of cookie dough. It was one of those tubes of sugar cookies that have the designs on them like the snowman head or Santa's face. Just cut them, place them, and bake them.

"You're really bad at cooking?" I asked, surprised there was actually something Blaine couldn't do. I tore open the packaging around the tube and grabbed a butter knife.

"I can make a grilled cheese, but I really gotta watch it or I'll burn it."

"That's it?"

"And a bowl of cereal. And sometimes, if I'm _really _feeling up for a challenge, I can make scrambled eggs with toast."

"Well then, I'm gonna teach you how to cook," I said, handing him the butter knife. "Just cut pieces like this thick," I said showing him using my index finger and thumb. "Then when you're done, put them on these baking sheets," I explained. "I'm gonna get these pretzel things ready," I said. He began cutting away at the cookie dough and I moved over to the pretzels. Laying them on another baking sheet, I was already excited about the weekend to come. In no time at all, our cookies and pretzel treats were in the oven baking.

"What are these things with the pretzels again?" he asked me. My eyes lit up.

"They're only one of the best snacks in the world," I raved. "Basically it's a small pretzel and a chocolate wafer on top of it. When you bake it, you just barely melt the chocolate before pulling them out and putting two M&Ms on it. When it cools down, it's the most delicious bite-size snack in the world."

"You seem pretty decent around a kitchen," he said. "How did you manage that with the dyslexia? It seems like it would be hard to follow measurements and stuff without messing up." I nodded and picked up a box, looking at the back.

"Honestly, I just know I have to be really careful with it," I explained. "And the nice part is that most measurements don't make sense backwards. I can't have 3/2 cups of anything. Or like 2/1 cups, ya know?"

"That's cool," he said, nodding his head. "I've never really thought about all the problems dyslexic people have until I met you. People make fun of it all the time, saying stupid shit like 'oh I'm so dyslexic' when they misspell something. But they don't really get it."

"Tell me about it," I said, turning around and pulling the pretzels out of the oven. "Now you gotta be quick with these M&M's or the chocolate wafers will harden on you," I told him. "Come help me," I said, putting the bag of M&M's between us. "Two per pretzel," I explained. He moved closer and our shoulders touched as we stood side by side around the baking pan. I turned and smiled warmly. He returned the smile and I felt content. Finally peaceful. When all of the pretzels were finished with M&M's, I pulled the cookies out and let them cool off. "Do you have that frozen pizza?" I asked him. He nodded and pulled it out of the grocery bag. I worked quickly, getting the pizza unwrapped and in the oven.

"I guess delivery wasn't an option," he suggested, looking at his cell phone. "My phone says the snow should be starting any minute."

"Gotta love the smartphone," I added, setting the timer for the pizza. I turned around and began scooping the cooled down pretzel snacks into a Tupperware container. "I'm excited for this Christmas," I said offhandedly.

"Me too," he agreed. "Usually I let Christmas slip by and then it's done before I even know it. I get to Christmas night, when I'm laying in bed, and all of the sudden I realize that it's all over and I didn't really enjoy it. But not this time," he continued. "This Christmas, I'm gonna enjoy it. I'm going to make an effort to really take the time to have fun."

"I like that goal," I said. "And maybe this Christmas, you'll even be able to cook dinner all by yourself," I explained chuckling.

"Let's not get crazy," he replied. I raised my eyebrows and gave him a smile.

"Never say never," I told him. "Just because you sucked at cooking last year doesn't mean you can't cook this Christmas." I swept the cookies into another Tupperware container before handing it to him. "Can you take these back to the room? You can find something to watch on TV and I'll be in in a few minutes with the pizza," I told him.

"Sounds good," he said taking the snacks and leaving the kitchen. I watched the timer count down and took a deep breath. I finally felt good about everything. And I had a sneaky feeling the weekend was going to make me feel even better.


	11. Sleigh Ride

**Chapter 10 – Sleigh Ride**

_("Sleigh Ride" by Relient K)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

When I woke up the next morning, Blaine was awake and sitting up in bed watching TV. "Good morning," he said smiling. I stretched out and let out groan before sitting up and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Morning," I said. Sports Center was on TV. "What time is it?" I asked.

"Almost noon," he responded. I looked around to find my alarm clock. 11:49.

"Well shit," I said offhandedly. "I didn't think I would wake up that late." It wasn't surprising though, not after last night. Blaine and I stayed up until damn near three in the morning watching all sorts of Christmas movies. I made way too many bad _A Christmas Story_ impressions, from Flick getting his tongue stuck to the flagpole to Randy's wailing 'I can't move my arms!' when he's stuck in his big, puffy coat. It didn't help that we broke out some Coke and rum that I had stashed under my desk drawer. I figured as long as the Residential Council didn't find out, who was getting hurt? "How much did I drink last night?"

"Well enough that you thought it was appropriate to make a song for the 'poor Jewish boy who never experienced Christmas' in _The Polar Express_. Although, I had no clue you owned a guitar, much less that you could play it." I put my head in my hands and moaned.

"Oh no! That's so offensive," I growled. Blaine laughed. "But you know which one I was talking about, right? The kid in the back of the train who never had Christmas," I added, looking up.

"Yeah, you described him very well in your rendition of _The Sad Jew on Christmas_."

"No!" I let out pitifully. "Please don't think I'm some terrible person." Blaine laughed out loud.

"Calm down, dude. You were drunk. I was drunk too. It's not a big deal. I'm more interested in this musical gift you've been hiding."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said sneakily before giving him another kiss. I got out of bed and grabbed my shower bag, lurching from the cold air.

"I'll be back," I told him. "I'm going to brush my teeth and make sure I don't look like a fool." He grinned and winked before I left. As I walked down the hallway, the entire floor was empty. I began to wonder if the past eighteen hours had only been a dream or something. Like in those horror movies where you realize you're the only person around. And all of the sudden things stop making sense. And then you start freaking out and running. And you can't find someone. And then you wake up in a cold sweat.

Not that that's ever happened to me before or anything.

When I came back from brushing my teeth and attempting as best as I could to tame my hair, Blaine was up, getting dressed in jeans and a thermal shirt. "Come on, let's go," he said, almost shouting. Instantly my nerves got the best of me.

"Where are we going?" I asked frantically. "Did you forget there's a foot of snow on the ground?" He threw on his blue Dalton hoodie over his shirt.

"A foot and a half," he corrected me. "And it's still snowing. There is, however, a huge snowball fight going on in the quad and from the looks of it, Animus is getting pounded by the Caritas guys. The kids from Amare Hall joined up with Honoris and Conscientia and they formed a whole wall of destruction down on this end."

"And where does Veritas fit into this?" I asked, wondering about my own house.

"They're about to get demolished by the Triumvirate," he explained, referring to the three houses that worked together. I threw my shower bag down and grabbed my jeans before throwing them on. "First of all, _it's on_. Second, 'triumvirate'? That's a 25 cent word. Impressive," I said throwing on a long sleeve t-shirt and a hoodie. Blaine already had his coat on as well as his hat, gloves, and scarf and was standing at the door like a five year old waiting for the first day of school.

"Come on!" he exclaimed.

"Go ahead, I'll meet you down there," I told him. Before I could even look up, he was sprinting down the hall. I threw on my coat and grabbed my gloves and hat before locking my door and slamming it behind me. The confidence and excitement that rushed through me as I ran down the hallway was so foreign to me. It's like, you're sad for a really long time, and you spend all that time trying so hard not to cry every day. And then somebody comes into your life. And you're happy again. It's liberating. It feels free. Two months ago, I would've never run outside to join a snowball fight. Not with these guys who were constantly taunting me. But now, I knew I would be okay and still have fun. I also knew this was my chance to prove myself. Running out the door, I was too happy to expect the snowball that hit me in the head. I stopped dead in my tracks.

Blaine was laughing hysterically. "I'm sorry, but I had to," he said through his unstoppable laughter. "You just walked right into it." I gave him a devilish grin before looking at him with piercing green eyes.

"You. Are. So. Dead." I picked up a huge clump of snow and began to pack it together. Blaine ran in the opposite direction toward his house, but I wasn't having it. When I was ten, my dad forced me to try baseball even though I fought him on it. I always wanted to play soccer. Point is, we must've thrown pitches in the backyard for hours that spring. I wasn't going to miss Blaine. I pitched the snowball toward him and nailed him right in the head. "Who's the bitch now?" I yelled, my competitive side coming out. Blaine turned around with the most bewildered and amused expression I've ever seen.

"Who's the bitch now?" he repeated. I shrugged.

"I saw it in _The New Guy _but I've never had a reason to use it until just then." Blaine's eyes stayed wide as he shook his head. As I went down to pick up a new bunch of snow he ran the opposite direction and hid behind the large wall of snow the Animus guys had put up. I ran back to the same bunker Veritas made, barely missing about five snowballs on the way there. "Hey," I said ducking behind the wall. Tom Stevens looked up at me flanked by two guys I recognized from the first floor.

"What's up?" they asked. The air seemed stale around us and I had to break the ice somehow.

"I'm Sam," I said.

"Yeah, we know."

"Cool." Good job, Sam. Way to break the ice. Not. "So where do we stand?" Tom sighed before throwing a snowball and ducking back behind the wall.

"Most of our guys are out on the field trying to kick some ass. The three houses on that side of the quad are killing everyone. Potetas is barely holding on, they want to join up, but it's useless without Animus. Caritas is holding their own pretty well against Animus. You know they've had their rivalry for years. It affects everything, including snowball fights." I nodded as I packed a snowball and threw it in the direction of the newly dubbed "Triumvirate."

"So we need Animus if we have any chance of not going under?" I asked. Tom nodded.

"But they won't join up. I guess they think we'll drag them down and you know they want to demolish Caritas."

"I'll get them to join us," I said. "Then we can get Potetas too," I explained. Tom scoffed at me. His friends laughed as I talked.

"Yeah, okay," he said reluctantly. "Good luck with that."

"When I come back with them," I said confidently, "you owe me." I ran in the opposite direction and saw Blaine creeping out from behind the Animus wall. He eyed me with a devious smile. I threw my hands up in a surrender position. "Wait!" I called out to him, motioning him over. He ran over quickly, dodging the snowballs from Caritas.

"Ready to surrender already?" he asked.

"No," I answered indignantly. "We need Animus to join us. Think you can make it happen?" I asked.

"Yeah, not a problem," he said.

"Good deal, bring a few guys over to the Veritas wall and we'll join up there."

"Deal," he said before we pounded fists. "Oh, hey Sam!" I turned around to face him. No, not to face him. To a face full of snow. "Okay, _now _we're on the same side." I wiped the snow off my face before throwing daggers at him with my eyes. He ran back to his team, giving me the sweetest smile. How could I get mad at him? With his hazel eyes that seemed to glow brighter than the snow and that million dollar smile. Not to mention the killer personality. Blaine was becoming exactly what I needed.

As I shook myself out of it and ran over to the Potetas wall, I knew recruiting them would be easy. "I thought your hall stood for strength," I said with a snarky tone. The guys behind the wall gave me cutting looks. "Sorry, that was rude. Look, Animus and Veritas are joining up. We heard you wanted in." Within five minutes, I was leading guys from both Potetas and Animus Hall back to the Veritas fort. The looks on my housemates' faces were priceless. "You're welcome," I said defiantly with a triumphant grin.

"You're…you did good," Tom said smiling. I could tell he was stuck between excitement for our team and shock that I actually pulled it off.

"Okay, let's get a plan together, huddle up." After a quick pow-wow, we figured out our strategy. We would fake battle each other and let the Triumvirate take out Caritas. We didn't want a two front war. It didn't work for the Nazis and it wouldn't work for us (see those boarding school smarts coming into play?) and we knew the Triumvirate would take out the Caritas guys first. They were the biggest threat. While we were fake fighting, two teams led by me and Blaine would flank the Triumvirate and take sleighs full of snowballs to the observatory hill. When the Triumvirate took out Caritas we'd wait for the signal and the sleigh teams would race down the hill and around the maintenance building, flanking the Triumvirate. Then they'd have a two front war and we'd win for sure. It was genius.

As we loaded two sleighs behind Veritas Hall and hauled them up the hill, Blaine showed his gratitude. "This is really impressive Sam. Getting us together and figuring out this plan and all."

"Well the only reason my plan is going to work is because of you. If I didn't have the in with you, Animus would've never joined us. And then we wouldn't have had the numbers to make this work."

"Still," he contested. "You're really a natural born leader. I think if you got over all of your insecurities, you could be a great leader." I smiled at him and began thinking to myself. I bet I really could. I mean, I had always been so scared of letting myself go, of really using my full potential. Blaine was bringing out the parts of me I had spent so long suppressing. Not just the whole liking guys thing. But everything else, my social life, schoolwork, everything. It had only been two short months since I got to know him, but I owed Blaine a lot.

"You guys over there," I said to the other team as we reached the peak of the hill. We hid on either side of the observatory and waited for Potetas to throw up the red flag, Blaine and I in one sleigh and two guys from Animus in the other. Behind the maintenance building at the bottom of the hill, ten other guys were waiting for us to the sled past so they could reinforce the flanking team.

"Hey," Blaine said as he sat in front of me in the sleigh. "Good luck." I smiled and sat behind him.

"You too," I said, putting my arm around his torso and pulling him closer to me. "And if I die in this war, I want you to go home and tell my kids that I loved them," I said in a goofy, dramatic voice.

"Seriously, is your life a movie or something?" he asked me, turning his head.

"Pretty much," I answered bluntly. "Red flag!" I yelled, caught off guard as I saw the Potetas guys throw up a red glove. "Go!" I screamed. I pushed the sleigh down the hill and Blaine maneuvered it. As we raced down the hill, I saw the other team's sleigh right beside us. He positioned the sleigh around the maintenance buildings as I held onto him closely. Best sleigh ride ever. When we got to the opposite side of the maintenance buildings, our team of fourteen guys began the assault. The remaining guys on the other front bombarded them as we made our way across the quad.

The rest is history. The Triumvirate was defeated, Animus had a leg up on the Caritas/Animus rivalry, and I had the best sleigh ride of my life. By the time Blaine and I made our way back into my dorm, the sun began to set, the snow had piled up at least another foot, and it wasn't going anywhere. I was drenched to the bone in a mixture of melted snow and sweat, I was tired, and I was hungry. But as I walked inside and shook out my wet hair, I knew for the first time in a long time, I was truly, 100% happy.


	12. Christmastime Is Here

**Chapter 11 – Christmastime Is Here**

_("Christmastime Is Here" by The Vince Guaraldi Trio)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

While I was showering, Blaine cleaned up the room and put all of our wet clothes in my hamper. We switched up and I cooked as he showered. By seven o'clock, we had eaten dinner, cleaned up, changed into our sweatpants and t-shirts, and were feeling comfortable. I sat down on the bed next to Blaine and held his hand. "That really was an _awesome_ afternoon," I said. "I don't think I've had that much fun in a long time.

"How long?"

"Too long," I told him. "I remember when I was younger, like eleven or twelve, and I had this one amazing day with my dad. He was usually really big into pressuring me about playing baseball or going hunting with him. But one day, he finally let up. We were living in Georgia at the time and I had just gotten out of school." As I told him the story, I moved to put my back to the window and faced him as we both sat on the bed. "He took me to Six Flags and we rode all the rollercoasters. He knew I liked the big ones and he even got us the fast pass so we could ride as many as possible. He got us the best food and we even went to the arcade for like an hour. It was probably the last time I had an amazing day." I shrugged and pulled my knees up to my chest.

"Wow. I didn't even know you rode rollercoasters."

"I haven't gone since that day."

"Why not?" he asked, scrunching his eyebrows.

"Someday I'll go back," I said, shrugging. "Wanna watch a movie?" I asked trying to change the subject. He shook his head, his dark hair still wet from the shower. He had it all messed up the way I liked it. I figured it had something to do with me telling him I hated the uniform policy of well kempt hair.

"I want to talk. We haven't done much of that when we're alone."

"We do during tutoring," I suggested.

"That doesn't count." I nodded in agreement. "Besides," he said, "after last night, when you were playing the guitar and today when I saw you whip into shape out of nowhere, I realized there's a lot I don't know about you."

"Not so good at figuring me out anymore, huh?" I asked, raising my eyebrows in amusement. He smirked, shaking his head slowly. "Okay, what do you want to know?"

"Okay," he said. "First, I want you to answer a question I've been dying to ask."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Are you sure you aren't Macaulay Culkin?" I burst out into laughter and he followed.

"I'm pretty sure. Although one time I did get lost in a grocery store. I don't think that's quite the same as _Home Alone_, but it works right?" I explained through my laughter. "Okay my turn," I said. "What was your most embarrassing moment?" Blaine's face got red quickly.

"I mean we don't have to do this anymore. You wanna watch a movie?" he asked abashedly.

"No!" I interjected. "Come on, tell me."

"Fine," he conceded, sighing heavily. "When I was fourteen, my friends and I all went to a Britney Spears concert. Don't judge!" he snapped. I threw my hands up in surrender. "So anyway, we were standing down there and she called me on stage. _Me!_" he exclaimed. "And I was so excited, I went running up, thinking, ya know, what are the chances, and all of the sudden, I get up there and I tripped on some wires and fell flat on my face and broke my nose. I got blood all over the stage and I was just _mortified_." I laughed as he told his story, but felt bad. It was that kind of bad when you see someone run into a clear door. It's sad, but hilarious.

"Did you ever get to meet her?" I asked.

"No!" he exclaimed, pushing his hands through his hair quickly. "The stage manager came over and then Britney came and hovered over me and they told her to keep going with the show. I got taken off stage to the first aid car and never got to meet her."

"Man! That's rough!"

"Okay, enough of that. What's your favorite holiday?"

"Easy," I replied. "Christmas, hands down. Good movies, good food, good presents, good music. It's just as good as it gets."

"I was never a big fan of Christmas," he told me, narrowing his eyes.

"Why not?" I asked, somewhat surprised. He seemed to be enjoying himself this time around. Then again, this Christmas was turning into a Christmas unlike any other. I looked over and he was giving me that look. That look he gave me when he was sizing me up. He sighed and licked his lips.

"Christmas has just been really hard for my family," he said. "My brother died four days before Christmas." I gulped, realizing what turn this conversation had taken. How was I supposed to respond to that? I decided to go with the flow, answer the way he would answer me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I offered, reaching out to hold his hand. He shook his head.

"No," he replied simply. "But I know I should." I raised my eyebrows.

"Well, I'm here if you want me to listen. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious. But I'm not curious because I wanna gawk at you. Er…that's not what I meant. I just…I want to help you if you want. You know, because you helped me." Good job, Sam. Way to spit that out.

"I know," he said, nodding. We sat in silence for a few moments before he looked up at me and caught my eyes. "He was driving. And I was in the car with him." I took a deep breath. I didn't know where this conversation was going to land, but I knew I wanted to be there for him.

"Uh huh."

"He was sixteen and I was ten and he had just gotten his license. So I was at a sleepover with one of my friends and he was at a party. And I wanted to go home so bad because my friend was making fun of me for something stupid. I can't even remember it anymore. So I called my mom and dad and they said they would have my brother come get me on his way home from the party. So I waited and he shows up late, around ten or so. And I get into the car and I notice that he's all over the road. I can still smell the alcohol reeking from his breath." I got chills up my spine, knowing where the story was going. Now that Blaine was telling me, I didn't want to hear it. "And I asked him if he was drunk. And he said he was fine. About two minutes down the road, he blew a red light and our car got hit on the driver's side by one of those big, eight passenger vans. I remember seeing the red light and then I woke up on a stretcher. When they loaded me onto the ambulance, I saw him laid out on a stretcher and they were putting this big white sheet around him." It took me everything not to cry for him. For what he went through. What he witnessed.

"He died," I said dumbly, more to get the feeling out, but also to let him know I was listening. He nodded.

"When you're ten, you don't forget an image like that, seeing your older brother body bagged in front of you. And looking back on it, I get so _mad_ at him," he told me through gritted teeth. "Why was he driving that night? What was he _thinking_ getting that drunk? I just want to shake him and slap some sense into him. It's just really frustrating, because I want to remember him and love that memory, but it's hard."

"What happened to you?" I asked, putting my hand on his leg to show my support.

"I was in the hospital overnight, but they released me the next morning. Twelve stitches later," he said. "I wear my hair all nice and neat to cover it up," he continued, showing me an inch long scar on the right side of his head, right at the hairline. I reached out and touched it, running my fingers along the scar. He looked up at me with his eyes holding back tears. That was an expression I knew well. Because I always had it. "We had his funeral the day after Christmas. It was really rough for everybody. So Christmas isn't the easiest holiday for us to go through," he finished. He looked out the window and wiped away his eyes. I saw him turn back to me and give me a weak smile. In that moment, I felt so much compassion for him. I couldn't help it. I leaned over hugged him. It was all I could do. He grabbed onto my arms and clutched onto my shirt, forcing his face into my shoulder.

"It's okay," I said, rubbing his back. He seemed to hold onto me for dear life before finally settling down and taking a few deep breaths. Pulling away from my hug, he wiped away his tears one last time and almost laughed. I looked at him sympathetically. "What's so funny?" I asked gently.

"Nothing, I just…I feel a lot better," he said, making one more sniffle.

"I'm glad," I said gratefully. "I think one of the best things to do is replace the bad memories of Christmas with good ones. Make Christmas a special time instead of a time to be upset about your brother. What was his name?"

"Ben. He really was a great brother," he told me. "He just made a dumb decision."

"I know that even though you're mad at him now, you still love him. Nothing can take that away. Not even five beers and a car crash."

"You astound me," he whispered, shaking his head in disbelief.

"What do you mean?" I asked, flashing my emerald eyes at him.

"You…are…so understanding and compassionate and _so_ empathetic toward other people. But you don't see it. You don't see all the amazing things about yourself."

"I see it in you," I replied. Blaine smiled. It was contagious. "I'm going to be real. Maybe it's because it's late at night or whatever, but you bring out the best in me. Like no one else. And I love you for it." Blaine leaned in and took my head in his hands, putting a hand on either side, before drawing me closer and kissing me deeply and genuinely.

"I think I love you," he whispered. I looked at him petrified. As I stared at him like an idiot, he began to look at me hesitantly. "This is the part where you say something," he said with a nervous laugh.

"I…I don't know what to say."

"Okay, well…okay," he replied awkwardly. Come on Sam, pull yourself together.

"I don't know about my feelings. But I know that you make me want to be better…better than what I am. And you bring out all these amazing parts of me I've never experienced. I am so grateful for you. I don't know if that's love, but I know I like it. And I don't want it to stop."

"That's good enough for me," he said smiling and leaning in for another kiss. I kissed him gently as he pulled me on top of him. Before I knew it, we had been kissing for a long time and I felt closer to him than anyone. He helped me explore a new side of myself. And whatever that feeling was called, I knew I liked it. A lot.

People say that miracles happen at Christmas. The baby Jesus was born. That little boy in the song got his mom the shoes for Christmas. And I even got my miracle. Blaine. As I laid there next to him after we had gotten too heated to continue, I knew he was my miracle. It took time, but even miracles take time, right? I cuddled close to him and felt his heart beat, felt him breathe in and out, felt his skin next to mine. And I had never anything so strong for anyone before.

"Blaine," I whispered, leaning my head toward his.

"Yeah?" he asked, opening his eyes.

"I love you too."

"Merry Christmas, Sam," he replied before kissing my forehead.

"Merry Christmas."


	13. The Grinch That Stole Christmas

**Chapter 12 – The Grinch That Stole Christmas**

_("You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" by The Whirling Dervishes)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

Sunday went by way too fast. Before I knew it, we were cleaning up dinner and Blaine decided to go back to his dorm to get ready for the week. Before he left, he gave me my newest reading assignment, _The Grinch That Stole Christmas, _another one by Dr. Seuss. I worked that night reading about this awkward green animal who wanted nothing more than to ruin Christmas for everybody. I, unfortunately, had my own Grinch to deal with: finals week.

I knew I would need to stay focused and really work hard on studying and making it through my exams. Over the past three weeks, Blaine had been preparing me for this and I felt pretty good. But I knew that if I wanted to pass, I would have to put all this Christmas joy on hold and replace it with studying and hard work. When I walked to the dining hall for breakfast on Monday morning, the happiness and excitement of the previous weekend was like an abandoned memory. The walls of snow were already beginning to melt, the sidewalks and streets around Dalton were freshly plowed, and the footprints in the snow from the snowball fight looked like fossils in the snow. One thing that hadn't gone away from the weekend was how I felt about Blaine.

I never had a connection like that in my life. I still felt his body against mine as we laid together on my bed. I could still remember how he smelled that night. And I'll never forget how he told me he loved me. The balloon in my stomach wasn't even there anymore. It popped a long time ago and the excitement and happiness was buzzing around freely in there. When I told him I loved him back, I knew I meant it. What else could that feeling be?

I focused on studying and by Wednesday, I knew I was prepared. "Just remember," Blaine said, wrapping up our tutoring session. "Take your time and read each question carefully." He began packing his bag. "And never leave a question blank," he added. "Especially those multiple choice questions. Even if you have absolutely no clue, guess as best you can. That way you have a 25% chance of getting it right rather than a 0% chance." I nodded, packing my things up.

"Thank you for helping me, Blaine," I said gratefully. "I would never have gotten through this semester without you." He looked up and shrugged. "I'm serious. I don't know where I would be without you."

"Failing," he suggested with a chuckle.

"Yeah," I agreed laughing with him. "Or worse," I said. "At home with my parents. They were gonna kick me out of the school if I didn't start getting better grades."

"I know," he replied. "Remember, I get to see your academic file."

"Oh yeah," I nodded. "So what are your plans for tonight?" I asked, naïvely hoping for a night with him before we left.

"Studying," he replied bluntly. "I have my Economy exam tomorrow morning and I'm swamped."

"Oh," I said dejectedly. "Well I don't want to keep you," I offered. Why did I have to be upset about this? I didn't want to be that crazy, super dependent, clingy guy. Things were complicated enough without me being clingy.

"I'm sorry," he said, giving me a pitiful look. "I really wish I could just make these exams disappear and spend the entire Christmas break with you, but I can't." I nodded.

"I know, I know. I'm not mad at you for having shit to do," I told him. "These finals suck."

"The Grinch That Stole Christmas, huh?" he added.

"Shut the hell up!" I exclaimed amused. "I thought the exact same thing on Monday!"

"That's what happens when we're on the same brainwave," he suggested as he gave me a wink and zipped up his bookbag. "Look," he said standing up and reaching out his hand. I took it as he pulled me up from sitting on the stage. "I don't leave until Saturday afternoon. Why don't we spend Friday night together? I'll give you your gift and then we can just enjoy some alone time before we have to leave for a few weeks." I lit up.

"That sounds perfect," I said, smiling. In the back of my head though, I was panicking. Did he say gift? As in Christmas gift? As in I didn't have a Christmas gift for him yet?

"There's a catch," he explained, interrupting my panic. "I can't see you tomorrow. I have to turn in my final report on your tutoring and study for my physics exam on Friday morning."

"You suck," I said playfully, grabbing his hand and standing closer to him.

"I know," he admitted. "But I'm cute, so I get away with it." I smirked and leaned in closer, giving him a kiss.

"Fine," I said, still holding his hand. Our hands fit together so perfectly, seamlessly working together. His skin was softer than mine, but not so soft that it felt like a girl's hand. Both of our hands were about the same size, so when they were together, it was a perfect fit. He held on with just the right amount of pressure. Not too tight, not too lazy. Just right. I loved holding his hand. "But when Friday rolls around," I continued, "you're mine," I growled.

"Well now, that sounds exciting," he said with a smirk. I didn't want to let go, but I knew I would have to eventually. Releasing his perfect hands, I gave him one more kiss before packing up my things. "Okay, babe, I gotta run. But I will see you Friday. Let's just meet here, yeah?" I nodded.

"Will do," I said.

"I love you," he told me before kissing me on the cheek and heading out of the auditorium.

"Love you too," I said, the smile plastered onto my face. It wasn't going anywhere. As I left the auditorium, I couldn't help but think about how good I felt. Yeah I had finals, and yeah my time with Blaine was restricted. But he loved me. And he kissed me. Two months ago, all of this was unthinkable.

So suck on that, Grinch.


	14. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

**Chapter 13 – Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas**

_("Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" by Judy Garland)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

When we first planned our date on Friday, I knew it would be hard to wait two whole days. Forty eight hours seemed like the longest amount of time in my life. But as I continued through the following days, time seemed to fly by instead of drag on. I was busy from the minute I woke up until I went to sleep. Between finals, finding a Christmas present for Blaine, and packing to go home over Christmas break, I kept myself occupied. Aside from finals, I had a hard time figuring out Blaine's Christmas gift. I had no clue what in the world to get for the guy who I was in love with. People think that those cute greeting cards talking about love and a box of chocolates will do fine, but when you actually _feel_ love, those things don't matter so much. You want to get something that will make that person infinitely happy. By Friday, as I was waiting for the closing bell to ring signaling the end of the semester, I found a gift, was packed, and had nothing on my mind but Blaine. I practically sprinted from the social sciences building to the auditorium, almost slipping on ice as I ran. When I got there, Blaine was sitting on the stage. I ran down the aisle and jumped into a hug.

"I missed you," I told him, my head in his shoulder. The excitement was buzzing around in my stomach again. I was so happy.

"I missed you too, babe," he said, returning the hug. "What are we gonna do with two weeks at home when we can barely stand two days?" he asked playfully.

"Tell me about it," I said. "God gave us cell phones for a reason." Blaine laughed and nodded in agreement. "So what's the plan?"

"Well, I have a surprise for you actually," he replied, a smile gracing his face. "And you'll never guess what it is." I looked at him, my eyes narrow in playful suspicion. "Don't even bother trying. Just come with me to my dorm," he said taking my hand. There it was. That perfect fit. He let go as he opened the door to the auditorium and I walked with him to his dorm.

"So I left your gift in my room," I said as we approached the quad. "Mind if I run and grab it?" I asked.

"Actually, that's a good idea. Why don't we get changed and I'll meet you in my dorm then?" I nodded and headed in the direction of Veritas. I ran up the two flights of steps to the third floor and was surprised to see most of my classmates were already gone. The rest were loading their things into their parents' cars. I guess if I didn't have a reason, I wouldn't be staying either. I changed into jeans and my grey Henley before throwing my coat on and grabbing the two wrapped packages on my dresser. In a few short minutes, I walked up the staircase in Animus and I opened the second story door to the strong smell of garlic bread. As I crept down the hallway toward Blaine's room, I passed the kitchen. He caught my attention and I was shocked to see him standing with a complete meal prepared and ready to go.

"You didn't!" I exclaimed, seeing Blaine pulling perfectly baked garlic bread out of the oven.

"I told you I would learn to cook," he said, stirring a pot of fettuccini alfredo. My mouth dropped, half in a smile, half in shock.

"I'm impressed," I said, still smiling. "You actually learned how to cook."

"Well, sorta," he said. "This isn't the first batch of pasta I've made today."

"How many have you made?" He looked up with a playfully serious expression on his face.

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to." I laughed out loud and signaled toward his room with my free hand.

"I'm gonna go throw my stuff in your room," I told him. "Be right back."

"Alright," he replied, doling out the pasta into two bowls. After putting my things in his room, I went back to the kitchen where Blaine stood proudly with his meal.

"Is there anyone on this floor?" I asked bluntly. He shook his head with a devious grin.

"They all left this afternoon," he said. I didn't think twice as I moved closer to give him a deep kiss. It felt scary, but strangely freeing to kiss him right in the middle of the kitchen rather than somewhere totally private.

"That was for making dinner for me," I said before planting another kiss on him. "And that was for just being you." He narrowed his eyes playfully.

"I think I could get used to this." I sat on the kitchen counter on the kitchen and he handed me a bowl of pasta. "Now we get to see if this actually turned out good or not."

"Oh come on," I told him, picking up some pasta with my fork. "I'm sure it's going to be amazing. It's a Blaine original!" Eating some of the pasta, I instantly regretted it. It must have been the worst food I had ever put in my mouth. Something between cardboard and cat litter.

"Is it good?" he asked hesitantly. I stopped and looked at him, trying my hardest to be convincing. I nodded slowly.

"Mhmm," I said with my mouth closed, trying desperately to swallow it and get it down. I forced it and took a freeing breath. "That's…well that's just…delicious," I lied, reluctantly digging in for another bite. Here's the thing about love. When I was younger, I used to think that love was all about the romance and being cute and buying flowers and that true love was being able to give your life for that person. But growing up, I realized that love is more about the little things. Taking care of someone when they're sick, going out of your way to pick up groceries so they don't have to, or even suffering through an awful meal to make them happy. That was love.

"You're lying," he said, calling me out. I stopped dead in my tracks.

"No I'm not," I replied, somewhat convincingly.

"Then why are you squinting when you take a bite?" he asked.

"I'm not…squinting."

"You look like you're bracing yourself to get punched in the face every time you take a bite."

"What…are you talking about?" I asked, trying hard to keep up the charade.

"You don't have to eat it if it's that bad," he said forgivingly. "I won't be mad. Although part of me wants to watch you keep trying," he added with a laugh. I looked at him with a pitiful look, the food staying stagnant in my mouth. "You want a napkin?" he asked resignedly. I nodded my head quickly before he handed me one and I spit the food out.

"Thank you so much," I said wiping off my mouth.

"So it was that bad?" he asked. I nodded slowly.

"It was pretty bad," I said offhandedly. "But you tried, and it really…I really appreciate you doing that. I think if you maybe…changed the recipe or something, it might be better?"

"How about you just cook from now on?" Blaine suggested bluntly.

"Deal," I replied. "Wanna order in?"

"More than anything," he said, throwing the pasta into the trashcan.

"The garlic bread is still good," I said, taking a bite. "You nailed those!" He turned around with a smile and ran to take a bite.

"Really?" He nodded with me. "Awesome!" After we cleaned up quickly, I walked into his room as he called to order pizza. His room was like being warped between two worlds. He had a big red Ohio State Buckeyes pendant hanging over his bed, right next to a poster for _Wicked_. His mirror was littered with tickets to sporting events, concerts, and Broadway shows. Everything seemed to pull me in different directions. If people could see that _this _was what being gay was, I don't think they'd have such a big problem. Gay people aren't just these big lipstick wearing guys who flutter around knowing fashion designers and drinking apple martinis. They're all different. They're just people, like everyone else.

I had to admit, I always liked staying in my room more. His room felt very neat and clean and academic. Like everything had a place and a purpose. My room felt a little less uptight. I liked that my room felt like home. As I snooped around, looking at the pictures on the wall, a frame on his desk caught my eye. In the 8 by 10 frame was a picture of a boy about my age. He looked similar to Blaine in that he had the same hair and eyes, but his facial structure was different. As I read the inscription in the bottom right hand corner of the portrait, my heart sunk.

_I love you all dearly_

_Now don't shed a tear_

_I'm spending my Christmas_

_With Jesus This Year_

It was his brother. The sterling silver frame was inscribed with his name and dates of birth and death. I ran my fingers along the side of it and jumped when Blaine entered the room.

"What are you looking at?" he asked softly. "Sorry," he added after I jumped.

"No, you just caught me off guard." He looked down at the desk next to me.

"It's the Christmas gift I got my parents. I didn't know what to get, but I want them to know that I'm doing better, and I feel a lot of closure about Ben's death," he said, moving next to me, looking at the portrait. "I felt so much better after telling you." I hesitantly met his eyes, chewing on the side of my lip. I nodded to him.

"I'm glad," I said, gulping. "He would want you to be happy and feel good about it I think." Blaine nodded back. I know it was just something people say, but I did feel that way. I know I would hate to see someone I love be upset because I died unexpectedly. I just didn't want Blaine to hurt anymore. Not over that. "Your parents are going to love this," I said.

"Do you want to walk with me?" he asked, trying to change the subject. "The pizza is gonna be an hour and I figure the campus is pretty much deserted anyway. Might as well use it to our advantage, right?" he continued, grabbing my hand.

"That sounds good," I said, before he kissed me quickly. We grabbed our coats and headed down the hallway hand in hand. I felt daring to be so open, so out about what we had going on. Part of me was thrilled, another part of me scared to death to be running down the hall holding hands with him.

"So what are your plans for break?" he asked me as we walked down the quad toward the observatory.

"Well I guess I'll have to stay sane somehow. Probably end up watching a shitload of movies. My parents wanted a Christmas list and all I asked for was DVDs." Blaine nodded, gripping my hand.

"I didn't really ask for much this year. For some reason, gifts just don't seem like that big of a deal. I'm just glad I got to spend this Christmas with you," he said smoothly.

"Oh come on," I said. He looked back at me. "Does that work with the other guys you've dated? The smooth talking and the…the eye gazing…and the…the…body electric thingy," I responded dumbly.

"Body electric thingy?" he asked amused. I blushed furiously, so embarrassed by what I had just said. "And yes, the smooth talking works and the eyes are killer, so why not use them?"

"What if I don't want your eyes?" I asked playfully as we reached the maintenance building on the opposite side of the quad.

"But you do," he said as he spun under my arm like a dance move. "You want my eyes and my smile," he bragged. Then he pushed me against the back of the maintenance building away from the quad. "And my body electric thingy," he whispered, throwing his body against mine.

"You're a tease," I whispered back, our faces so close we were practically touching. Our lips grazed one another's before he stopped and jumped back, laughing. "What's so funny?" I asked.

"I've never had a boyfriend like you!" he exclaimed through his laughter. "You play the shy, innocent game and then you throw that killer smile my way or you start kissing me. And _I'm _the tease. But if you want me to stop being a tease, I can just sit back and let you be sexy." I laughed before gulping and taking a deep breath.

"So what am I?" I blurted out.

"What do you mean?" he asked, his laughter dying down.

"You just said you never had a boyfriend like me before. What does that make me?" I asked, feeling incredibly vulnerable. "I mean, we've kinda been going at this for months now. I told you I love you."

"You mean are you my boyfriend?" I nodded, gulping again out of nerves. He gave me a sweet smile before coming closer to me. "Do you want to be my boyfriend?" he asked.

"Well yeah…I…er…I mean, yeah," I stuttered, sounding more and more like an idiot.

"Good. I want you to want to be my boyfriend." He held my hand as he talked.

"Come here," I told him, pulling him in for another kiss. "I just kissed my boyfriend."

"Hmm, I like the sound of that," he said as though it was a profound thought, something he had never discovered before. "Well boyfriend, we better get back. The pizza will be here soon." I followed him back to Animus where we met the pizza delivery guy at the door. Perfect timing. After eating, I found myself laying in Blaine's bed with him feeling way more comfortable than I usually did in his bedroom.

"So you ready for your present?" he asked, an excited grin on his face.

"I don't know, are you ready for yours?" He nodded as he jumped off the bed and opened his closet door. I grabbed my two packages from where I put them on the floor. We climbed onto the bed again and I handed him his gifts. After he handed me an envelope and a box, we stared at each other, waiting for the other person to go first. I couldn't help but smile. "Okay, you go first," I told him.

"Okay," he said, opening the smaller box first. Inside, he saw two birds that were ceramic ornaments. On one, I inscribed _Blaine – I love you – Sam_

"Two birds?" he asked, trying to act like he liked it. But he didn't know what it meant.

"Two turtle doves," I corrected him.

"Like the song."

"Exactly. Except turtle doves mean so much more. You keep one, and you give the other one to a very special person. Turtle Doves are a symbol of friendship and love. And as long as each of you has your Turtle Dove, you'll be friends forever." He smiled broadly before leaning closer to me.

"Thank you," he said handing me the other turtle dove. "You better not lose it," he ordered before kissing me. "And just for the record, you stole that from _Home Alone 2_."

Busted.

"I…yeah, I did," I admitted, laughing it off.

"So I _am_ dating Macaulay Culkin! I knew it!" he exclaimed. I blushed as he called me out. "No, but really Sam, this is sweet. Thank you," he said, holding his turtle dove in the palm of his hand. "It means a lot." I smiled.

"Okay, your turn," he said, pointing to the box. I unwrapped the long box, expecting the worst. It was just about the size of a kind of toy that…well you get the idea. Instead, I found something completely different.

"Shampoo," I said as I looked at the bottle.

"It's special shampoo. For color treated hair," he added proudly.

"But I don't dye my hair," I lied.

"Yes, you do. And the sooner you stop trying to hide it, the sooner I can help you take care of it so you don't have fading at the roots, like you do right now," he said. I held back my laughter.

"Fine, you found me out. But you can't tell anyone!"

"Deal," he said, chuckling. "Okay, let's see what's in here," he said, holding up my second package. He unwrapped the package and saw the 5 DVD's bound together with ribbon. "Oh cool! Movies!" he said genuinely excited.

"It's kind of my sampling of the top 5 movies everyone should have," I explained as he unwrapped the ribbon. "_The Godfather Part 2 _is one of my favorite movies of all time. You don't _really _need to watch the first one, but it's a good idea if you can get your hands on it," I continued. "_Love Actually _is this British romantic comedy, very funny," I added. "_Avatar _is a given, so I knew you'd like that. _Star Wars Episode IV _is practically a requirement if you're alive and _not_ living under a rock. Everyone likes the original series more than the prequel trilogy, but I think they're both good for different reasons," I said. "And then of course, you have _Mean Girls_. That movie is like _The Breakfast Club _for our generation."

"Thank you so much Sam! I can't wait to watch these."

"Oel ngati kameie," I told him in Na'vi. "I see you," I translated with a goofy grin on my face. Blaine laughed and gave me another kiss. If we kept kissing like this, I was going to need a few new sticks of Chapstick pronto.

"Okay, one more," he said, pointing to the envelope. I picked it up and opened it carefully. Inside was a note.

_To Sam: You deserve to be happy. Here's a little dose of happiness. I love you. Blaine_

I looked inside the envelope and saw two tickets.

"They're to Cedar Point," he explained, his voice gently falling out of his body, like that first day we met in the bathroom. "I remember you telling me about that day with your dad and riding all of the rollercoasters and having that amazing day. And I just want to make you happy," he continued. "So I thought we could go this summer, just you and me. They have a weekend in early June for gay and lesbian families. We could have that perfect day." As he spoke, I felt something that had grown unfamiliar in the past few weeks. Tears. I didn't cry at all anymore. But when I heard Blaine's voice and felt the compassion he had to recreate that day, I knew I would never leave him. He and I were meant to be together. He understood me and cared for me like nobody else. Tears welled up in the bottoms of my eyes, but I didn't let them go.

"Get over here," I said, choking on my words before pulling him into an enormous hug and thanking him. "This is…incredible, Blaine."

"I love you," he told me. The feeling I had for him in that moment was so intense. I just wanted to grab him and hug him and never let go. "Sam, I love you," he repeated. I pulled away from the hug and looked at him. His hazel eyes showed more sincerity than I had ever seen him show me. It blew my mind.

"I love you too Blaine," I told him, giving him a tender kiss. Before we started making out too much, I moved our gifts onto his desk before coming back to that honest face. "Are you okay?" I asked, laying next to him, my arm thrown lazily on his chest.

"I don't know. I just don't think I've felt about anyone like I feel about you. It's scary."

"Tell me about it," I told him.

"I trust you," he said simply. "I trust you." When he said that, I felt a mix between happiness and being petrified. When someone puts their trust in you, you can't fuck up. You have to stick to your guns and be there for them. I nodded. "I don't want you to leave tomorrow," he said dejectedly.

"Me neither," I agreed. "But we still have tonight, right?" I offered, trying to make him feel better. "Look Blaine, I'm not too good with words and stuff, but I love you. And if we have one more night together, then I want to relax and enjoy it. So what do you say we cuddle up with a movie and fall asleep?" Blaine nodded, giving me a reassured smile.

"Good plan," he said. Within ten minutes, when both of us were curled up together under the covers watching _It's A Wonderful Life_, I knew I would never forget this Christmas. Blaine had made my season the most memorable in my life and I loved him for it. As he ran his fingers gently through my hair and my eyelids began to feel heavy, I wanted to hang onto every last moment with him.

"I love you Blaine," I said. "Merry Christmas boyfriend." Blaine looked down and kissed my cheek before cuddling closer to me.

"Merry Christmas Sam. I love you."


	15. Better Together

**Chapter 14 – Better Together**

_("Better Together" by Jack Johnson)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

Two weeks later, I was in the car on the way back to Dalton reading over the massive amount of texts Blaine and I had sent each other over break. There were more _I miss you_'s than I could count. A rundown of our Christmas gifts, some holiday greetings, and random conversations were scattered in there as well. The one text I loved most from him:

_Happy New Year Sam! I miss you and I can't wait to see you. Make this year one you'll never forget. A year for changing and growing. I can't wait to be right beside you the whole way. I love you!_

How does that not melt your heart? I'm a dude, but I still have feelings and Blaine knew how to tap into them. It was the weirdest thing. But I was down with it. You can imagine what it was like seeing him for the first time when we got back. I was saying goodbye to my parents and as they drove away, I saw him. He walked out of Animus Hall and began heading toward the dining hall. I ran toward him. "Blaine!" I called out across the quad. He stopped and turned on a dime, catching my eye. I ran down the sidewalk and he caught me in a hug before I could stop him. His arms wrapped around me tighter than I ever expected and it felt great. Yeah, I was a little worried about people watching us, but at that moment, the fact that he was finally in front of me after two weeks apart overpowered any shame I had. It was phenomenal.

"Sam!" he said as he collapsed into an embrace. "I'm so happy you're back," he whispered as we hugged.

"Me too," I replied, hugging him back. The smiles on our faces didn't leave for a long time. As we walked to the dining hall to grab some dinner together, I was ecstatic. Finally, after the longest 14 days of my life, I had my boyfriend back. We grabbed some food from the deli before heading over to a table to sit down.

"How was the drive?" he asked sitting down next to me. His brown shirt made his hazel eyes shine at me and the gold chain he always wore shimmered in the sunlight that snuck through the windows.

"Too long," I replied. "I just wanted to get here with you," I admitted, taking a bite of my sandwich. "What about you? Just get back today?"

"This morning," he answered. "My parents had to be back in Pittsburgh by noon, so they got me here early," he said nodding. "So we've got one more night before classes begin and all hell breaks loose. What do you want to do with it?"

"Well," I said, half excited, half hesitant, "I want to show you something. I thought a lot about it over winter break, and I want you to hear this."

"Oh yeah?" he asked, "What's that?"

"Remember that night I got drunk and made that really offensive song?"

"How could I forget?" he asked before singing out loud, "I'm just a sad Jew, are you? Yeah, a sad Jew on Christmas. No Christmas tree to brighten my day, just a dreidel made of clay…"

"Stop!" I exclaimed, cutting him off before blushing a furious red. "What I was _going _to tell you was that you kept asking about my music. And I don't usually share that with anyone. But I want to share it with you." His eyes got wide and he was quiet for a moment before a huge grin crept onto his face.

"Sam!" he whispered excitedly. "Yes! I'm so pumped! I wanna hear this. Who knows, I may have to recruit you for the Warblers!" I laughed out loud.

"That might not be the best idea," I suggested, chuckling to myself. "I don't want the world to hear me make an ass out of myself." He shook his head.

"Come on man, what happened to _courage_?" he replied.

"I know, I know. I mean, I'm sharing it with you, right?"

"Alright, that's true," he admitted.

"Besides, the Warblers are jerks," I added under my breath.

"What?"

"I said the Warblers get a lot of perks," I said louder with a smile.

"Yeah," agreed Blaine, oblivious to what I said. "Why do you keep this whole music thing a secret? If you're good at it, you should share it."

"I don't want other people ruining it for me. I like my music. It's the only thing I have that I feel totally comfortable with." I took a sip of my drink and leaned in, lowering my voice. "And reading music was never hard for me. It's like when I look at the sheet music, my dyslexia turns off. I don't want somebody ruining that for me." Blaine looked at me with awe in his eyes. It reminded me of the day he put me in front of the window, the same look that saw right through me. Except last time it was with sadness, this time in admiration. We sat in silence for a second before Blaine broke his stare.

"Come on," he said suddenly. "Let's go."

"Go? We just sat down," I replied, raising my eyebrows.

"Well I can't wait to hear this music. Let's go," he said. "This is too good." I took a big sigh before pulling myself out of the chair.

"You aren't really missing a rock concert dude," I replied, somewhat annoyed I hadn't gotten to finish my food. I grabbed my sandwich and drink before following him back out into the cold.

"Not the point. I want to hear you sing."

"Well if you're going to make me do it now, could you at least wait up?" I asked, running toward him. He stopped and turned around, waiting for me. "Thank you," I said, still somewhat annoyed. I took a deep breath as we walked. I couldn't be mad at Blaine. He was the only person keeping me sane and if I started getting mad at him, I wouldn't last here.

When we got to my room, Blaine sat on the bed quietly as I got out my guitar from the closet. The blue pick was tucked neatly in the strings as I swung the guitar over my shoulder, the strap falling nicely on my shoulder. "Alright," I said, looking down at the guitar and pulling the pick from under the strings. "What do you wanna hear?" Blaine looked at me beaming.

"Whatever you want," he said, shrugging, the smile not leaving his face.

"Okay," I said spinning around. "Well how about _Better Together_? It's a Jack Johnson song," I explained, facing him.

"Sounds good." With my heart in my throat, I began plucking away at the strings before singing.

_There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard,_

_ No song that I could sing but I could try for your heart._

My own heart was pounding as I kept singing. The song, luckily, had a fairly light beat to it, and as I sang, the familiar feeling of being with my music set in. Even though Blaine was watching, I still felt a wave of comfort slowly wash over me.

_Mmm, it's always better when we're together  
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together  
Well, it's always better when we're together  
Yeah, it's always better when we're together_

I glanced up at him. It was hard to look him in the eyes as I sang, but his were set on mine. It was like a tractor beam, and soon my green eyes were drawn to his. The hazel in them swirled and made my spine tingle as I finished the song.

_And when I wake up you look so pretty sleeping next to me  
But there is not enough time  
And there is no, no song I could sing  
And there is no combination of words I could say  
But I will still tell you one thing  
We're better together._

As I strummed the last chord, my eyes never left his. I took a deep breath and saw his mouth form a gigantic smile. I tried to keep my own mouth from doing the same thing, but it was useless.

"That was great," he said, smiling. "You're better than you think you are." There he was again, acting like I needed his support.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, keeping my cool.

"I just mean I think you have more talent than you think. It's a compliment." I took a deep breath and looked at him, pushing out a hesitant smile.

"Yeah, I…yeah. Thanks."

"You don't have to keep singing if you don't want to."

"It's cool," I said, swinging the strap over my neck and putting the guitar against the closet door. I sat in my desk chair and rolled over next to the bed where I grabbed Blaine's hands. "Tell me more about your break. Did your parents like the present?" I asked.

"It was kind of a big cryfest in my house. I gave it to them and my mom opened it up and just started bawling. And she tried to keep it together and tell me that it was very nice, but her crying just made my dad emotional. And then I got emotional," he said slowly.

"So…it was a good gift?" I asked, not sure if all the emotions were good or bad. I think if I ever saw my dad get emotional after I gave him a gift, I would take the gift back and run as far away as I could.

"Yes," he said laughing. "it was great. Break in general was really good. Had a lot of fun with my parents. Saw a lot of movies." My insides cringed hearing about his family. My break was far from the Norman Rockwell painting. I argued a lot with my parents and avoided them at all costs. It made me wonder what it was like to have a family like Blaine's. "You know," he said, interrupting my thoughts. "because my boyfriend gave me a bunch for Christmas." My face got red and I couldn't help but grin. My momentary sadness faded away as Blaine shot his eyes my way. "So you wanna share another song?" he asked. I shook my head.

"Not really."

"Fair enough," he continued without another word about it. "We could do other things," he suggested, taking my hand and pulling me toward the bed. "We could cuddle," he said, pulling me harder. I landed on top of him and held myself up with my hand. As he looked up at me, my lips formed a playful grin.

"You want to cuddle?" I asked, my lips inches away from his own.

"Uh huh," he said smiling.

"Meh, I don't feel like it," I teased, getting up and walking toward the door.

"Sam Evans! You get back here and cuddle with me," he ordered jokingly.

"No, no," I said airily as I reached for the door handle. "I think I'm hungry." Before I knew it, I felt Blaine jump on my back and wrap his arms around my chest piggy-back style.

"I have been…without my boyfriend…for two weeks," he said through gritted teeth and I lost my footing, scrambling backwards toward the bed. "Now get back here and cuddle!" he continued, finally falling onto the bed with me on top of him. I spun around and planted a huge kiss on his lips. He raised his eyebrows as we kissed and I could feel every inch of my skin in connection with his.

"Now _that _was a kiss," he said before grabbing my head and pulling me back down for more.

"I love being with you," I blurted out, not really thinking how weird it sounded outside of my own head. He stopped and raised an eyebrow.

"I love being with you," he said hesitantly.

"Okay, well…good," I replied dumbly.

"Perhaps we should say we're…_better together_?" he added with a cheesy grin.

"Did you _really _just use the title of the song?"

"Oh I did," he replied grinning.

"That's it," I said jokingly, shaking my head. "I'm leaving. Goodbye boyfriend," I said getting up.

"No!" Blaine exclaimed as he grabbed my hand and pulled me back onto him, kissing me again. I smiled through our kiss. I growled as I flipped over and pulled him on top of me, still grinning. It was great to be back.


	16. King of Anything

**Chapter 15 – King of Anything**

_("King of Anything" by Sara Bareilles)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

As I turned my day planner to the first day of March, I had to take a second to just breathe. I couldn't believe how fast two months had gone. It felt like just days ago I was singing for Blaine in my dorm. So much had happened since then. My life felt totally different. But I guess it all really started in February. It was during the Superbowl, so the first weekend of February. Blaine had invited me to his dorm where they were having a huge party. It was really the first time I would be hanging out with him outside of the small group of people who even knew we were friends. Most people just assumed he was tutoring me. Of course, nobody knew about what was _really_ going on. I can still vividly remember the moment he said it.

I was sitting on a big armchair and he was in the middle of a couch surrounded by two of his friends. A commercial came on and Brady Quinn stood on the TV screen shirtless. I can't even remember what he was promoting, but I remember what Blaine said. "Look at that sexy body. _ That's_ my dream guy." People laughed at him and Andrew Sawyer rolled his eyes.

"Count on Blaine to gay up the Superbowl." The laughter roared from his friends. I laughed with everyone else as Blaine tried to defend himself with a grin.

"But come on. Look at that body!" He glanced over at me and gave me a wink. I smiled back calmly, but inside I was freaking out. I thought about my own body as the game continued. It's not like I was fat at all. I had always been skinny, but when your boyfriend goes after the body of Brady Quinn, you start to feel like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. In that moment, I knew what girls meant when they got mad about guys making comments about their body. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't the girl in the relationship or anything like that, especially considering all the showtunes I had to listen to when I was with Blaine. Not that showtunes are girly or anything. Okay, I'm digging a hole. The point is, I knew if I wanted to impress Blaine and make him happy, I needed a better body. Being skinny wasn't going to cut it. I needed muscles. I needed brawn. I needed _abs_. And that's when I started a total transformation.

The next day I went to the gym on campus. It was a small gym, but it had everything I needed. Weights, machines, the works. And best of all it was open 24/7. After Blaine went back to his dorm each night, I would run over to the gym around midnight to work out. Nobody was ever there. Except for one night, but that's another story. So the workouts began. Two hours every day without fail. Even in the one month I'd been doing it, I already noticed my body taking shape. Around the same time the workouts started, the diet began too. I knew if I had any chance of being sexy I needed to get the right foods into me. No more deli, no more pizza, and worst of all, no more soda. I loved soda, but it had to go. For Blaine.

For as much as I wanted my body to be sexy for him, he really liked to push the sex thing. It's not that I didn't _want_ sex or anything, I mean I'm a guy. It's just that…well I don't really know what it was. But I wasn't ready. I could make out all night. Making out was so new to me that it was enough. Making out with Blaine was a new experience in itself. Feeling his body, feeling his lips meet mine, his teeth nibble on my earlobe, his breath on my neck. All of it felt amazing. But for Blaine, this was all kid stuff. Old school. He had already been with a guy and he wanted more. The more he let me know about it, which seemed like all the time, the more I hated him for it. It practically ruined Valentine's Day. We decided to stay low-key for Valentine's Day, staying in and Blaine introduced me to chess. I had never learned to play chess and that made for a fun night. But moving some rooks and knights around can only be interesting for so long until things get boring. So what are two boys supposed to do on a Valentine's Day when they're bored? Make out, obviously.

Ten minutes into it, chess pieces strewn across his bed, he said it. "Tonight's the night." His hazel eyes were close to my own and I propped up. He was laying on top of me and as I stared into his eyes, I felt the anger start to boil in that spot right above my stomach.

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to stay as calm as I could.

"It's Valentine's Day," he said with that cocky grin. "I just figured maybe we could –"

"Could what?" I asked, my face getting red. "Have sex?" He let out a sigh and rolled over next to me. "I already told you I'm not ready. What don't you get about that?"

"I just think if you tried it you would like it."

"I think I would like it too. But I want to like it when I'm ready for it. Not when you decide _you_ want it," I replied, heated and completely turned off. I sat up and threw my legs over the side of the bed reaching for my shoes.

"Where are you going?" he asked. "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pressure you."

"Yes you did," I said tucking my heel into my shoe. "If you didn't, you wouldn't have said anything," I answered getting up and grabbing my jacket off the back of his desk chair.

"Sam," he said dumbly, trying to get me to stay.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Blaine. I hope you feel good about yourself." I turned around and opened the door, slamming it behind me. The next day I woke up to a red envelope that had been slipped underneath my door. My name was scrawled across the front in black ink. It was definitely Blaine's handwriting. I opened it up to a card. On the front was a picture of a donkey with a sad face. I opened it up and read it.

_I'm sorry I acted like an ass. Please forgive me. _

_Love, Blaine. _

_PS – I'm truly sorry. I love you._

My face got stone cold as I pushed my hair out of my face. I decided as I took my shower that morning that I would just drop it. I had been harsh the night before, but I wasn't going to give in. I could let it go without giving into him, right?

But after that it didn't matter. Everything I used to love about Blaine annoyed the hell out of me. It's like in that movie _(500) Days of Summer_ when he looks at her and describes her in the best way and then twenty minutes later in the movie, it's the same shots, but he describes her "annoying smile" or whatever he says. That was Blaine. When he was tutoring me, I used to feel like he was so great. Calmly taking things slow so I would get it, understanding my problems. But now I just hated how he dumbed things down for me. It felt like he was teaching an autistic kid how to read instead of tutoring me. And when we were alone, I used to love all of his intimate kisses or the way he would hold my hand. Now I just felt smothered. Don't get me wrong. I knew how amazing it was to have Blaine at all. And it's not like I was ungrateful. But sometimes too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. Sometimes, less is more.

But there was something that had been tearing Blaine and me apart the most. More than the sex, more than the pretentious tutoring, more than the bickering. And that was my new friends. Remember when I mentioned how the gym was always empty? Well there was one night where I was in the middle of my workout and somebody walked in. It was Derrik McNamara. I knew him from my English class. He was really smart, you know that guy who always raises his hand to read out loud, or seems to give the best answers. He was also a top athlete. Not the captain of the football team, but definitely on the first string lineup. He nodded as he entered and I nodded back. To make a short story short, he noticed me using the ab crunch machine wrong and helped me out. One thing led to another, we began talking, and ended up actually becoming friends. It was right after Valentine's Day and in those two weeks I found myself hanging out with Derrik and his friends more. Some of them were the same ones who had made fun of me in the past, but it was whatever. They were being nice now and I was in no position to turn down friends. I was happy with my new friends. Blaine wasn't.

Writing in my day planner on that first day in March, I waited for Blaine to get to the auditorium for tutoring. I had no clue what was about to happen. Blaine stalked into the auditorium and threw his bag on the stage. "You okay?" I asked, watching him jump onto the stage.

"I'm fine."

"You don't seem fine," I said, giving him a concerned look. "What's going on?" I asked him, putting my hand on his. He looked up at me with an angry look on his face, like he was holding it all back. I flashed my emerald eyes back at him and squeezed his hand gently. His face relaxed and he gave a big sigh.

"Do you have to be friends with him?" he asked pitifully. My jaw got tight. This argument again.

"Why is this such a big deal to you?" I asked. "So I made some new friends. You were the one who wanted me to be more outgoing."

"But not him. He's using you."

"For what?" I asked him, my eyes peering into his. "I'm not much of someone who can be used. You have to be good at something."

"Okay, first, stop that. You know I hate it when you're passive-aggressive on yourself. And I don't know how. But I've been here longer than you have and I know Derrik. And he doesn't just become friends with someone for shits and giggles. Especially not someone like – " He stopped and realized what he was saying.

"Someone like what? Someone like me?" I asked, my jaw getting tighter. I took a deep breath. "Look, I can take care of myself. I don't need you to constantly be over my shoulder."

"I'm not."

"You are," I said, my face showing my anger. "I get it. I'm the kid you saved or whatever. But you can stop."

"Sam, this has nothing to do with that. I just know him. And whatever he's up to, it's not good. And I know you," he said as he grabbed my hand back. "Look at me." I glanced up at him and our eyes locked. "I know you Sam Evans. I know that your face gets red when you're angry or embarrassed or nervous. I know that you would lock yourself in a movie theater for the rest of your life if you could. I know that you would buy Chapstick by the truckload if they sold it in those kinds of quantities. And I know that if you keep this up with him, you're gonna get hurt."

"Can you just stop it?" I asked him finally getting fed up. "Look Blaine, I appreciate everything you've done. You've helped me out a lot and I'm grateful for that. But you can't keep treating me like the victim. You told me I can refuse to be the victim. Well I am. So stop treating me like one."

"I already told you this isn't about that. This is about me making sure you don't get into something you can't get out of," he said earnestly.

"This is about you keeping me for yourself," I said angrily. "You're just mad because I spend time with Derrik and the guys and that means less time for you."

"Okay Sam, if you honestly think that's what I'm worried about, then you're more clueless than I thought," he yelled back. He had finally lost his cool. "I came in here trying to fucking help you and you want to sit there and act like an asshole. Did it ever occur to you how hard it is for me to keep us a secret? How much I sacrifice to be with you? How much I fucking worry about you all the time?"

"So stop!" I yelled back. "Stop worrying. There's no one here to save! So stop trying to save me!" We both took deep breaths and stared each other down. In the past ten seconds we hadn't even realized we were both up on our feet.

"Fine," he said after what seemed like minutes. "Go figure it out yourself." He grabbed his bag and walked out the stage door.

"Fuck that," I thought aloud. "I don't need him." And I meant it. And if being around Derrik was going to be the thing that pissed him off, then that's exactly where I was going.


	17. Speechless

**Chapter 16 – Speechless**

_("Speechless" by Lady Gaga)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

"Alright guys, I'll see you later," I waved back to Derrik and two other guys as I walked from the math building onto the academic quad. As the other three turned the other way to grab a bite to eat, I saw Blaine walking out of the science building onto the quad. My heart warmed up and I smiled to him. The past two days were grating on my brain. I had gone back and forth whenever I thought about him. I knew what we had was incredible. He usually made me feel so good about myself. But then I'd think back to our argument in the auditorium and get so angry at him. He was upset about me having other friends and I couldn't figure out why. Derrik was a good guy. He took me under his wing, helped me make friends at the gym, and seemed to really _want _to hang out with me. I think I'd know it if someone was using me. And yet Blaine still objected the entire time. I spent the weekend hanging out with Derrik so it had been two days since I talked to Blaine. Part of me wanted to talk to him so bad. But another part of me felt really good I was holding out on him. I knew it must've been killing him not to hear from me.

He waved back and we met on the sidewalk and began walking toward the auditorium. "Hey," he said simply.

"Hi," I replied awkwardly. I tried to just keep things fresh and not rub it in his face that he just saw me being friendly with Derrik. "So I got my midterm grades back," I added as we walked.

"Yeah, I know," he said, his hands dug into his pockets.

"Oh right, academic file." He nodded. As we walked into the back door of the auditorium and through the wings onto the stage, Blaine seemed reserved. I could tell our weekend apart had definitely gotten to him. And as much as I didn't want to see him sad, it felt good to see that I meant that much to him.

"Well weren't you happy with my grades?" I asked. He looked up at me and gave me a calm and collected smile.

"Yeah," he said. "You've made a lot of progress. I was amazed you pulled off a B in English. That was amazing," he continued. "You've done a really good job," he said as he pulled a yellow sheet of paper from his bookbag.

"What's that?"

"Well, the good news is that your grades are all passing and above a C+ average," he said, giving a sigh as he sat down. I sat down next to him.

"Okay…what's the bad news?" I asked, waiting for the worst.

"This is your tutor release evaluation," he explained. "We need to fill it out."

"Release evaluation?" I asked, my eyebrows scrunching together.

"It means that the C.A.X. doesn't think you need a tutor anymore. So they're gonna drop you from the tutoring program." That news gave me the weirdest feeling. On one side I was so happy that my grades were going well, but I didn't want to lose Blaine as my tutor. With the way things were going, I felt like it was the only thing keeping him close.

"What? I…but, I need…I need you," I stuttered, sounding like I did back in November. "Just because I got a B doesn't mean I don't still need help." Now I looked like an idiot. Just minutes ago I thought I was tough shit making Blaine jealous. And now I was stuttering like a moron trying to keep him from doing this.

"Sam, my hands are tied. I don't get to make that decision," he replied with a stale tone. My face started to get red and it felt like I couldn't take in enough air when I breathed. It was that feeling I had when I first met Blaine, like I was going to…

No.

I stopped it instantly and felt the anger surge. "Well you seem just _fine_ with this."

"I can't argue right now, Sam," he said with a sigh. "I don't have the energy to keep arguing."

"We're not arguing!" I argued. "We're talking about how you want to drop me and I'm never going to see you anymore."

"Yes you are," he replied. "We still have nights. And all of our weekends too." He took a deep breath before adding, "Maybe some more time apart isn't the worst thing for us."

"What do you…I…what?" I asked, completely stunned by his attitude toward it all.

"We've been fighting a lot and frankly, you've been a real jerk in the past few weeks. Maybe a little more time apart will help us ride this out."

"So we're breaking up?" I shouted at him. I could feel the anger coursing through my body as he talked. My chest got tight as I breathed. My jaw clenched and I could feel my hands forming fists.

"No," he said quickly, in that sympathetic tone. "No, Sam, I _just _said it well help us ride this out." He stopped and took a breath before continuing, a little more sympathetically than before. "I still love you. I don't want to break up. But maybe you need room to breathe. I only think taking the time apart isn't a bad thing because it could save our relationship."

"You want to save us by pushing me away?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes."

"That's fucked up," I said, my blood pumping faster and faster. "Why should we pretend like this is ever going to work? Why waste time? Why not just break up now?"

"Is that really what you want?" he asked earnestly.

I stood there, a flood of emotions coming at me. Rage and anger and fear and guilt and sadness and relief and stress all at the same time. I tried to respond, to give some kind of logical answer. But I couldn't. I was speechless. For the first time in a long time, I was totally lost and had no clue what to do. He looked me dead in the eyes.

"Well, is it?"


	18. Over My Head

**Chapter 17 – Over My Head**

_("Over My Head (Cable Car)" by The Fray)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

"We need to take a breather," he finally said after my stunned silence. He handed me the yellow paper and we agreed to meet up the next day. My face was knotted up in the worst kind of contortions as I stopped myself from crying. I practically bolted out of the auditorium after he handed me the paper and walked across the street to Dalton Hall where my basement hideout was waiting for me. I hadn't visited it in a long time, but I knew it was the only place to go right now. As I walked and tried desperately not to cry, the lump in my throat grew bigger and the cold March air stung my eyes. The wind was whipping around and threw my hair all over the place. I threw the back door open and snuck down the staircase until I hit the off-white maintenance door that led to the basement.

Once I was there, it was the most surreal feeling in the world. The stress, the noise, the thoughts all went away. I stood with my back to the door and took a deep breath that seemed to fill the air. Looking around, I felt like everything was the same. In _The Curious Case of Benjamin Button_, Brad Pitt has this voice over and he talks about how coming home is weird because everything's the same and the thing that's changed is you. That easily summed up the feelings I had going into the basement. I hadn't been here since late November and yet it still felt so familiar. But _I _was the thing that felt out of place. The silence was deafening. As I walked into the back corner, I saw the old comfy couch, the chair I always threw my bag on. I saw the wall I had punched the day Blaine told me he would be my tutor. I gulped as I put my bag on the chair and sat awkwardly on the couch. Once I sat though, I was instantly absorbed by the oversized cushions that seemed to mold themselves to your body. My mind went numb and I instantly felt like an emotionless zombie. Finally, I laid my head down on the couch and pulled my legs up and within a few seconds of staring across the room, I was fast asleep.

I felt it immediately. The nudge on my shoulder. My eyes shot open and my entire body was alert. I suddenly kicked up and was sitting on the couch facing Mason, one of Derrik's friends. "Sam?" I looked around and got my bearings. I was dreaming I was in my room. The ceiling was slowly closing in on the room, only an inch a minute. And I couldn't figure out the math to see how long I had to get out of the room. When Mason woke me up, I expected to be in my room and had totally forgotten about my trip to the basement hideout. "Why are you down here?"

"I should ask you the same thing," I said groggily, trying to fix my blonde hair which was stuck out all over the place as usual.

"You weren't gonna share your little clubhouse?" I heard a voice say behind me. My head jolted to the side and I saw Sean, another friend of Derrik's tossing a hackeysack to a guy from my history class, Cole. Derrik stood with his back against the door and looked over at me. "I mean, come on, this place seems pretty cool. I'm surprised you had the smarts to find it."

I rubbed my eyes and looked over at him with my jaw tightening. "What's that supposed to mean?" Sean snickered and Derrik sat down on the back of the couch. Instantly I felt violated. This was my space, the space I used to get away when I couldn't handle shit. And suddenly Derrik, Sean, Mason, and Cole had infiltrated it. Even Blaine didn't follow me down here. They all looked so casual too. Like it was their own room or something.

"We're going swimming. Wanna come?" asked Derrik. "I convinced Coach to keep the pool open longer for us tonight. He said as long as we shut everything off and lock up, we're good."

"It's kinda cold," I said, still waking up. I glanced down at my phone to check the time. 10:35. Holy Shit. I had slept for over five hours.

"Fine, stay here and be a loser by yourself," said Sean standing up. "Let's go guys."

"Hold on, hold on," Derrik said. "Let's give Sam a chance to wake up and think it over. He hasn't even said no." Derrik stared at me. I really _didn't_ want to go swimming. At the same time, I always had fun with them and I knew it would piss Blaine off too. My conscious caught up with me and I shook myself out of being a jerk to Blaine.

"I don't have a suit," I said truthfully. Unless you were on the team, there was no use bringing your suit. And I had only just started going to the gym, much less going to swim.

"That's cool, I'm just going in my boxers," Mason said. "We're all guys," he laughed. "Nobody cares." Hearing him say that was a relief. If they didn't care, they definitely didn't have a clue about me and Blaine. I took a sigh. Blaine and I were on the rocks as it was, so there was no point in alienating myself from another group of people.

"Alright," I said with a smile, throwing my hands up next to me. "Why not? Let's go."

"Sweet, come on," Derrik said. I grabbed my bookbag and followed them out of the main hall. The gym was behind the end zone of the football field across the street. As we walked up the sidewalk, Sean and Cole continued to play hackeysack the entire way. It felt good to be part of a group of friends. People to shoot the shit with. Blaine was great, but it's a different dynamic. This was _fun_. It's how I imagined high school should be. As we walked into the gym, the hallway was pitch black except for a few scattered lights. The doors on the left led to the basketball court. The doors to the right led into the pool. The door farthest from the main entrance was lit up and it led to the guys locker room. I walked in and my eyes had to adjust to the bright light bouncing off the white floor and walls. I followed Cole through the locker room and into the main pool area. The guys began throwing their shoes on the bleachers and I threw my bag down next to their stuff.

Now, being into guys and being in a locker room or whatever is a tough situation. It's like, you don't want to look at the other guys because they might find out about you. But part of you can't help but look. Usually in gym class, I just keep my head down and get out of there as soon as possible. But when all the other guys are messing around and you're the only one being uptight, it's kinda hard to keep a low profile. Like I said, not an easy line to follow. You can never be too careful. Not to mention, it's just flat out awkward. As the other four began throwing their clothes onto the bleachers, Sean was the first one in, jumping into the water wearing his forest green boxers.

"Come on faggots, get in here," he said nonchalantly after surfacing. The word cut into me and made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

"Who are you calling a faggot?" Derrik retorted, jumping in next to him before dunking his head under the water. I threw my uniform pants aside and went over the edge before pencil diving in. The water was very warm and woke me up instantly as it rushed over my head. I felt my feet hit the bottom of the seven foot deep section and before long, I surfaced. As I took a deep breath, I noticed the smell for the first time. That clean chlorine smell. I liked it.

"Come on, diving contest," Derrik said, jumping out of the water. He pulled himself over the ledge and walked to the diving board, pulling at his grey boxers. They stuck to him and he looked like – stop. Not Derrik. I didn't even want to let myself think about it. Derrik did a backflip off of the diving board before splashing into the pool.  
"Ten out of ten," Mason said before climbing up the ladder and doing a normal dive into the deep end. As he came out of the water, Sean snickered at him.

"Eight for execution, two for originality," he said before watching Cole pull himself out of the water. Cole gave us a nice front flip before coming to the surface. "Alright Sam, your turn," Sean said.

"No, you can go," I declined nervously. I didn't want to make an ass out of myself. I guess I could always just opt for the normal dive. But Sean had already been an asshole to Mason about it.

"Just go," Sean said nastily. Here's the thing about Sean. He's hot, like really hot. He's about my height, dark hair, brown eyes. And built like a champ. But he's a total asshole. In the past month, I still hadn't gotten used to it. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. "We'll go together," he said, grabbing the ladder next to him and climbing out. I pulled myself out of the pool and walked behind him to the diving board. He stopped before stepping onto it and turned around. I looked at him dumbly before he waved his hand out. "After you, Princess." I gave him a look.

"Don't call me Princess," I said before stepping onto the board. I stood there shaking in my skin, not sure what to do. It had only been a second, but I noticed Derrik nod to me. Or maybe behind me. I didn't have time to think about it before Sean pulled my arms behind me and pinned them back, lifting me up so my legs kicked into the air.

"What the fuck," I breathed, taken by surprise. I thought he was gonna throw me in, but he kept backing up toward a door off to the right. "Get the fuck off me!" I yelled, kicking my legs back at him. But it wasn't doing anything. Derrik, Mason, and Cole shot out of the pool and opened the door up that led to the alley behind the gym.

"Come on dumbass," Sean said, stepping outside backwards. The cold March air hit me hard and my entire body was shocked from the temperature change. Cole grabbed my legs and held them steady, but my arms were already getting sore from being held back and lifted up by them.

"I'm dead _fucking_ serious," I said, screaming as loud as I could. "This isn't funny assholes!" I looked to the side where Derrik opened the top of a dumpster and cocked his head back.

"Throw him in," he said.

"No! No!" I yelled repeatedly, kicking and screaming, fighting back as best as I could. "Get the fuck off of me. I'm gonna get hurt!" But nothing stopped them as Cole threw my legs onto the ledge and helped Sean throw me forward into the dumpster. I teetered for a second, stuck between not wanting to fall forward into the dumpster, but also not wanting to fall back and hit my head. Before it mattered, Sean punched the back of my head and I fell forward. Seeing stars, I landed in a mound of garbage bags and cardboard that smelled awful. The only dumpsters they really changed out regularly were the ones by the dining hall. That garbage had to be weeks old. I reached up to climb out but before I could I saw Derrik's face as he smiled and slammed the top of it shut. I heard a click and could only assume that was a lock. Anger isn't a strong enough word to describe what I felt. I was livid. I was beyond that. I could feel the blood rushing to my face as the fury built up inside of me.

"Let me out!" I yelled, furiously beating against the side of the dumpster. I yelled so angrily that it actually hurt my throat. I coughed and kept banging my fists against the side of the dumpster. The smell of it all was overpowering me and that was the worst. I think I could've dealt with being locked in an empty dumpster, but this was just disgusting. I heard them laughing on the other side and that only made me angrier. I yelled and screamed as loud as I could, but nothing was going to stop them. I heard the gym door shut and everything was silent. I began shivering as the cold got to me, only dressed in my navy blue boxers and soaking wet from head to toe.

The side door. These things had a side door. I ran my hands along the short side of the dumpster, but there was no door where it should've been. Looking across, I thought about the other side. I climbed through the garbage bags to the opposite side before feeling my way around to find the door. I felt the latch and my heart jumped. Fuck them. I was getting out of here. I grabbed the latch and pushed the door out. It only opened about two inches before I heard it bang. It was too close to the next dumpster. My stomach dropped before that fury came back. "Fuck!" I screamed, over and over, banging the door against the other dumpster again and again. My hand hurt from the force of my pounding, and I sat against the side of the dumpster, still shivering from the cold.

I was gonna die out here. I knew it. I was _actually_ going to freeze to death before anyone found me. Suddenly I heard footsteps. I perked up and began climbing across the trash to bang on the side. "Hey!" I yelled. "Hey! Help me! Help me!" I screamed, pounding on the side. Without warning I heard a click and the top opened before Derrik pushed me back into the trash.

"Here's your shit," he said, as Sean stood up next to him and dumped everything in my bag into the garbage pile. My books, my iPod, pens, everything was lost in the dumpster. I saw the watch I kept in my bag tumble into the trash. I tried again to rush them, but they had the higher position. Derrik just kept pushing me back down.

"Cole actually needs a new uniform anyway and yours fits," said Sean. "But he said you can keep the tie and your shoes," he added, throwing them in. "Oh and your wallet," he said chucking it at my face. I ducked and it rolled off my back.

"Guys stop!" I pleaded. "I'm going to freeze to death. Just please stop!" I continued, begging through my shivers. Sean laughed out loud.

"You're in a dumpster filled with trash. Cover yourself up, faggot," he said before slamming the top shut and clicking the lock shut. I was fucked and I knew it. And he called me a faggot. He knew about me. He had to have known. I moved toward my stuff and saw my iPod lit up from the fall. With the light, I began searching for the rest of my stuff, putting them in my bag. I still never found some stuff, but the important things were there. I searched for my cell phone but couldn't find it. My wallet was empty. Those fuckers took all of my money. Instantly, I felt tired and didn't know why. I didn't want to fall asleep. If I fell asleep I was going to freeze. I had to get out. I moved over to the partially opened side door with my bag and began banging it against the other dumpster, trying to make as much noise as possible.

Soon the cold got to me and I finally took Sean's advice and pulled a big garbage bag over me, trying to cover up with it. In seconds, I felt something wet running down my leg and onto my boxers. I took out my iPod and looked. Sticky old soda stained my leg from a hole in the bag. That's when I knew it was over. I got that feeling in my mouth and lurched forward, crawling over the piles before vomiting all over the bags. I wiped my mouth. It could not possibly get worse than this. I began bawling as I moved back over to the end of the dumpster and felt my eyelids getting heavier. I wasn't going to fall asleep. The tears came rolling down and I didn't even care. I was going to die. It didn't matter if I cried anymore. As I bawled, I felt the entire world falling off of my shoulders. It was the kind of crying that gave me an immense amount of relief. Before long, I had cried myself out of tears. Looking around, I saw a cardboard box folding up off to the side and pulled it over to me, shielding my body from the cold as best as I could. I kept beating the door, but soon, I was asleep and I didn't even notice it.

I shot awake when I finally came around and realized I had fallen asleep. I didn't even dream. When I looked at my watch I saw it was five in the morning. I had been asleep for so long and I didn't even realize it. And I survived the night. I felt instantly awake, but so raw. I began banging the door open lazily as I sat against the side. As I banged away hoping for someone to come along, I started to think about everything.

I had fallen for it. The whole thing. Blaine even fucking warned me and I still fell for it. He was right and I treated him like such shit. And on top of that, Sean knew about me. He called me a faggot. I began thinking over the last five months. What the hell was I thinking? Getting involved with Blaine, getting attached, hanging out with Derrik and the guys, letting them use me like that. I had fucked up big time. I was in way over my head. My muscles ached from trying to avoid falling deeper into the garbage. I can't believe the risks I took with Blaine. Kissing him on the quad, inviting him over every night, spending Valentine's Day with him. Glancing at my clock, I took a deep breath. 5:32. I was stupid. This should've never happened. I leaned my head against the side and noticed my hair get sticky. I pulled my head off the side and there was something gross stuck in my hair. My body began shaking in disgust and before I could help it, I yelled out as loud as I could, "Fuck!" My voice made a squealing sound, kind of like when a thirteen year old boy screams and his voice is changing. My throat hurt but that's when I heard it. A man's voice.

"Did you hear that?" it asked, muffled. I shot up.

"No," responded a girl. Footsteps began running closer. I instantly began banging as loud as I could with the door and screaming. Yelling as loud as possible, making as much noise as I could. It wasn't even words. I heard them get closer. They heard me.

"Help me please!" I screamed.

"Holy shit! Is there someone in there?" they asked.

"No fuck there's someone in here!" I yelled back. Looking back, it was probably more out of disbelief that they asked rather than actually wondering. "Please help me."

"It's locked," the man said pulling the lock. "Stay here, I'm gonna go find help." The woman came to the side of the dumpster and I could see her face through the small opening. She looked like an angel, my savior.

"Are you okay?" she asked, seeing me. Her cool blue eyes were so welcoming and her long blonde hair was pushing back behind a sweat band. I put my hand out through the opening and was shivering, half in excitement, half in cold.

"Thank you so much," I said, tears of relief welling up in my eyes. She grabbed my hand and held it tight in her own.

"It's gonna be okay," she said, squeezing my hands tight. "Are you naked?" she asked wide eyed. I nodded.

"They left me in my boxers," I told her, barely getting the words out.

"How long have you been here?" she asked in a panic before taking the oversized hoodie she had tied around her waist and sliding it into my hands.

"All night," I replied. "Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh God, thank you," I repeated, throwing the hoodie over me. It was tight and way too small, but it was warm. She grabbed my hand again through the opening and I swear I was looking at an angel. There were no other words.

"We're gonna get you out of there," she said, trying to stay calm. But I could still hear the panic in her voice. "You're gonna be just fine," she repeated. "I promise." I nodded and closed my eyes, finally relieved it was over.


	19. Gone

**Chapter 18 – Gone**

_("Gone" by Ian Axel)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

Within minutes, I heard the fire truck sirens getting closer. My heart sank. It was nearly six in the morning when the early risers would start heading to the dining hall for breakfast. Why did they call the fire department? Just break the damn lock. Instead, they had to make it a big show. A few minutes later, I was pulled out of the dumpster by a fireman and a huge blanket was thrown over my freezing cold body, sending warmth over my skin. Looking around, it was a crowd. The maintenance workers, dean of students, even the headmaster was watching as I stepped onto the ground. By the look on their faces, along with the twenty or so students who watched from across the street, I could tell I was in bad shape. An ambulance was waiting and I was ushered into it. As they slid me onto the gurney, I caught myself in a mirror. My pink lips had turned to a blue-purple and my face was as pale as a ghost. It made the color of my hair and eyes stick out even more. Around my eyes, the skin had turned pink from me rubbing at them and my hair was in worse shape than I had ever seen it.

Inside the ambulance, I was monitored and treated for mild hypothermia, but they said if it had been ten degrees colder, I would've been in a lot more trouble. Finally, around 7:30 I was released to go, but the headmaster quickly intercepted them and brought me to his office. I was wearing the grey sweatpants and sweatshirt the EMTs gave me to stay warm, along with the shoes that had been left in the dumpster. As I sat down in the headmaster's office, I should've known that, like everything else at Dalton, this would be handled poorly. I sat down at a large table across from the headmaster, dean, and two police officers. To make a long story short, they wanted to know what happened. Who did this, how it happened, everything. All _I_ wanted was a hot shower. I asked if I could just leave and come back later, but they weren't having it. So I told them what had happened. And I named every single one of them. Derrik, Sean, Cole, and Mason. People probably thought I was a snitch, but I didn't care. I wouldn't have to deal with the consequences. Not after my decision.

I told them everything that happened, from meeting Derrik in the gym to hanging out with them to the late night swim session, all the way through being found by those runners. I never did get to thank them. Finally, the police thanked me and the headmaster kept me. He told me about their plans to hold a meeting that morning with school officials and blah blah blah. All I wanted was to get cleaned up. My skin had that feeling of clamminess, like a frog. It wasn't cold anymore so much as just gross. Maybe he didn't realize it, but I had literally spent the night in a trash dump and still hadn't showered. He had to have smelled it at the very least. Finally, at 8:30, I was allowed to go.

I walked across campus to my dorm, thankful that all the students were in class so no one could see me. I didn't even get into my room before I pulled the dirty sweatpants and sweatshirt off of me. I stepped out of my shoes and felt the cold linoleum floor against my bare feet. As I got into my room, I didn't touch anything except my shower case and towel and walked out of my bedroom, picking up the clothes and throwing them into the trashcan across the hall. I walked to the bathroom in nothing but my boxers and when I got there, slipped out of those too. I threw them away before mechanically turning on the shower and stepped inside, pulling the curtain shut. I felt more raw than I had ever felt in my life. Like the flesh on my body wasn't my own and was just hanging off of me in pieces. Once the hot water hit my skin, it was like heaven. My eyelids got heavy again and I sat down on the floor of the shower. Looking back, that might've been nastier than the dumpster, but at the time it didn't matter. The water rushed over my head and I could feel the grime falling out of my hair, onto my shoulders, and down my body until it hit the drain. I sat there and thought for a long time. It must've been an hour until I finally stood up, got some soap and really washed off.

I was finally in my room in clean clothes, feeling warm and just…_clean_. Something I had always taken for granted. I heard the knock at the door. I knew it wasn't going to be any of the guys from last night. The headmaster had told me that I wouldn't have to worry about that. I knew who I wanted to be on the other side of that door. The only person I would've even cared to talk to. When I opened the door, I was met by another face. It was the dean. He handed me my phone that they had found on Cole and a yellow envelope with the papers I needed to fill out. I thanked him and moved back to my desk. Outwardly, I was warm, I was clean, and I was feeling good. Inside though, I was a hollow shell. My emotions were spent and even though I felt that familiar feeling of dread hanging over me, I knew I couldn't do anything to release them. I called my parents and my mom picked up. She told me the headmaster had already called them and explained everything. We talked for about fifteen minutes before I hung up and continued filling out the packet of papers the dean had given me. It wasn't until about noon or so that I heard another knock at the door. At this point, I didn't care who wanted to talk to me. I just wanted to be left alone. For good. Nobody should've had to deal with this. I stood up, debating whether or not to answer the door. I could just fake it and pretend not to be home, like you did when Bible salesmen came to share the good news. I faked it. Another knock and I sat quietly on my bed, trying not to make noise.

"Sam?" a voice came through the door. My heart sunk. It was Blaine. "Sam, are you in there?" he asked. My emotionless shell instantly filled up. I looked at the door, struck with sadness and fear. I didn't think I could handle Blaine coming in. I looked up to see the door was unlocked. _Please go away. Please go away. _"Sam, please let me in." Tears welled up in my eyes as I dropped my head and looked at my lap. _Please go away, _I thought desperately, my eyes shut tight.I heard the door creak as he slowly opened it. "Sam?" I looked up, holding my jaw tight, keeping my tears back. He shut the door behind him slowly and locked it. Turning around, he saw me and gave me that look. That same look he gave me the day he became my tutor. Absolute pity. And I hated that look. I hated the way it made me feel. Like I was totally powerless in my life. He moved closer and a lot of things happened at once.

In one motion he managed to sit down next to me and wrap his right arm behind my shoulders. At the same time, I lost it. He got so close and his smell, his love, his presence, all of it washed over me. I instantly fell into the crook of his left arm and he wrapped it around my neck, his left hand landing gently on the back of my neck. I bawled into his arm, clenching the sleeve on his forearm. The whole world slammed into me and Blaine was there, again, to witness it. He rocked back and forth as I cried and kissed the top of my head. "It's okay," he said gently, rocking me back and forth, back and forth. We must've been there for at least ten minutes. Even after I stopped crying, I didn't want Blaine to let go. I just felt comfortable with him. _Too_ comfortable. After what seemed like forever, I pulled away from him slowly and wiped my eyes and nose on my sleeve.

"I heard what happened this morning," he said softly, putting his palm up to my cheek.

"Do you want to say 'told you so'?" I asked stupidly, sniffling like an idiot. He shook his head.

"No," he said earnestly, with a tone that said _how could you even think that?_ I looked up at him, our eyes meeting for the thousandth time. My eyes felt lifeless after I cried, but Blaine's were alive and expressive. "This isn't your fault. It's mine."

"You let them find out about us?" I asked, not surprised at all.

"What?" he said. We definitely weren't on the same page. I tried to explain myself.

"They know I'm gay. That's why they did it Blaine," I said simply. "They called me a faggot and threw me in."

"No, no, no. Sam, you've got it all wrong. It's not because you're gay."

"Yeah right." I saw Blaine crouch down in front of me. He put his hand on my head, lifting my chin.

"Look at me Sam. This has nothing to do with you being gay. Don't you think that for one second. This is about you trying to claw your way up the social ladder. And Derrik knew it and he was gonna bring you down a peg." I didn't believe him. Blaine was too nice to think someone could hurt you for being gay. But he was wrong. It had everything to do with why I was thrown in there.

"How do you know all of this?" I asked. Blaine took a deep breath and his head slumped. I got worried. "Blaine, how did you know this?" I repeated.

"I knew it was going to happen," he said, looking up at me. There was definite pain in my eyes, but it was nothing compared to the pain I felt inside of me.

"You _what_?" I asked desperately.

"I'm so sorry Sam. I knew they were gonna rough you up, but I had no clue they were going to go so far. I just thought they were gonna play a quick prank and be done. And you had been such a jerk when I warned you about hanging out with them. So when I overheard Derrik talking in the library, I didn't tell you because I thought maybe it would show you how they were."

"Blaine! How could you not tell me?" I asked in shock, tears coming back to my eyes.

"Sam, you have no idea how bad I feel about it. I feel awful. I just didn't know how bad they were going to get. If I could go back and change it, I would." He began crying too. I had only seen Blaine cry a handful of times. Maybe twice.

"Blaine, I…I don't even know what to say."

"I'm so sorry. I don't know why I didn't think they would get out of hand."

"I don't even care," I said, the initial shock wearing off. "I'm not even mad."

"Please be mad," he replied.

"Why?"

"Because it means you still care about me." I didn't know what to say. I closed my mouth, unable to come back with anything. "Look, things are gonna get better. They're calling an assembly this afternoon and I heard a rumor they're introducing a zero tolerance bullying policy."

"They couldn't have introduced that yesterday?" I asked sarcastically.

"Sam! You're missing the point. Yes, I'm an asshole for not telling you. And what happened to you was unacceptable. But you're bringing changes. You're able to challenge everybody's thinking around here. Do you realize how amazing that is?" I looked up and knew Blaine was trying his best to make me feel better. Convince me that good was going to come out of this. I took a deep breath and mustered up a small, fake smile.

"You're right." I nodded. Blaine smiled. "And look, I'm not mad you didn't tell me. Besides, I probably wouldn't have even listened to you anyways." Blaine came at me and gave me the biggest hug. I scrunched my eyes shut and swallowed the lump in my throat. I couldn't show him that kind of emotion again. But what I was doing killed me.

"I love you, Sam," he said as he hugged me. That just made it worse.

"Look Blaine, I just need to sleep for a little bit. Can I have a few hours by myself?" I asked calmly, my arms falling to my side. He nodded.

"Sure, whatever you need. I'll come back later tonight."

"Okay," I said, holding the lump in my throat down. He smiled, gave me another hug, and backed away toward the door.

"Alright, well uh, get some sleep and I'll talk to you soon." I nodded. "Sam," he said, staring into my eyes. "Thank you." I nodded again in reply. He shut the door and I thought I was going to throw up. I let out a big breath and threw my head into my hands. I knew I was going to hurt him, but I couldn't stop it. I was so far in over my head, I needed to let it go. I needed major changes. I needed to be gone.

I wiped my eyes and got up, trying my best to control my breathing. My parents were on their way and I would be gone before dinner. But as I packed my things, I knew it was best not to tell Blaine I was leaving. I had to change my phone number and email. I made sure to put in a request to not share my new address in the release papers the dean gave me. I had to end all of my ties to Dalton, including Blaine. And I had to end this thing I had with guys. If I wanted my life to be what it needed to be, it all had to go.

Once everything was packed up, I waited for my mom to get there. I looked around my empty room and took a deep breath. I didn't know what to expect for my future, but I knew one thing: I would never see Blaine or Dalton Academy ever again. But I doubted anyone would even know I was gone.


	20. Shattered

**Chapter 19 – Shattered**

_("Shattered" by O.A.R)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

The next few months flew by for me. At first, it was hard, making the adjustment to move home. But I knew it would be for the best in the end. I mean, this was my life I was talking about. I knew I needed to get a grip and pull my shit together. As I woke up for my first day at my new school, I felt a new confidence. It had been six months since I left Dalton and I wasn't going to go back to who I was. I already knew I had a role to play. I could either be the hot new kid or the weird new kid. That's a no brainer. Before I walked into school, I had it all figured out. I was going to go in, find the hottest girl in school, and make sure we launched our way to the top. I was gonna go out for quarterback, lead the football team to a victory, and secure my place at the top of the totem pole. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it.

I took my time getting ready that morning. My mom always said first impressions made a huge difference. After a long shower, I paid close attention to the clothes I picked out finally settling for the jeans and t shirt look with an old blue and yellow letterman jacket I found in a thrift store. With a final flick of my blonde bangs, I looked back at my face in the mirror. It had been almost a year since I was in this exact place, looking at my face in the mirror. Trying to say those three words I couldn't bear to speak out loud. So much had happened since then. Saying those words, going on dates with Blaine, basically living with him, and then…well, leaving him.

When I thought about it, my stomach still lurched. I guess that was my way of knowing I was straight. Even as I thought that, the stupid voice in the back of my head tried to tell me it wasn't that easy. I knew better. "You got this, Sam," I said out loud to myself before giving a small grin and turning around. It felt pretty good to get a new start, to pull all of this off at my new school, McKinley High. But that voice still came back to me. What if this didn't work out? How many times can you go through this before you just shatter into pieces? How much can you survive until you give up? Stop it. Not now. Besides, like Oprah says, positive thinking is the best way to success. As I picked up my bookbag, I thought twice. Maybe quoting Oprah _wouldn't _make the first impression I was aiming for.

On the way to school, I went over my notes in my head. Yeah, notes. See, when I registered for classes in the summer, I was in the school office waiting for Miss Pillsbury to help me out with registration. In the waiting room, they had the previous year's yearbook on the table. Looking through it, I quickly realized this book had everything I needed. Who was the best of the best at this school, the nerds from the AV club, and everyone in between. The thing that surprised me most was the way the glee club was portrayed. Someone scribbled out the title "New Directions" on the top of the page before writing under it "Nude Erections" and marking up the faces of the members. At Dalton, the Warblers are the kings. Here, not so much. As I drove, one thing still took its toll on my mind. His name was Finn Hudson. I had noticed him on the football page first. He was the quarterback on the team. But then I noticed him again on the glee club page with a Frankenstein head drawn above his own. He was the awkward link between the two. I had to figure that out. I don't know what it was, but it seemed important. As I pulled into the parking lot that morning, I took a deep breath. This was it. The chance to rebuild after a disastrous twelve months. I was ready to go in there and rise to the top. This was a new life for me and I wasn't going to throw it away.

By the time I got lunch, things changed a little. The morning was fine and I already made a friend in fourth period to eat lunch with. As we sat outside in the courtyard and ate, I heard it. Music began to play out of nowhere and then they came. I quickly learned from the snickers and way everyone was ignoring them, it was the glee club. It was a bunch of white kids and one sassy black girl wearing jeans and those New York City t-shirts you get in souvenir stores. They were singing Jay-Z. In the middle of Ohio. Let's just say it made everyone feel whiter. Nobody was really paying attention at first, but then I saw him. Finn Hudson, wearing these black sunglasses, dancing around the courtyard, that is, if you can call what he was doing dancing. My stomach lurched again as I thought he caught my eye, but I didn't want to risk anything, so I turned around, tugging on the collar of my yellow and blue letterman jacket. Seriously, how many times was I going to keep chipping away at myself until I shattered? I had to stop it.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. I survived and was easily figuring out this school. Things were cut and dry here. Jocks and cheerleaders ruled the place, glee club sucked, and you made sure to keep your business away from the loud ginger with the Jew fro. When I got home, I threw off my jacket, taking a deep breath. I had survived. Sometimes, I thought I made such a big deal out of things and in the end it turned out to be nothing. It was like that now with my first day back in school. Maybe high school was a jungle in _Mean Girls, _but in real life, it wasn't so bad. At least at McKinley it wasn't. I guess the anonymity wasn't a bad thing either. Life is easier when people don't notice you're there. It was the golden rule of living in my house, and it looked like it would be that way at school too.

When I laid in bed that night, I couldn't get the face out of my head. His hazel eyes and dark hair. His smile. His smell came back to me. The way his hand felt in mine. I had tried hard for the past several months to stop thinking about Blaine, but a lot of times it was damn near impossible. I couldn't get how something I was trying so hard to forget, to erase, couldn't leave me alone. Sometimes I'd think of Blaine, back at Dalton, devastated that I left the way I did. My stomach would drop when I thought this, but then I reminded myself how much I needed to leave. I would've been roped back in if I didn't leave without a goodbye. I still was cringing as I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I wasn't in my bedroom. I was in the middle of a street. The flashing red and blue lights from a police cruiser lit up the pavement and there was a freezing cold breeze grazing my face. I saw it ahead of me. Two cars smashed together. A big van and a dark green car. The ambulance was next to the scene and they were pulling a teenager's limp body from the car. Above them a traffic light switched quietly from red to green to yellow and back to red. The whole scene was so quiet, so still, but I could sense the intensity. And the devastation of it all.

"You're here."

I jumped at the sound of the voice behind me. When I turned around, my heart jumped. A ten year old boy looked back at me with hazel eyes. The dark hair was pushed back to reveal a cut on his head, right at the hairline. It was bleeding, sending a red streak down the side of his face. It was Blaine. My heart sunk as I turned back around at what was going on under the traffic light. Suddenly, and with dread in my stomach, I realized where I was. I was at his brother's death.

"Don't leave," the boy said, taking my hand. "Don't leave me again. I need you." I knelt down and the boy hugged me, clasping his hands around my shoulders and neck. He rested his head on my shoulder and I hugged him back hesitantly. "Don't leave me," he repeated. He kept a tight grip on me as I heard the ambulance doors slam shut.

Instantly I shot up in my bed, the darkness of my room covering me. I was sweating heavily and couldn't catch my breath, my eyes crying tears I had held back for so long. I realized I was awake now and saw the alarm clock next to my bed flash the late time. It all felt so real. The wind, the boy hugging me, even the pavement. It was like I had been transported in my sleep to somewhere so real. It took a while for me to calm down, and even when I did, I still couldn't fall asleep. The next morning as I threw on my blue and yellow hoodie, the last thing I was thinking about was school.

It wasn't until half way through the day that I was reminded of where I was or who was with me. I was at my locker, my mind still on the dream from the night before. _Don't leave me again. I need you. _Blaine's words were echoing in my head all morning. From down the hall, I heard him.

"Hey, Sam!" he said. It was Finn Hudson, the quarterback/glee club star. And he was pushing a dude in a wheelchair. "My name's Finn," he continued. "This here's Artie."

"Yeah, I uh, I know who you are. You're the uh, the quarterback," I said, putting on a smile and leaving any thoughts of my dream behind.

"Exactly," he replied. "Which makes me very cool." I almost laughed out loud. Was he trying to impress me or was he actually that cocky? "And we'd like to talk to you about glee club." I gave him another smile. Not exactly the in I was looking for, but I'll go for it.

"Alright, let's hear it," I said. But hearing about the glee club reminded me of Blaine back at Dalton and as Finn and Artie began their introduction into why I should join, I kept thinking in the back of my head how fragile I still was. The dreams, the thoughts, the mention of a glee club that all sent my thoughts reeling back to Blaine. It was only a matter of time before I shattered.


	21. The Beautiful Letdown

**Chapter 20 – The Beautiful Letdown**

_("The Beautiful Letdown" by Switchfoot)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

I was skeptical when Finn and Artie tried to get me to come try out for the glee club, but in the end, I decided to go with them. Okay, I get it. I was trying to restart and make my way to the top of this place and my plan was to try out for the _glee club_? I know it sounds crazy, but the main thing I thought about was Finn. There was something about him. The fact that he could walk the fine line of both glee club and the football team amazed me. He had connections in both worlds and right now, that's exactly what I needed.

When we got to the rehearsal room, Finn sat next to an Asian guy in a purple striped shirt named Mike and a guy who kinda looked like a badass who everyone called Puck. Artie wheeled in right next to Finn and they motioned for me to stand in front of the piano. "So Sam, tell us about yourself," said Finn in a chill attitude. I looked at the Frankenteen with his three friends and jumped right into it, trying my best to act unfazed by everything going on. This was the leap I needed to take.

"My name's Sam Evans." Truth. "I like comic books, sports," Half life. "I'm dyslexic so my grades aren't that good, but I'm working on it." Truth.

"Dude your mouth is huge," Puck interrupted, staring at my mouth like it was some kind of weird animal in a zoo. "How many tennis balls can you fit in there?"

"I don't know," I said with a weird moment of quit wit. "I've never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?" I asked, throwing it right back at him. He gave me a small smile before Finn leaned over to Artie and whispered something. I couldn't hear what he said, but he was smiling, so I guess that's a good sign.

"So can you sing with that big mouth?" Puck asked as we began playing a game of tennis with our comebacks and sarcasm.

"I've, uh, never really sung in front of anybody before," I responded. Another lie.

"Dude, let me tell ya. Chicks _dig _singers," he said, getting up and walking across the room to pick up a guitar.

"Well, give it a shot," Finn said encouragingly as he handed me a dark wood guitar. "We'll back you up, I promise. What song you got in your back pocket?" he asked. He was so easy about it all, so calm. It had been a long time since I met someone so comfortable with themselves. It helped me keep my nerves in check. The way Finn seemed so relaxed and open, like he wouldn't judge me.

"Um…" I said, thinking on my feet. "Billionaire?" I threw out. I had been working on the Travie McCoy song over the summer in my room and had it down. Before I could bother to hesitate or back out, I began singing. Before I knew it, we were in an all out rock concert. It wasn't like singing in my bedroom by myself. Puck had backed me up on guitar and Finn was jamming on the drums. Not to mention the sick moves the Asian kid was pulling off and the killer rapping from Artie. As we sang, I couldn't help but get drawn into how much fun it was. How freeing it was to just jam out like that. As the last chord strung, I looked over to Finn and smiled. "That was really cool," I said, laughing out loud.

"Nice. So you think you can come back and do that in front of everybody?" he asked, looking up at me. I mean, come on, I just had one of the best times in a long while and everyone seemed impressed with my talent. A talent I kept hidden away for so long. But I knew if I was gonna lead this school, rule it, I'd need a no holds barred attitude. I had nothing to lose.

"Sure," I accepted.

The next afternoon I saw Finn get cut from the football team during tryouts. I thought about trying to jump in and talk to the Coach Beiste, but after seeing him get yelled out of the locker room, I didn't want to take any chances. If this she-man beast was going to be what made me or broke me in this school, I was gonna do whatever I could to protect myself. Call it being an asshole, call it instinct, I don't care. I couldn't afford to crash and burn again. After tryouts that day, I made my way back to the lockers, happy with my performance. In addition to spending the last few months being lame in my bedroom, I also worked on making it to quarterback. It required brains, something I had a little of, agility, something I had a lot of, and a strong throwing arm, something my dad made me get when I was younger. I was rocking it out. Not to mention the fact that McKinley's football team hadn't won a championship in like a million years.

I ended up throwing my dirty gear into a hamper and my old t-shirt and boxers into my locker before I wrapped a red towel around my waist and walked to the shower stalls. Putting the towel on the hook next to the stall, I looked across the long row of half walled cubicles. The key to being in this situation was to go somewhere completely different. I didn't need to pop a hard on in the middle of the showers. That was a sure ticket to being homeschooled. So my mind went somewhere totally different. Back to the day in the snow, where I led our dorms to a triumphant victory in the snowball fight. Suddenly, I heard it.

"They're all just a bunch of faggots," the guy said three stalls over. "Those glee dudes." A bunch of them laughed at his joking, but it cut me deep. It shouldn't have, but it did. Another guy to my right came right back in with him.

"Hell yeah they are! Singin' with their stupid costumes and shit. It's gross. I can't believe Finn's still doing that shit."

"Glad the Beiste got rid of him. We don't need any fuckin' homos on the team. We're fuckin' showering here! Don't need dudes looking at my junk," he said harshly.

"Did you see the way he wheeled that dumb cripple into here? Last time I checked, you need two legs to play sports. This isn't the special Olympics." They kept going, ragging on all the glee guys, especially Finn. As I rinsed my face under the water and acted like I didn't hear them, the whole plan set in. I was supposed to be rising to the top. Getting the spot as quarterback, landing a girlfriend who knocks any other girl out of the park, and then ruling McKinley High. How was I supposed to do that when I got sucked into glee club? I couldn't risk it.

The guys all left the showers around the same time, walking past me back toward the lockers. I felt like I was stuck between letting myself down or letting Finn and the glee club down. I gave them my word. I told Finn I would come back and audition for the glee club. And if I give someone my word, that's that. At least, that was my new policy. I felt so shitty for ditching Blaine the way I did that I made this new policy. The more I thought about it, the more I realized one thing. If I was gonna get to the top, I was gonna have to lie. And do less than flattering things. I was going to have to let people down. But it was worth the end goal. Like I told myself the whole time, I can't afford to get trampled again. I wouldn't make it out alive if I do.

The auditions for glee club were the next day, but I ditched. I felt like an asshole, but I had to do it. Even if Finn _was _depending on me. I went home right after school and stayed there. The last place I felt accepted or wanted was at school. I rationalized it in my head all night. I had to stick to my plan and stay strong the whole way through. Sticking to the plan was much easier when I saw the list go up in the locker room the day after the auditions. Sure enough, who got the starting quarterback position? Sam Evans. The plan suddenly got a whole lot easier. I jumped from new kid without a claim to his name to interesting, sexy quarterback who transferred in.

My mood soared as I began loading on my pads, but it took a turn for the worse when Finn found me in the locker room and cornered me.

"Hey man, why didn't you show at the audition?" he asked me nicely. In fact, he didn't sound pissed at all, just disappointed. That made it worse.

"I wanted to. I did…I…but after what Coach Beiste did to you…" I sighed before continuing. "Do you know how everyone talks about you glee guys?" I asked him, trying to lessen the blow.

"Oh yeah, you get used to all that," he answered nonchalantly, as though it was nothing.

"Finn, I'm the new guy," I said getting up from the bench. "That means I'm already on the outside looking in. I don't want to start off three touchdowns behind." Finn nodded. I tried to duck out of the situation. "I gotta go," I said. "Coach Beiste makes us do a hundred push ups for every minute we're late, so…" I trailed off and walked past him.

"Yeah, you made the team," he said happily. Did this guy ever get angry? I just totally blew him off and now he's being nice about me making the team he was kicked off of. "That's cool," he went on. "What position?"

"Quarterback," I answered, before walking out the door and flashing the new red number 6 on my white jersey. It sucked, it did. But I was on my way to being number one in this school. Like I said, I didn't want to do it, but if I had to let people down, I would do it. Not one of my proudest moments. But after everything I had gone through in the past 12 months, I didn't have much of a choice. I had to be a letdown to get to the top.


	22. Same Mistake

**Chapter 21 – Same Mistake**

_("Same Mistake" by Boyce Avenue)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

The day had finally arrived. The night of my first football game as quarterback. Tonight was the night I was going to prove to the school that I wasn't some weird new kid with no chance of ever making it at this school. I was going to bring this team to its first winning season in years. That morning, I woke up tired. Sleep had been hard to come by for the past few weeks. My mind was rattling between working hard at school, football practice, and the usual demons that haunted my thoughts. School seemed to be even more pressing than usual. At least at Dalton, if I didn't do well, I didn't have my parents breathing down my neck every night when I did my homework. My mom had started her new rules after I brought home a D on my Spanish exam. First, no TV or internet until all homework is done. Second, all my homework needed to be checked by her after I finished it. Third, I had to start lessons twice a week with my Spanish teacher after school. All in all, it wasn't the worst thing I had ever experienced. And honestly, my grades were going up. I'll admit, I wasn't thrilled about the after school tutoring with Mr. Schuester. I mean, look at how well things went with my last tutor. I didn't want to have to relive that, even if he was thirty-some years old. Not only that, but Mr. Schuester was the director for the glee club I had just ditched. But in the end, he was cool about it.

Football was another beast of a situation, no pun intended. Coach Bieste could be a monster when she wanted and she had no mercy. In our first two weeks of practice, she had us running up and down the bleachers. She would tap us out when she felt we had run enough. Four times I had been the last one to keep running. Up the stairs and back down, over and over. The cramp in my side was unbearable at first, but when you have a huge woman like Bieste jumping down your throat, you just keep running. After a while, the cramp would go away, but that led to the nausea and finally, after I vomited on the stairs, she stopped having us run the bleacher suicides. I kept telling myself it was worth it though, in order to rise to the top, where no one can push you around, tell you off, or anything. They can just look up in awe and want what you have. Like my dad always said, success doesn't come without hard work. And that's what I was doing.

The nice part about being so busy was that my mind was distracted from wandering the past. The last time I dreamt about Blaine was the night of my first day at McKinley, when I was at his brother's car crash. Sure, he would pop into my head every now and then, mostly when I wasn't paying attention in English class. But I shook it pretty fast and would go back to drawing movie posters in the margins of my notes, if you could call them notes. They were mostly just a few key words scribbled on the page with drawings all around it. The silhouette of _Scarface_, the shark from _Jaws_, even _WALL-E _hanging off the side of a spaceship. I wasn't exactly the best artist, but like I said, it kept me distracted from other things.

One set of notes that was drawing-free were my Spanish notes. Mr. Schuester used them a lot when we had our tutoring sessions, so I kept them clean. Paying attention in class actually made me do better in his subject. Go figure. The tutoring sessions were helping too. He was smart, and explained things in a way that made more sense than the textbook. Probably because the textbook was in Spanish. Everything was going well until one day, as I was packing up my bag, Mr. Schuester brought up the glee club. "So I heard you were supposed to audition for glee club a few weeks ago?" he asked, trying to nudge the conversation on.

"Uh, yeah," I said, in my signature thinking-before-I-speak expression. "I was, but uh, well I got quarterback, and now with school and that, it's just a lot to handle. So I uh, I decided not to."

"I can understand that," he said coolly, putting his planner in his bag. "But you sing? When you aren't playing football?"

"Sometimes," I responded hesitantly. "I don't really sing as much as just make noise." He laughed out loud and looked over at me.

"Well we can always use more noise. And from what Finn and Artie told me, you're actually a really good singer."

"They told you?"

"Yes," he said sighing. "They did. I know it probably seems like I'm recruiting you and I'm only saying this to get another voice on the team, but you _can _do both. Finn and Puckerman do it and it seems to work well for them. I'd just hate to see you waste your talent to do something more popular."

"It's not about football being popular," I said, instantly defensive, but sounding as innocent as possible. Mr. Schue just gave me a smile and I could tell he didn't quite believe me.

"Well, whatever your reasoning, we'd love to have you join glee club. The offer's always on the table," he replied as he followed me out of his classroom, shutting the door behind him.

"Thanks," I responded simply.

"Good luck tonight, Sam. Let's see a win," he said, before turning down the hallway and walking toward the teacher's parking lot.

"You will," I called back. "We're gonna win this one."

Four hours later, I was on the field, huddled with the team, a winning game just in reach. There were three words I listened to in that huddle that I would regret moments later.

"Dude, trust me." That's what Finn said. "Dude, trust me. I'm the only guy who's actually ever won a game on this field." I thought about it. He did have a point. And a surprise play could only ramp up my popularity.

"Okay," I responded, laying out the play. "Ready, break!" The huddle broke out and I took my position behind the center. He snapped the ball into my waiting hands. I fell back over my right side, faking a handoff before I switched directions in a sprint. I dodged a player, ready to shoot down the field for that touchdown. Before I knew it, I was hit hard on my right side. I landed on the ground and heard my left shoulder pop. Then, instant pain. I was down for the count. As I laid there, the consequences hit me just as hard. My play had failed, Bieste was pissed, and Finn was the new quarterback. Me, on the other hand, I was on the way to the ER. As the medics walked me off the field, I looked up into the stands and saw my parents sliding across the bleachers, ready to meet me at the ambulance. Awesome. I fucked this up too. Fan-fucking-tastic. I made the same mistake I had made a million times. Trying too hard.

As though my night wasn't bad enough, the ER was stressful as hell. Stressful isn't even a good enough word. They should rename the Emergency Room to "The Mouth of Hell." It is literally the worst place in the world. You're already in pain, you wait for hours to be helped, and they don't even allow cell phones. Then when I got a room, we waited another half hour for a doctor. Once he got there, he told me they could only temporarily treat my arm until the next morning when the X-Ray Technician got back. So now instead of a quick trip to the hospital, it was an overnight stay. By eleven, I had been given the amazing gift of Vicodin, my shoulder was wrapped, and I was admitted to a room. I laid in bed as my dad left to go home and my mom got comfortable in the chair next to my bed. I told her she could go home, but she insisted on staying. The Vicodin was wearing in and my mind was too hazy to really fight her on it. Before I knew it, I was taken in by darkness and my body felt like I was floating through the air. It felt so freeing from the usual tense feeling I had under my cool exterior.

I fell into a dream, but felt more lucid than ever. I was in Spanish class and the bell rang, signaling the end of class. When I got up, I noticed my skin felt softer than usual, like cotton. I looked down and saw the Dalton uniform clung to my body like it was my skin. The navy pants tight against my calves, the white shirt and blue blazer stuck to my chest. The tie seemed to stem from my throat. It was like I was Mystique from _X-Men_ or something. I tried to pull at the uniform, but it wouldn't come off. It was like my skin had been seamed to the uniform. I clawed at my skin as I ran down the hall and through a set of double doors before stumbling into my old dorm. Blaine was there and I stopped dead in my tracks, my stomach dropping. I pulled at my skin maniacally, but Blaine just laughed and pulled the blazer off of me effortlessly. "You can't do it yourself," he said. I didn't speak. Instead, I just looked at him and pushed his hand away as he reached for my tie. He looked at me calmly before reaching again. I hit his hand away another time and backed into the door before he tried again. For some reason, I couldn't speak. I didn't even make the effort to do it. "There are some things in life that you just need help with, Sam," he said, pulling the white shirt off of me as it left my skin and my chest felt free. In no time, I was in my boxers and Blaine stood in front of me. I circled him cautiously as though he was some kind of wild animal that had ventured near me. He had the same calm, warm expression on his face. Before I knew it, he pushed me backwards and I landed on my bed as the world went black.

An instant later, my eyes opened slowly and my entire body felt like Jello. As my world came into focus, I glanced at the clock above the door that was lit in blue from the machines in the room. It was 2:50 in the morning, but it felt like I had been sleeping for days. "You're awake." I turned my head and saw my mom sitting in the chair next to my bed. I nodded lazily, the drugs still running through my system. "How are you feeling?" she asked, more tenderly than I expected.

"Not bad," I said, before rolling on my side to see her, triggering a shooting pain that filled my arm, shoulder, and upper back. I hissed in pain and rolled onto my back again. "That wasn't a good idea," I said as she got up quickly and helped me get comfortable. It was very unlike my mom to be so…motherly. "Thank you," I said simply. She smiled and pushed my blonde bangs out of my eyes. Her gaze rested on me for a moment before I diverted my eyes.

Sighing, she began to speak. "Can I ask you something, Sam?" I looked back and her face was lit by both the cold blue machine lights and the warm orange hallway light. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" I asked, curious about her change of mood, but not about to stop her. For a split second, I even wondered if I was still dreaming.

"Playing football. You've never really liked playing sports and now all of the sudden, you change schools, move home, and become a starting quarterback? It just seems out of character," she explained, shaking her head gently.

"Out of character like you being so nice tonight?" I answered sarcastically, trying to change the subject.

"Samuel Tyler Evans!" she exclaimed. "I'm nice!" she continued defensively, but still with a light heart. I chuckled. "I am!" she said playfully. Her smile faded and she looked into my eyes before continuing. "You know I never try to be mean to you intentionally. Or to try to make you feel bad about yourself. I know I've been hard on you in the past, maybe too hard. But it's only because I want you to be the best you can be. I want you to succeed in life."

"Can I be honest?" I asked, the Vicodin breaking down my usual barriers.

"Of course."

"You do," I said. "Make me feel bad about myself. Only sometimes though."

"I never meant –"

"I know," I interrupted. "It's just a lot of pressure. Having my learning problems, and trying to do good in school. And I want to make you proud of me. It's just that sometimes, I feel like I can do my best, but it won't be enough for you or Dad." Here I was, telling my mom everything. Not something I expected, but it felt good regardless. She pushed my bangs from my eyes again and began running her fingers through my hair gently.

"I'm sorry, Sam. I don't want you to think that you don't make me proud. You do. Every day. And you don't need to get straight A's or score a million touchdowns or become a rock star to do that. All you need to do is keep loving me."

"I _do_ love you."

"And I love you too," she responded. "I just don't want you playing football or doing something else you don't want to, something that doesn't feel right, just to impress your father and I. We'll love you regardless."

"Thanks, Mom." She smiled for another moment before kissing my forehead.

"I love you, Sam," she said before backing up and taking a seat in her chair. "Now let's get some sleep."

"Yes ma'am," I said instinctively.

"Just yes, Sam. Just yes." I laid back in bed, staring at the ceiling. My mom's words were echoing in my brain and even though I was sure my IV was pumping some kind of mind scrambling pain killer, I felt like I was thinking more clearly than ever. I couldn't keep making the same mistakes over and over. I had to realize that there are some parts about myself that I can't let go of. There are some things about myself I may not want to share with the world, but that I had to. And if I did, my mom and dad would still love me. Still be proud of me. And if I ignored it more, I'd just keep making the same mistakes. It was time to show the world a part of Sam Evans they hadn't seen before. Sam Evans, the singer. As I fell back asleep, I smiled thinking about how a singing Sam Evans was going to bring the glee club up from the basement of the social hierarchy to the top of the school.


	23. Be Okay

**Chapter 22 – Be Okay**

_("Be OK" by Ingrid Michaelson)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

The next morning, the X-ray technician took care of me and I found out my shoulder was dislocated. After they placed it properly, (not the best experience of my life) I was on my way home with a shoulder wrap. The weekend went by fairly easily, with my mom being especially nice and more patient than usual when we worked on my homework. On Monday morning, I walked into my Spanish class early and pulled Mr. Schuester aside.

"Hey, so, um, I was thinking about what you said. About the uh, glee club. I was just wondering if it wasn't too late to change my mind?" I asked. He instantly smiled in excitement, flashing his straight white teeth.

"Not too late at all," he said. "You actually have perfect timing. We just lost a member and we're about to start a new project too. Just be in the choir room after school and we'll get started." I nodded.

"Thanks Mr. Schue. I'm excited for it," I said earnestly.

"I'm glad you changed your mind, Sam," he said, slapping a hand on my shoulder. I instantly screwed up my face, wincing in pain. "Oh my God!" he exclaimed. "I forgot about…are you okay? I'm sorry!" he said apologetically.

"It's all good," I said through gritted teeth, giving him a thumbs up and walking back to my seat as the pain subsided and the classroom filled up. All day, I was genuinely happy about joining the glee club that afternoon and meeting new people. I had to admit, even if they weren't popular, the kids in the glee club seemed interesting. Coming from Dalton where everyone wears the same uniform, goes to the same classes, has the same boring opinions, these people were welcome. From the Asian goth girl to Artie the football playing wheelchair nerd to Finn, the glee club star/boyfriend of drama queen/quarterback all in one. (That last one was still getting to me, but I'd tackle football once my shoulder was healed. Everyone loves a comeback, right?) The point is, seeing the glee club perform was like watching a weird scientific experiment where polar opposites are thrown in and forced to work together. Like _Celebrity Apprentice _without the Donald being a tool.

The other thing I was excited about was restarting my plan to rule the school. My tactics of tearing people down and clawing my way up to the top weren't going to work. Not in this school. It wasn't like Dalton where you just had to be smart and somewhat rich to make it. Here, you had to be interesting, be confident, and most of all, have lots of friends. A year ago, I would've freaked out at the idea of making friends outside of my comfort zone. But a lot had changed in a year, including myself, and I was ready to jump in the deep end headfirst. I knew I would be okay. I just had to be myself, be friendly, and show people I wasn't a threat. I was a talented, natural-born leader. I just had to come out of my shell first. As long as I played my cards right, I didn't have to worry about failing. I would be okay.

When the end of the day rolled around, I grabbed my books and headed to the choir room. Mr. Schuester had caught me in the hallway and told me to wait while he introduced me. I stood outside, my stomach tingling. Hearing all of them talking like they were best friends made me nervous. Being the new guy was never fun. But I had to calm down and take it one step at a time. Before I could really talk myself down, I heard Mr. Schue call my name and I practically ran in out of nerves. Smooth, right? My face was flushed as I began introducing myself and my mouth went faster than my brain.

"Hey everybody. I'm Sam." I said. Good start, but my mouth kept going. "Sam I am. And I don't like green eggs and ham." I blushed and my stomach seemed to do a flip as this small reminder of my time at Dalton came to the surface.

"Oh wow, he has no game," a brunette cheerleader muttered as Finn shot out of his seat, beaming at me.

"Okay!" he exclaimed. "This is gonna be great," he assured me, his arm around my shoulder supportively. "You're not gonna regret joining, Sam." We took our seat and I paid attention as Mr. Schuester began to describe the new project. I kept my eyes fixed on him, but I could feel everyone staring at me. It wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world, and the confidence I had throughout the day had definitely taken a blow, but I knew I still had to keep my cool. It would be okay. As he laid out the duets competition, I began to get a little nervous. There was an odd amount of people and we needed to pair up to sing duets. Someone was going to be left out and then what? I instantly feared being the odd man out having to somehow sing a song meant for two people. As I glanced around throughout practice, I began to weigh my options for a possible partner.

I found out the cheerleader who called me out was Santana. I heard about her a few weeks ago. She was a cobra and words were her venom, striking down anyone in her way. She seemed like she could be a decent competitor, but it definitely didn't fit into my plan of being friendly. Mercedes was the token sassy black girl. She had the looks, the attitude, and the talent to back it up. She could definitely pull out a win in the competition. Brittany was…not the brightest cheerleader in the pyramid. I noticed instantly when she thought a duet was a blanket, but I _really_ knew it when she tried to argue that drug-sniffing dogs should be paid the same wage as their police owners. "Equal pay for equal work!" she exclaimed, arguing her point. "We can't stand by this injustice." The goth Asian I noticed earlier was Tina and it turns out she was dating Mike. I remembered him from my audition. Rachel was taken by Finn, so I knew that wasn't a possibility.

Then there was Quinn. I noticed her when I walked in, but only caught a glimpse before Santana bit into me and Finn pulled me to sit down. When I saw her later during practice, I was floored. It was like déjà vu. She looked just like the girl who was running and saved me from that dumpster hell a few months earlier. She had the same long hair, the same face. She was a bit younger than the runner who saved me, but still, the resemblance was crazy. The one difference, I noticed, was her eyes. Her eyes drew me in. They were hazel, reminded me a lot of…

Well, they were really pretty eyes. They grabbed my attention for sure. By the end of practice, I knew I had to get either Mercedes or Quinn as my partner. Secretly, I knew I wanted to catch another glimpse of the blonde girl's eyes, but both of my possible partners were gone before I could talk to them. The hallways filled with kids leaving their after-school activities as I walked back to my locker and put my books away. Suddenly, someone appeared right beside me.

"Hi. I'm Kurt Hummel," he said simply, offering a very direct hand shake. It was the kid from glee club. Finn had told me about him. A sort of step-brother or something. Definitely gay, but still meant no harm. He seemed innocent enough. Not my type, not that I had one when it came to dudes, but you know what I mean. He was smiling from ear to ear.

"Hey," I replied, shaking his hand.

"I just wanted to personally welcome you to the glee club," he said. I could tell what he was thinking. He was scoping out the new guy, the competition. But I knew he had nothing to worry about.

"Thanks." We stood there for a second in awkward silence before he looked through me.

"Just tell me," he said smugly. Inside, I froze. There's no way he could know. He barely met me. Unless he was that good. My insides were clenched tight and my jaw tightened instinctively. I didn't even have time to respond before he continued. "Look, maybe at your old school you could get away with the whole just stayed in the sun all summer, but I have three gifts." My brain rattled as I realized he wasn't talking about what I thought he was. But I was still lost trying to figure out what he was actually getting at. "My voice," he continued. "My ability to spot trends in men's fashion, and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle." I paused. My hair. He was talking about my freaking hair.

"I don't dye my hair dude," I said, keeping my cool as I put away the last of my books.

"Yes, you do. But it's just between friends." My body felt tense again. It was like I was in some kind of repeat universe where I was reliving the past year with all new people. It had been just about a year since another guy had caught me on the same thing.

"Um, I'm gonna go because you're kinda freakin' me out," I said, trying to bail as soon as possible. I shut my locker and walked the opposite direction, but he followed me, apologizing immediately.

"Maybe my instincts were a little off," he remarked, walking with me. I avoided his eyes as he continued. "Let me make it up to you. Team up with me for the duet competition. Unless you team up with Rachel, I'm your best bet at winning."

"Aren't duets supposed to be between like, a girl and a guy?" I asked. I had never even thought to sing the duet with a guy. I guess it could work though, if it came off as like, a sick rock number, or maybe something funny. I had a feeling Kurt didn't do either.

"Well Gene Kelly and Donald O'Conner would protest," he laughed as though this was some hilarious joke. I gave him a sideward glance, and didn't have a clue what he was talking about. "Make 'Em Laugh? _Singin' in the Rain_?" he persisted. "1952…nothing?" I shook my head. "Okay, maybe you are straight."

"What?" I asked him, not sure if he actually just said what I thought he did.

"Nothing," he responded. "Look, look up the menu for Breadstix online and call me, because we are gonna win this!" he said confidently, gesturing as he walked away. On the way home, I thought about it. Yes it might be weird doing a duet with another guy, but if Kurt was as good as he said he was, it could really ramp up my reputation. If I pulled off being in glee club, winning a competition my first week, and winning with another guy, people would be shocked. Who could really pull all of that off besides someone with mad skills and serious talent?

I wasn't totally sold until I called him that evening. I got his number from Finn who seemed curious about why I wanted it, but texted it to me anyways. After we talked, he decided that he would email me some songs of him singing to get a feel for his style. Then we would meet up later to discuss what we'd do for the duet.

After eating dinner, I began my homework and my mom sat across the dining room table, reading on her Kindle. I looked up at her, then back down at my homework, and then up at her again. "Um, so I joined the uh, the glee club today." I looked back down at my geometry homework, drawing the shapes next to my proof. When I chanced a look back at her, she was smiling.

"You joined the glee club? Like choir?"

"Mhmm," I responded, flashing my eyes up at her.

"Well, I never took you for the musical type, but I think if you're interested," she remarked. "I can't say I'm not worried about your grades and you being able to have enough time for all of this," she said, in that offhanded way that was kind of passive-aggressive.

"I think I'll be okay. I've been doing better at school and Coach says I won't be able to play until my shoulder is totally healed," I explained, hoping to win her over on the idea. "She said that even though I'm benched, I still have to go to practice, but I can bring homework to do. So that'll save me some time."

"Well if it gets to be too much, let me know and we'll see what we can work out," she said, actually accommodating the idea. Since our talk in the hospital, my mom _had _been trying harder to be more calm and reasonable. It was kind of nice not having such a rough time at home.

"Thanks," I said, bringing my eyes back to my homework. My new plan of being my friendly self was working out pretty well. Still, as I worked on my geometry, I couldn't stop thinking of those hazel eyes that caught my attention earlier in the day.

The next day after football practice, Finn let me know everything was not as okay as I thought. I had a towel around my waist as I was headed back to my locker to get dressed and head home. Apparently news of Kurt's plan for us to sing our duet had reached Finn and it wasn't going to fly. "I don't see the big deal," I told him. "He emailed me like sixty MP3's of him singing and I thought it was Faith Hill. The kid's good," I said, justifying my decision.

"Look, this isn't about how good Kurt is. Being in glee club is kinda like…it's like walking down the double lines of a highway," he explained, straddling the bench in front of me. "If you get just a little off course, you're gonna get crushed."

"I gotta be honest," I replied. "You're kind of confusing my head right now. I mean, do you remember what you said when you talked me into joining glee club?" I asked as I slipped my boxers on under my towel before pulling it away. "I joined because I'm new here and you said that it would make me popular, and now you're telling me it's gonna get me killed." I pulled my jeans on and buttoned them up. He was kind of making me nervous with his warnings. I didn't want to be in over my head like last time, but I also wanted to get the glee thing right. What if it _was _a losing battle?

"Well, eventually, you're gonna get popular from it, believe me," he reassured me. "But until then, you need to lay low a little bit. And singing a duet with another dude is not laying low."

"I didn't realize," I said as I pulled my shirt over my head, "you had a problem with gay dudes."

"Look, I don't have a problem with gay dudes, everyone else does," he said defensively. "And we're living in their world. And in _their_ world, you singing a duet with another dude is a death sentence." As he spoke, the reality of it came back. The fact that I moved to get away from all of the judgment and stress and bullshit at Dalton, and now where was I? Still in the same world. Inside, I was fired up, but I kept my cool.

"Well I gave him my word," I said defiantly, set on not giving in to the peer pressure. "And in my world, that's that." I turned around and left the locker room feeling pretty damn good about myself. I stuck to my convictions, I played it cool, and I didn't let him think I was worried about Kurt being gay. That was definitely one of my better –

It hit me hard. Freezing cold and sticky running across my face, in my hair, and down my shirt. "Welcome to glee club _ladylips_!" Marcus shouted as he walked past me with Karofsky. They had fucking done it again. I had been slushied at McKinley. If I didn't think this was going to be an uphill battle, I was wrong. But then I saw them, just like the time I was slushied before. Those hazel eyes coming to rescue me. And as that gooey ice ran down my chest, I knew I was gonna be okay.


	24. First Dance

**Chapter 23 – First Dance**

_("First Dance" by Never Shout Never)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

As though the past few days hadn't been filled with enough déjà vu, Quinn had come out of nowhere to save me from the slushie. I followed her as she snuck me into a girl's bathroom and wiped most of the slushie off my neck and face. I pulled my blue t-shirt over my head, leaving my tan Henley behind. As she threw my shirt aside, the blue and white circle on it started to look a lot more like a target for Marcus and Karofsky. I bent under the faucet and she helped me pull the icy mess from my long hair. "The blueberry flavor is the worst," she said as steam rose from the sink. "Especially when it gets down your pants. I looked like a creature out of _Avatar_ down there when I got slushied." I rinsed my hair out and looked up, surprised that she knew about one of my favorite movies.

"I saw _Avatar _like six times," I said, grinning.

"Oh," she replied awkwardly. I couldn't stop smiling at her. It was those freaking eyes. "Well, you'll get used to it." I looked at her and questioned her motives.

"I mean, you're the head cheerleader. Why do you even bother? I mean, you don't need glee club," I explained, trying to figure her out. It was true. If being in glee club was such a reputation killer, why did Finn and Santana and Brittany…and Quinn, why did they all do it?

"I like to sing," she offered plainly, picking ice out of my hair and wiping a wash cloth against my head. "And the fact is, those guys were pretty cool to me last year when I wasn't on top. What's the point of being popular if you can't do what you want?" That hit me. She had a point. What if at the end of all of this, none of it mattered? I instead decided a better way to impress her was with my skills in foreign languages.

"Lor menari," I said, almost whispering. "It means you have pretty eyes. It's Na'vi," I told her, looking for some kind of positive reaction. "The _Avatar _language." My eyes brightened and I flashed her a smile as I repeated myself. "Lor menari."

"Alright Mr. Avatar," she said, trying to break her awkward stare. "Let's get you cleaned up and out of here before Coach Sylvester kicks us both out of school." I smiled and grabbed my shirt, holding it in my hand as she snuck me back into the empty hallways. She looked at me as we walked and stopped at the intersection. "Well Sam, I guess I'll see you in glee club."

"I guess you will," I said, kind of regretting my decision to be Kurt's duet partner. If I had a chance to be around those eyes more, I wouldn't turn it down. She laughed nervously before turning around. "Quinn," I called after her, my voice echoing in the empty hallway. She turned around. "Thank you," I said sincerely, giving her a friendly smile.

All night, I couldn't get her out of my head. The way she came out of nowhere to help me after my first McKinley slushie, her cool and calm attitude, even the way she breathed, like there wasn't a care in the world. All of it was so enticing to me. In the back of my head, a small voice doubted my feelings. Questioned me on whether I really had feelings for her. But even if it wasn't love now, it was something. The next day at glee club, Santana and Mercedes showed off their sick duet and I was floored. I leaned over to Quinn, who had sat next to me when she got there, and asked her if everyone was that good. She just shrugged playfully. "Why, are you afraid of losing?" she asked with a wink. I gave her a smile, but I had to admit, I was kind of intimidated and hoped that Kurt would be able to pull out a good duet when we met the next day. After leaving glee club, I slipped Quinn a piece of paper.

"I just thought you might want to maybe, uh hang out sometime," I said, giving her a small smile. I could see her become hesitant quickly.

"Sam, I'm very busy and –"

"Well, just in case then," I replied handing it off to her before heading the opposite direction toward my locker. Less than two minutes later, my phone chimed in a new text message. I couldn't stop my smile as I pulled the phone out of my pocket and looked down at a series of numbers. Quinn was the one. She was the girl I had to get, the girl I had to win over, the girl who would help me reach the top, and the girl who I could really learn to love. I knew she was the one.

That night, I barely fell asleep before I collapsed into another weird dream. I was back at Dalton, chasing him down my old dorm hallway. The hazel eyed boy who haunted my dreams. "Blaine, please wait!" I called after him. I had that conviction everyone has in your dreams, where you know you have to do something and you don't know why, but you keep fighting it over with the other person in the dream. And they never listen to you. But I knew wherever he was leading me was somewhere I didn't want to go. "I really don't want to go," I repeated.

"Sam, stop worrying. Besides, nobody will notice." He looked back at me and flashed a smile, grabbing my hand and leading me down the stairs. Suddenly, I ended up somewhere completely different, like you do in dreams. I was in our gymnasium at Dalton. It was crowded with students, both guys and girls, at a dance. The music was loud and Blaine started dancing with his goofy spins and jazz hands. I shook my head.

"No way, Blaine. I want to leave."

"Loosen up, Sammy!" he said playfully, grabbing my arm and trying to make me dance with him to the upbeat song. I pulled my arm away.

"Not here," I said. He kept dancing and reached for my arm again, taking it and leading me to dance with him. I gave in. I knew it was no use to fight it. My hips started moving and before I knew it, I was dancing with him and having a blast. He backed up against me, taking my hand in his, my chest against his back. We danced with the music and it was the most fun I had in a long time. Nobody else around seemed to notice us, or even care. I hated admitting it to him, but it felt good. Enjoying time with him, being around him. It felt fantastic.

The music slowed down and Blaine turned around to look at me. His eyes pierced through me and he smiled one of his soft smiles. "Dance with me babe," he said, holding out his hand. I was nervous, but I took it and moved one arm around his waist and the other slung under his arm, my hand on his shoulder. I put my face next to his face, felt his cheek on my cheek, his hands behind my neck. It felt like home. "Why do you keep fighting this, Sam?" he asked. "Just be honest. You know what's right." I held onto him closer, listening to him whisper in my ear. "You know the truth." A lump grew in my throat. I could feel it welling up no matter how hard I tried to swallow it.

"I'm sorry," I said, closing my eyes and resting my chin on his shoulder as we swayed slowly to the music.

"I love you," he whispered back. I held onto him tighter, not wanting to let go.

The next second, I was back in my dark bedroom, the sheets twisted around my legs. I stopped and looked around. Then the dread took over. I closed my eyes quickly, trying desperately to fall back into the dream. My heart began to sink as I tried to hang on to the way he smelled, his smile, his cheek against mine, anything. But in that instant, it was all gone. And I was alone.

I barely slept the rest of the night. The next morning, I got to school early to hit the gym. At six o'clock sharp, the school was dead except for a few janitors and the gym was all mine, just like at Dalton. Except no Derrick to harass me this time. I decided to go for cardio and run on the treadmill. Starting out slow, I tried not to think about Dalton and Blaine and that dance in my dream, but it was no use. I kept running, keeping as calm as I could. On the inside, I was furious. Furious that I let myself get bullied into leaving. Furious that I was forced to start a new life. Furious that I was fighting the truth I knew for so long. Furious that no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't turn back. The angrier I got, the faster I ran, pushing the speed higher. A feeling of rage came from somewhere in me. My body was on fire, my legs burning, my chest heaving, my face getting redder by the minute. I felt my anger surge until I was in an all-out sprint, causing my legs to tighten and burn. My hand flew onto the speed dial and slammed it down, causing the treadmill to slow down. I leaned my forearms on the side bars and ran with it until it slowly came to a stop. I bent over trying to catch my breath, my heart pounding. But my mind was what hurt the most. "Stop fighting it, Sam," I said out loud. And then, looking at the floor, I said something I hadn't said out loud in a long time. "I'm gay." It was shallow, barely a whisper, but I said it. I felt the tears in my eyes, but stopped them instantly. I was good at holding back my emotions these days. And then I said it again. "I'm gay." The air seemed empty after I said it except for my heavy breaths. When I pulled myself together, I went over to the free weights and started some arm curls.

I began really thinking hard about it. I didn't know if I could live that life though. Be openly gay. Kurt made it look easy. Blaine...he _really _made it look easy. But they weren't me. They didn't have my family. My mind switched to what my parents would think if I told them. My dad…I couldn't even think about telling him. And if I told my mom, she would instantly switch back to her old ways to keep me in line. Kurt and Blaine didn't have my life. I was a soon-to-be-reinstated quarterback of the football team. I was a comic book nerd. I was a movie fanatic. I was the guy next door. I wasn't the gay kid. That wasn't me. But then the thought slammed into my mind like a brick hitting my face. _It IS you. You ARE the gay kid. _I shook my head, knowing that I was going to keep fighting it, knowing that I had to do it. For my family, for me, for everyone. It was just better this way, even if it didn't feel right.

I looked up at the clock and knew I'd better hit the showers soon before I would run late for class. I went to the locker room, stripping down quick before wrapping a towel around my waist and heading to the showers. As I turned the knob, hot water came pouring from the shower head and ran over my hair, sending a relaxing sensation over my body. Then I heard an unexpected voice.

"Don't worry," Kurt said, standing back from the showers, "I'm not about to go all Shawshank on you." I turned to look at him, water running down my face. I squinted my eyes before looking at him clearly, wearing dark clothes with a hat that kinda made him look like Peter Pan. Instantly, I turned away.

"This is kinda weird. Guys usually don't talk to each other in here," I explained. At least I didn't talk in here. It's how I kept myself in check.

"Well this can't wait. I'm setting you free," he said. I turned to him with a confused look, not sure what he meant. "You can do your duet with someone else in glee club. Someone that the world deems more appropriate."

"Did I do something to offend you?" I asked him, hoping he wasn't about to make me feel worse. And I really wondered what made him change his mind. My mind instantly flashed to Finn trying to get me to drop Kurt as a partner. Ten bucks said he had something to do with it.

"No!" he said abruptly. "It's not you, it's me. You've been honorable actually. And I wish you the best. But I realize I need to sing with someone that matches my passion and talent level." I wasn't sure whether it was a cop out or an insult, but I didn't want to push him, especially given the fact that I was still standing awkwardly in the shower.

"Who's that?" I asked with a grin. He ignored me.

"You know they make special shampoo for color treated hair," he said before backing up and turning around to leave. There it was again, the fucking hair. The Christmas present from Blaine last year jumped into my mind, the bottle of color special shampoo. Any left over anger I had from the morning came out as I called out to him.

"I don't dye my hair!"

"Uh huh," he called back, totally unconvinced. I turned back and continued washing my hair. As though my morning hadn't been bad enough, I now faced a totally different challenge: finding a new duet partner. Lucky for me, I knew someone who was totally free and ready for the taking.

The day went on as usual, got better even. My mind was still distracted with my dream and what I said in the gym this morning, but I occupied myself with figuring out how to convince Quinn to sing a duet with me. In the middle of my history class, it hit me. The way I clung to Blaine as we danced in my dream, how _lucky_ I felt to be near him. I knew exactly what song to sing with her and even a cool gimmick to give us an edge. The idea was awesome.

I had to admit, even with a killer idea, I still didn't feel too good about going to glee club that afternoon and facing the fact that I got dumped by my duet partner. Kurt got up to do his duet and I looked down.

"As many of you know, I had a duet partner, but due to sensitivities I'd rather not get into at the moment, I have dissolved the partnership." I felt everyone's eyes on me and looked away. "When you're different, when you're special, sometimes you have to learn to be alone." His words stuck with me. I had to learn to be alone.

"How can you do a duet by yourself? That's like vocal masturbation," Santana shot at him. Kurt just challenged her back.

"Watch and learn, Santana!" Kurt's performance showed me that he was more talented than I thought. He did what I was afraid to do. He sang a duet by himself. And he was _good _too. Before glee club let out, I turned to Quinn. "Think you could meet me at my locker in five minutes?" I asked her, throwing a charming smile her way. She flashed her hazel eyes in my direction and gave me a small grin. "Sure." I winked before turning around and walking down the aisle of the auditorium toward Kurt.

"Hey!" I called out to him in the empty auditorium. He was sitting on the edge of the stage taking some big cotton ball thing to his face, wiping off his make up.

"Hi," he said, giving me a weak smile.

"I just, uh, I wanted to tell you that you did a really good job." He smiled and nodded.

"Thank you," he said. "I hope my insane amount of talent didn't intimidate you."

"Oh, it did," I replied laughing. He tilted his head, giving me another small smile. "I just want you to know that, uh, I'm not mad or anything. About you not wanting to be my partner. I get it. It's hard when you have all this pressure."

"You have no idea," he said.

"Oh, you'd be surprised," I said with a wink before turning around.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he called after me. I flipped around again, walking backwards.

"Keep up the good work Kurt. Just don't be too nervous for my duet on Friday!" I called back, giving him a wave, and backing into the exit door. As I walked to my locker, I saw the blonde haired girl waiting for me, the red WMHS blazing across her cheerleader uniform.

"So what did you want?" she asked, clearly nervous, shy even. It kind of made her look cute. I told myself again that this is how it had to be. It might not be my first choice, but it would make everyone happy. I would learn to love her.

"Just come with me. I want to talk to you about duets."

"I wasn't really planning on –"

"Just hear me out," I offered. "Come with me," I said walking to the classroom two doors down from my locker. We walked in and I pointed to the solar system mobile hanging from the ceiling. "I love astronomy. Something about all that space makes my problems seem kinda small." Yes, I know. I was stealing lines straight out of my date with Blaine to the observatory, but hey, they worked, right? Wrong. Quinn wasn't having it.

"Tell me why I should be singing with you," she challenged me.

"Okay," I replied, grabbing my conveniently placed guitar. "Well, we'll start off with choreography. Singing will be easy, so I'll start playing," I explained, spinning around and strumming some chords on my guitar. "And now get behind me." She smiled a bit, but rolled her eyes. I hit her with some more charm. "Get behind me," I whispered. She hesitantly walked next to me. "Good, now grab my hips." She laughed out loud. "And start swaying," I said moving my hips back and forth, showing her my goofy looking dance as she slapped a hand on my shoulder. "And now here's the cool part. Give me your hand." I took her hand in mine, holding it gently before catching another look at her bright eyes. I led her hand to the guitar. "Do you know how to play?"

"No," she replied, barely even making noise. I could tell she was nervous, but digging it.

"Well it's easy," I told her, moving her fingers to the right places. "It's just like that," I explained, smiling. "Now do it fast, back and forth. There you go." She kept her fingers going on the guitar as I strummed. Soon our eyes met once, twice, one more time before I moved closer. Our faces were only inches apart as my fingers fell from the guitar. Finally, feeling braver than ever, I moved in for the kiss…and regretted it instantly. She practically flew away from me.

"No, no. I can't do this," she said, her guard way up. And then I took it. She practically ripped into me with claws. I felt like a total jerk. I knew I shouldn't have been so forward, but those eyes…and she seemed to be into it. I tried to apologize, but she cut me off. Finally, I got a word in.

"Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't…I shouldn't have tried that." She gave me a look of disappointment I hadn't seen in a long time.

"I'm sorry. I made a mistake," she said. "And um, I don't want to sing with you." She left me in the classroom, blushing in embarrassment. I had never felt like such a jerk. I was trying to be nice, be charming. And I turned out to be a disappointment. So much for that first dance.

The next day, things got better. Finn cornered me in the gym and called me out on being such an asshole. I tried to tell him I was sorry, but at that point, I had pretty much given up on the idea of trying a duet with her. I figured I could probably work myself back into her mind another way, but being rejected like that didn't make me feel any better. And it kind of nailed the coffin shut on doing a duet with her. But then Finn did what he did best. He convinced me to do something I didn't want to: ask Quinn's forgiveness. And hell, what's the worst that could happen? I already got a slushie in the face.

She couldn't do anything worse than that. Later that afternoon, I saw her in the hallway. It was kind of hard to miss her with eyes like that. I ran up to her. "Hey, listen, I was totally out of line with you," I said quickly before she could interrupt me or run away before hearing me out. "Promise it won't happen again. Though you might have to wear sunglasses whenever we're together," I admitted. She just grinned.

"Good. Because we're gonna have to spend a lot of time together practicing if we're gonna win that dinner at Breadstix," she replied, giving me a flirty look before walking away. I beamed.

And Sammy's back in the game!


	25. ReOffender

**Chapter 24 – Re-Offender**

_("Re-Offender" by Travis)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

The next night, I felt like the luckiest son of a bitch in the world. By some miracle, Quinn and I had gotten our duet together and performed it Friday afternoon. Right after we sang, the glee club voted. With Breadstix on the line, I really wondered how Mr. Schuester was gonna do this. Let's be real, everyone would vote for themselves. Then again, Artie and Brittany hadn't done their duet, so I guess that would break any kind of five-way tie or something. As I wrote my vote down, I couldn't help but think how perfect it would be to have that date with Quinn. The perfect chance to get her one on one, no duet to work on, no one interrupting us, just time to talk. Time to prove to her that I'm the guy she wants. I watched as everyone turned in their votes. Recapping the duets in my head, my rendition of _Lucky _seemed kinda dumb. The only group that did worse was Finn and Rachel. I was still amazed at how rude their duet was. But Mercedes and Santana could hit notes I thought only Aquaman's seahorse could make, Kurt had somehow figured out how to sing a duet by himself, and Mike and Tina had the cute couple thing going, not to mention his sick dance skills. It looked like an uphill battle, but before I knew it, I had a gift certificate to Breadstix in one hand, Quinn's hand in the other, and Santana coming at me like a rabid animal. Yeah, I could tell I was fitting in already.

On the way out the door, Santana grabbed my arm and grinned, cocking her head back. "Hey Trouty Mouth," she said, boring holes into me with her eyes. "The last guy who went to Breadstix with Quinn ended up being a baby daddy." She let go of my arm, before pointing one finger into my chest. "I know under the warm glow of the restaurant lights with the smell of delicious garlic sticks wafting through the air she may look like the girl of your dreams, but just remember, under all that make up and skin cream are the stretch marks of a former teenage sperm dumpster." I raised my eyebrows as Quinn shot back at her.

"Well, if anyone on the football team actually decides to take you out in public, make sure you wipe the grass stains off your knees," she said, taking my hand. I gave an approving smile as Santana's mind worked for a comeback, but before she could get the words out, I gave the toxic-tongued cheerleader a gleeful shrug before Quinn pulled me out of the choir room.

"What was that about?" I asked, giving a little laugh.

"Last year was a very…intense year for me," she responded.

"You have no idea," I responded, almost slipping up.

"Oh, I'm sure I do. I uh, well, I was dating Finn," she explained, stopping at her locker and looking up at me, fixing the strap on her Cheerios uniform. "And Puck got me pregnant. And I tried to pass it off as Finn's and almost gave away my baby for adoption to Mr. Schuester's ex-wife who was faking her own pregnancy." I looked down at her blankly, my mind still trying to catch up with the story she was telling.

"Oh," I replied dumbly. "And I take it none of that happened?" I asked.

"Not quite," she said, leaning against her locker. "My parents threw me out of the house, everyone found out it wasn't Finn's baby, and Mr. Schue realized his wife was lying about being pregnant and they got a divorce. "

"But you still had the baby?" I asked.

"Yeah, the night of regionals. I went into labor and Beth was born. And I gave her up for adoption to Shelby Corcoran. She's our rival glee club's former advisor slash Rachel Berry's biological mother slash the adoptive mother of my baby slash my wrists if I have to tell this story again."

"I'm sorry," I said, still processing it all, but at the same time understanding that her year was probably just as hard as mine. "You don't owe me an explanation or anything," I said, trying to make her feel better.

"It's okay," she said, opening up her locker. "The point is that last year was a hard year and I'm not looking to get into the same mess again. I'm not going to sit here and try to keep up appearances. Yeah, I had a baby when I was 16 and yeah I was disowned by my parents and yeah the entire school judged me. But I'm a better person for it and I found out who my true friends were. And I learned," she continued, placing her books neatly in her locker, "that I don't have to be anybody but myself to get back on top." She shut her locker and finally faced me again, staring right into my eyes. "So there's my baggage. Take it or leave it."

"I'll take it," I said smiling. "You had a lot of courage to go through all that. Now the question is do you have enough courage to chance a date with me?" I asked, holding up the gift certificate.

"You know, you're not as charming as you think you are," she responded playfully, snatching the certificate from my fingers.

"And you aren't as intimidating as you think you are," I answered back, giving her a smile. "So I'll pick you up at 6?"

"I'll meet you there at 6:30," she responded, turning on her heel and walking the other direction. "Don't be late," she said, waving the gift certificate in the air, "or I might find some other geeky boy to have dinner with," she called back, grinning.

As Quinn and I sat down at Breadstix that night, I knew it was my chance to win her over. It wasn't easy, but I tried my best to just be myself and be real with her. Well, as much of myself as possible. And even though the conversation might've been awkward at first, by the end of it, I knew I had come out on top. She began putting the gift certificate away before we paid.

"What are you doing?" I asked her as a grin crept onto my face.

"We're not using that," she explained. "You're paying."

"Why?"

"Because," she said, "a gentleman always pays on the first date." I couldn't do anything but smile. It worked. Even with my goofy Matthew McCoughnahey impressions and my lemon juice-infused hair, she still wanted to date me. The newfound honesty with her was turning out to be my key to her heart. Even though I knew I wouldn't be able to tell her _everything_, I knew I could be real with her.

As the weeks went by, I was surprised at how easy it was for me to be with Quinn. Don't get me wrong, I had to work hard to keep up the reputation, especially when Mr. Schue tried to have me wear some tight gold shorts for _Rocky Horror _or when Quinn somehow thought I was having some kind of intense love affair with Coach Beiste. But regardless of all of that, I somehow managed to keep my head above the water and as time went on, I could tell that Quinn was falling for me. And to be honest, I was falling for her too. I don't know whether it was the fact that she really held her own against anyone, especially other dudes, or if it was just the fact that she was always game for a fun time. Even for Halloween, a holiday I hadn't celebrated in years, she managed to get me out of my house, into a costume, and to Finn's house for a party. When she showed me my costume, I thought she had gone crazy, but then she showed me hers. And that was when I knew she was perfect for me. Let's just say that Han Solo and gold bikini Princess Leia may have won best costume at Finn's Halloween party, even over Rachel crying that her Gypsy Rose Lee costume should've taken the prize.

Being around Quinn also opened the doors to getting know a lot of different people. Up until that point, I had really only known the football players and the people in glee club. Even though I wasn't very social, Quinn did most of the talking and I just sat back and threw in the occasional joke or funny impression. I was climbing up the social ladder without much work and had nothing to complain about.

The best part about drowning myself in Quinn was that it distracted me from thinking about Blaine. The entire way through October, I barely thought of him and didn't dream about him once. Quinn was a refreshing change from the usual heavy feeling in my stomach when I thought about Blaine. Any time my mind would wander and I would think of where he was or what he was doing, Quinn would come out of nowhere and distract me again. It was perfect. I was almost sure I was over Blaine. At least, that's what I thought. But on the first day of November, Mr. Schuester came into glee club practice with Puck, free from juvie. As Puck told everyone what a badass he was, Quinn rolled her eyes.

"Wow, what a catch, can't believe I ever let you go," she said sarcastically, throwing him daggers with her eyes. But Mr. Schue spoke before Puck could get a comeback at her.

"And now, drum roll Finn. Because I have in my hand our competition for sectionals next month," he announced, holding up a piece of paper. "First, the a capella choir from the all-boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers." My stomach dropped. I had to let my brain catch up to the shock of hearing a name I didn't expect, especially not from Mr. Schuester.

"Okay, hold up. Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head," remarked Santana with a snarky grin that made me want to blow up at her. I didn't even hear the other competitor or the assignment for the week. I was too busy in my own mind. Just when I thought everything was over, when I finally broke the emotional ties to Dalton, not just the physical ones, this was thrown in my face. And then my mind shot to the fact that I was going to see him again. I was going to have to watch him perform with the Warblers. Look at him in the flesh, not just some image in my mind. Not some bad memory that made my heart heavy. And then he was going to see me perform. I knew I would have to do everything I could to stay on the down low, keep everything on an even keel, and just get through sectionals. Then one of us would lose the competition and I would never have to see him again.

Things only got worse. Two days later, Kurt offered his ideas for the guys versus girls mash-up competition and the rest of the guys wouldn't lay off of him. "Isn't this lesson about opposites?" asked Artie, looking at Kurt's costume display. "I mean, you wearing a sequined gown and a feather boa is exactly what you'd expect."

"Okay, who said anything about a gown?" asked Kurt, definitely offended. I knew I should've stood up for him, at least to give him a chance. But what did I do? I sat back and kept my mouth shut.

"Uh dude, why don't you make yourself useful and go put some rat poison in them old folks' Jello or visit the Garglers," offered Puck, turning on him in the front of the classroom.

"The _Warblers_," Kurt corrected him.

"Whatever. See what they're up to," he said. In my head, the last thing I needed was for Kurt to go visit my old school. What if he started sharing information? What if he told someone that I was in the glee club and they recognized the name? What if he actually met Blaine? I should've stood up for Kurt, but in that moment, I did what I do best. Nothing.

"Fine," Kurt said, taking his display board and leaving the room. I knew I should've run after him or said something to make him stay. But that would've looked too suspicious. I needed to make sure I appeared chill about it. I needed to be sure I looked like one of the guys. So I let him go.

That night, I was nervous as hell. I couldn't focus on my homework. I sat at the dining room table and my mind was anywhere but on the English assignment in front of me. My mom was sitting across the table reading a magazine as I did my work. I read the same line over and over in my English book before my eyes wandered around the room. And then it hit me. Something was different. I had noticed it a little bit over Halloween, but I never really caught it until that moment.

"Mom," I said looking around the dining room awkwardly. "You didn't decorate for Thanksgiving," I told her. "Or Halloween for that matter."

"I know," she responded barely looking up from her magazine. I didn't know who the woman was in front of me, but it definitely wasn't my mom. My mom _always_ decorated our house, especially around the fall. Up until this year, our house looked like it came out of _Home and Garden_. But as I looked around our dining room, nothing was decorated. Don't get me wrong, everything was clean and organized, but it didn't look like a catalog. Not like it had for years before.

"Did you just run out of time to decorate this year?" I asked, pushing for an answer. It was just too unlike my mother not to take the appearance of the house into account. Not when it was a constant show to display the picture-perfect home and family, the picture-perfect family I was saving by burying my secret.

"No," she said, finally putting her magazine down. She sighed before looking at me from across the table, brushing her blonde hair out of her face. "I just didn't think it was important. Really, it was our talk in the hospital that made me realize it."

"Realize what?" I asked with a questioning grin.

"That I was focusing on things that didn't matter," she answered. "You know for years I spent so much time trying to show everyone some perfect life that I had. I wanted everyone to look at our house or see our car or even our family and think how absolutely perfect it was. But after we talked in the hospital, I realized that by spending all that time keeping up appearances and creating this perfect image, I was losing out on living my life. I was missing out on enjoying time with you and being a mom for you." Her eyes got glossy and I could tell she was about to cry, something I barely ever saw her do.

"Oh," I said dumbly, not really sure what to say. She got up and walked around the table, sitting in the chair next to me, her arm resting on the back of mine.

"I was cleaning your room this weekend and I found a ring," she said. I looked up at her in surprise. She found the ring I planned on giving Quinn. Things were going so well and with all of the feelings from Dalton going away, I felt like it was good to make a solid commitment to Quinn. My mom pulled the box out of her sweater pocket and put it on the table. "It's for Quinn?" she asked, staring me in the eyes. I gulped and nodded slowly, not really sure how she was going to feel about it.

"It's just a promise ring," I explained. "I'm not proposing or anything."

"This is really sweet, Sam. But is it really what you want?" she asked, her eyes never leaving mine. I nodded again, looking back at her, feeling more like a child than I had in a long time.

"Yes, at least, I think it is. Quinn makes me happy. I want to show her that."

"I'm just afraid for you Sam. I don't want to see you miss out on something great because you have some idea of a perfect life that you can't make happen or because you're trying to be something you aren't." Her words cut through me. And I knew in my heart she was saying them out of love. But as much as I knew she wanted me to be happy, there was no way she could seriously understand the decision I had made. Or how I made it out of love for her. I just nodded again. "If you feel it's right," she said, sliding the small jewelry box under my hand, "then give her the ring." She put her hand on top of mine, her eyes unwavering. "But don't make the same mistakes that I did. Don't try to be anything you aren't just to look better than you are. I'll love you no matter what."

"I love you too, Mom," I said, giving her a hug. It wasn't something we did often, but it felt good. And even as I repeated my thoughts in my head, that it was better this way, all I thought about was Blaine.

The next morning, I found Kurt at his locker. I was determined to make sure I was still in the clear and my secret was safe. "So how was your trip to Delta?" I asked.

"Dalton," he corrected me with a stern look. "And my trip was fine, thank you very much," he said, closing his locker and walking toward his second period class.

"So what did you, like uh, do?" I asked, trying not to sound too interested.

"Look, I didn't spy on them," he said, turning on me. "So if you're trying to get information out of me, then I'm about to be a bigger disappointment than _Avenue Q _winning the 2004 Tony for Best Musical over _Wicked_."

"I don't know what that –"

"The point is," he interrupted, falling back into a strut down the hall, "there's nothing to tell. I saw them perform a song, I talked with some of them, and I left. Plain and simple. No nonsense, no spying, no juicy gossip."

"Sounds good man," I replied, convinced that he was more worried about me thinking he was a spy than finding anything out about me. "I was just wondering. And for what it's worth," I added, "your ideas for the mash-up competition weren't half bad." I cocked my head in a slight shrug and made a turn at the fork in the hallway. "See you later." As I walked away from him, I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew that, for now, I had kept everything under control. I could do this. I could keep this up. At least through sectionals. And then any tie I had to Dalton, physical or emotional, would be gone.


	26. The Ice Is Getting Thinner

**Chapter 25 – The Ice Is Getting Thinner**

_("The Ice Is Getting Thinner" by Death Cab For Cutie)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

A few weeks later, things with Quinn had never been better. We were getting closer and spending more time alone, which was actually kind of intimidating. When you're in a group setting, it's a little easier to keep your cool and kind of hide behind everyone else. And let's be real, with the big personalities in glee club, it wasn't hard to sit back and be invisible. But when we were alone, I had to be on top of things, had to make sure I didn't slip up. Quinn was opening up to me on all sorts of things. We were laying on my porch swing when she told me about her not-so-pleasant relationship with her father and she even talked about missing Beth. I felt sympathetic, but at the same time, I didn't feel the same things I felt when Blaine told me about his brother. It was different. I also couldn't help but feel bad I wasn't opening up the same way.

With two weeks to go until sectionals, Quinn pulled me aside in the hallway with a beaming smile on her face. "So you're taking me with you, right?" she asked.

"I'll take you anywhere," I responded with a smirk, pulling on the straps of my bookbag. "But where are we talking about again?" I added, laughing.

"To the wedding," she said, taking both of my hands from my bookbag straps and putting them in her own, swinging them back and forth. "Kurt's dad and Finn's mom are getting married. And the glee club is performing."

"So now we're getting paying gigs, huh?" I asked with another laugh. "Looks like New Directions is moving up in the world." She laughed a little, showing me her gleaming white teeth.

"So I don't have to worry about finding a date?" she asked, tilting her head with a flirty look.

"Not if I have anything to do with it."

"Excellent," she said before giving me a kiss on the cheek and winking at me with those sparkling hazel eyes. As she walked away, my mind went back to the ring in my bedroom, just waiting to be put on her finger. If my mind wasn't made up to give it to her then, it was after my talk in the gym with Finn that afternoon.

"Hey," Finn said, walking up to me. "Is that safe? With your shoulder messed up and all?" He pointed to me lifting some free weights, still feeling a little pain in my shoulder. Nothing I couldn't fight through. I had survived worse.

"It doesn't feel messed up to me," I told him. "But I'm healthy, I'm gonna be dying to get my job back." It was true. Ever since things with Quinn had taken off, I knew I would need to get that quarterback position back. The quarterback and cheerleading captain were a token couple at most schools.

"Well Coach Beiste isn't gonna replace me while we're winning," he said.

"You can't win every game," I told him, instantly sensing things were getting tense. I didn't want to start an argument. "Look, I still wanna be friends, it's just, I'm kind of on the cusp of being one of the most popular guys in school." That wasn't totally untrue. Like I said, dating the head cheerleader came with its perks.

"I uh, I didn't think you were the type that cared about that stuff," he said, a hint of disappointment in his face.

"Everyone does," I answered. "Being on top means you don't have to take crap from anybody, no teasing, no slushie facials." I could feel the anger in me rising up again. Not in a rage, but more in exasperation.

"Being quarterback isn't going to put you on top," he said, before challenging me. "Especially since you can't get Quinn to be your girlfriend." Again, my mind went to the ring. I was bound and determined to get it on her finger soon.

"I'm working on that too," I told him defiantly before offering a fist bump. I knew she couldn't say no. Things were going too well for her to say no.

The next day, I got my ass handed to me when she said no. Well, to be fair, she said maybe. But either way, I felt like a total asshole. It's not every day you're on your knees telling someone you love them and they flat out turn you down. I had done everything right too. I mentioned stars, girls loved that. The guy in _A Walk to Remember _even named a star after Mandy Moore! I got on my knees, I made a promise, the ring was awesome. I couldn't figure out why she would say no to me.

That night I laid in my bed thinking it all over. What went wrong? I clicked the box open and shut on my chest, listening to it clink over the white fabric of my t-shirt. Maybe she just didn't like me back. But that couldn't be it. She asked me to take her to the wedding. But that could be it too. The extra practice for the last minute wedding was wearing everyone down. Plus all the stress from trying to make sure Karofsky didn't turn Kurt into the next posterboy for gay hate crimes wasn't helping anyone. That could be it, she was just stressed. A relationship is a big commitment. Maybe she just thought she couldn't handle it. Still, I even told her I wouldn't do my Matthew McConaughey impression! That's a big sacrifice!

But it nagged at me for hours, sitting in the back of my head. _Maybe she knows. _I took a deep breath. There was no way she knew. She was too feisty. If I was sure of one thing, it was that if she knew, I would know. Still, I felt like I was getting so secure with her. In reality, I could feel the ice getting thinner.

The next few days went quickly. The wedding was barely a week away and I started going to more football practices. On top of it all, I tried to do what I could for Kurt in the hallway. I knew I couldn't take Karofsky by myself, but if I ever saw them in the same area, I'd pull Kurt aside and make up any excuse I could to keep him away from the bully. I tried to keep it cool and not make it seem like I was doing anything out of the ordinary, but Kurt called me on it.

"I know what you're doing, Sam."

"I don't know what you mean," I responded, watching him as he put in the combination for his locker.

"Look, you can't protect me forever. I've got to have courage. I've got to stand up to him. And it's not easy, but it's better than everyone trying to be a guardian angel." That's when I saw it. He opened his locker and a face stared back at me that made my heart leap.

"I'm just saying hi dude," I said, trying to keep my eyes off the photo hung on his locker door. As much as I tried, my eyes kept swinging back to it.

"Just don't get yourself hurt on my behalf," he said, piling more books into his locker. There was an awkward silence and Kurt looked up at me. "Okay?" he said.

"Sure," I said, before doing something very dumb. "So, who's the uh, who's the guy in the picture?" I asked. As the words were coming out of my mouth, my brain was screaming at me to shut the hell up. But my mouth was faster. Kurt swung back to look at the photo.

"Oh, that's Blaine," he said like it was nothing. "We met when I went to Dalton."

"Oh."

"Yeah," he continued, a smile creeping onto his face. The instant he mentioned Blaine, his whole attitude changed. It went from total sadness to complete joy. "He's gay. But like Clark Gable gay, not Clay Aiken gay. He's really been helping me with all of this."

"That's good," I replied, my mouth getting drier. "So are you guys, uh, you know, like –"

"Dating?" he interrupted, the smile getting wider. "No, not yet at least. But who knows what the future holds?" He slammed his locker shut and I instantly snapped out of it. "Look, I appreciate the help Sam, but I don't want you doing anything that will get you hurt. Like Blaine says, it just takes some courage on my part." He walked away, leaving me floored.

That was _my _thing with Blaine. _I _was the one who told him about courage. Blaine was supposed to be _my _problem, not Kurt's. I guess I couldn't expect Blaine to be single forever, but part of me always thought he was back at Dalton, still devastated from me leaving. And now it felt like he didn't even notice I was gone. The heavy feeling I had been avoiding came back in one big rush. It was the same feeling I had been so familiar with before I met Blaine. I hated it, but it hung over me all day.

After school I had double duty: football practice from 3-5 and then a night rehearsal for the wedding afterwards. We were working on "Marry You" by Bruno Mars and for as late notice as it was, the number was pretty easy. During the entire practice, I got all my rage out by working on my throwing. I didn't even care that my shoulder hurt the harder I threw. I couldn't believe Blaine moved on so quickly. I couldn't believe he told Kurt _my _idea about courage. And I was stuck here, still dreaming about him, still missing him, still lying to myself. I threw another ball hard on that last thought before falling and sitting on the grass. I caught my breath again, trying to keep my cool, but I felt all the anger boiling under me. There it was. I finally admitted it to myself. I missed him. I missed him a lot. And I was fighting it this whole time. The same anger I felt a few weeks ago in the gym was coming back. Anger at myself.

After practice, I got a shower and tried to calm down, but I could still feel it rising up under the surface. Things didn't help when Mike and Artie confronted Karofsky in the locker room. "Stop picking on Kurt!" Artie challenged him with Mike in tow.

"Do you mind?" Karofsky said, "I'm changing." My thoughts went wild. Like anyone would want to see _him _naked. Get over yourself. I continued changing, keeping my anger down. The confrontation went on and the more it did, the angrier I got. I had to physically hold myself back when Karofsky spat at them, "If he wants to be a homo, that's up to him. Don't rub it in my face!" I almost lost it. Rub it in your face? He was fucking living his life, just being himself. And somehow that's rubbing it in your face? I was breathing heavily and grabbed onto my locker to keep myself in check. But when I saw Karofsky shove Mike into Artie, it was all over. In an instant, my bullies at Dalton flashed in my head. I saw Derrik conning me into friendship. I saw Sean dumping my bookbag in the dumpster. I saw Cole snickering as he took my uniform. And I flew at Karofsky, punching him hard. He swung back, hitting my eye and before I knew it, he threw me back against the red lockers and I fell onto the floor. I was still swinging when Coach Beiste pulled him off of me. But my rage wasn't over. Even as she threw her body in between us, I lunged for him. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew I wanted to smash his face into a million pieces.

As the Beiste yelled at us, I straightened up and walked to the athletic trainer's office to get an ice pack before going to glee club practice, leaving the rest of the team in shock. I knew I should've been better, I should've kept my cool. But it was that kind of bullying, that kind of ignorance that sent me packing from Dalton. And the guy I missed.

I missed him. It was almost a relief to finally admit it. I missed him. I missed his eyes. I missed his hand in mine. I missed everything. But I shook myself out of it. It had to be this way. I had to put my happiness on hold to keep things on an even balance. It would be better this way.

Everyone in glee club made me feel like a hero for beating up Karofsky and my black eye was like a badge of courage. My mom wasn't so impressed. "What is _that_?" she asked, mortified at my bruise.

"It's nothing mom, I just got hurt at football practice." But I could tell she already knew I was lying. It was the look on her face I had seen before.

"Okay Sam, let's try again. And before you do, you should think long and hard about the fact that I got a call from your football coach today." She sized me up and I knew I was in trouble. I sat down on the dining room chair as she stood in the archway to the foyer.

"Okay," I surrendered. "I got into a fight today."

"And please tell me _why _you thought that was a good idea," she remarked, challenging me back.

"Look Mom, you don't understand what it's like at school. This guy," I trailed off, gritting my teeth. How was I supposed to tell her what I meant without _telling _her? "This guy is just, Mom, he's the worst kind of guy. And he won't leave my friend Kurt alone. He just keeps harassing him."

"Why?" she asked, moving toward me.

"Because Kurt's gay," I told her, trying hard to seem neutral about it all. "The whole glee club's been trying to protect him. And I had to stop Karofsky from hurting him." My mom stood in front of me, her arms still crossed.

"Sam, fighting isn't going to make him stop bullying."

"Well what else could I do?" I asked irritably.

"Almost _anything _else," she answered sharply. "You can't fight fire with fire. You have to be the bigger man. And frankly, I'm disappointed in you." I gave her an incredulous look.

"Are you kidding me?" I asked. "I was standing up for a kid who needed help."

"I'm not saying you didn't have good intentions Sam, but I expect better from you. A _real _man would've taken the high road. He would've had more dignity than to start swinging fists. And the part that upsets me the most is how you thought you would come in here and lie about it. I don't mind you standing up to a bully as long as you do it in the right way," she emphasized. "But don't you dare sit here and lie to my face. It's rude and dishonest and it makes me doubt my trust in you." I looked down at the carpet, my eyes trying to avoid hers.

"I'm sorry," I said. She took a deep breath.

"I want you to know that when these things happen, you need to be able to control yourself. And you need to be able to come to me with these problems and not bottle them up until they explode like this." I nodded, catching her eyes.

"Okay," I responded quietly. She stared me down for a few seconds before continuing.

"You're grounded," she said. "For a week. You have school, football, and glee club. Otherwise, you're in this house."

"Yes ma'am," I answered.

"I understand you had good intentions so you can still go to the wedding. But that's it."

"Okay," I replied, nodding.

"Get up to bed," she said. I got up from my chair and slunk up to my room, crashing on my bed. It sucked getting in trouble, but I had to give it to her. That was probably the best bit of discipline my mom ever handled.

Two days later, I was bored out of my mind and couldn't wait to get to the wedding. Turns out I didn't miss sitting around and watching movies as much as I thought I did. When the day of the wedding came, I was finally ready to get out of my house and go to some place that wasn't school. I felt happier than I had in a while, but there was still a nagging feeling in the back of my head that knew the happiness was only for a little while. I had to fight to keep my shit together when Kurt's dad gave his wedding vows. I watched him look at his bride like no one had ever looked at me before.

"I'm not really known for having a way with words," he began. "When you're a kid, adults will tell you a lot of things. One thing they neglect to mention is how sad life can be. I lost somebody I loved very much but Kurt, he lost his mom, and that killed me. We got by, but looking back I want to apologize to you Kurt. What we were living just wasn't living." I sat back and thought about the life I was living. And I knew I wasn't really living at all either. But I was scared to think what would happen when the ice broke and I was in over my head. Would I really be living then either?

"You know that saying, when God closes a door He opens a window? Well sometimes out of nowhere He'll do one better and kick a whole wall down. He grabbed me by the shoulders and He pointed me to this woman right here and He said, 'There she is, go get her.' You're everything Carole. Words can't describe you. You're everything and I will love you until the day I die." I looked down at my hands folded on my lap and couldn't help but feel that heaviness again. In that single moment, I felt sadder than I had in a long time. Usually I felt angry or even annoyed at my life. But right then, it was _sadness_ that washed over me and I tried hard to keep it together. I could feel my face going stone hard to keep from showing any emotion and eventually I caught Quinn's eye. She gave me a wink. I took a deep breath and relaxed. She kept me in check all night. I knew she had to be the one.

She proved it to me Monday morning when she met me at my locker. "Hi," I told her, a smile on my face. She held up a small bottle.

"Arnica," she said. "Twice a day. It'll help your bruise."

"Thanks," I said, taking it from her.

"I've been thinking a lot about what you did for Kurt," she said, leaning on the lockers. "It made a real impact."

"I thought the only impact that was made was Karofsky's fist impacting my face," I said with the same grin. I was happy to see her. She made me feel comfortable.

"You saw what Finn did at the wedding," she said, talking about his surprise performance for Kurt. "That was because of you." There was a slight silence, but I didn't even notice it. I was too taken in by her eyes. They were brighter, even happier than usual. "We've been talking this whole time and you haven't even noticed that I'm wearing your ring." I glanced over at her hand on the locker. The smile on my face got bigger.

"How'd you get that?" I asked playfully.

"I broke into your locker," she said laughing. "I've always been really handy with a nail file," she added.

"Really?" I replied softly. She amazed me. She was talented, beautiful, cunning. That's what I loved about Quinn. She always surprised me with what she could do. Who she could be. What she was capable of. As she walked away, I gave a slight jump of success, knowing I got the girl. I worked for it and I wasn't about to mess it up. Yes, I missed Blaine. But that was the past. And the girl walking down the hallway was my future. At least, that's what I thought at the time. But thin ice always breaks eventually.


	27. Still Fighting It

**Chapter 26 – Still Fighting It**

_("Still Fighting It" by Ben Folds)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

My first week dating Quinn wasn't the fairytale I imagined it would be. I spent more time preparing myself for the weekend's sectionals competition than anything else. The stress was eating away at me slowly. I knew I was going to see him, literally _see _him. I constantly checked in with Kurt online to see how things were going since he transferred to Dalton, mostly making sure he hadn't discovered my past there, with Blaine or anyone else. He told me how accepting everyone was, how he was never bullied. From the way he described it, I doubted if he actually made it to Dalton or if he got lost in Narnia on the way there. On top of all of that stress, I had to be prepared for Blaine to notice me during the competition. I was going to try to keep a low profile, avoid him as much as possible, stand in the back, and dance behind Finn who would hopefully be a road block. I even got a haircut and let the lemon juice fade. I didn't want to take any chances. All of that seemed to work until Mr. Schuester decided to showcase the winners of the duet competition. Yeah, me and Quinn were gonna have to sing another duet in front of the entire audience.

I went into panic mode, something I was pretty good at after being in it for a year. The stress was a lot to handle, but I tried my best to keep a cool head. Between school, football, and now even more glee club rehearsals to practice my duet with Quinn, I was busy. Before I knew it, we were loading onto the school bus on our way to Sectionals. I could feel myself getting nervous. But lucky for me, the rest of the glee club was about to explode faster than Darth Vader exploded Alderaan. They were fighting so much with each other they didn't even notice me fighting myself. Quinn had noticed something was wrong, but there was no way she could even begin to understand what I was going through.

"I can tell you're nervous, Sam," she said on the bus. "Don't be. It's just like _Lucky_. Except with a lot more people. But still, you'll be great." I looked up at her, giving her a half smile. "You're always great," she said. I leaned over and kissed her. She smiled, but the kiss felt fake to me. I just smiled back. When we got there, it was like my entire body was on high alert. We were ushered into a green room where we warmed up and practiced our songs one last time. I made up my mind before I got there to roll with the punches and stay out of my own head. It was too dangerous and I knew seeing him would be emotional enough without psyching myself out. Quinn and I sang through _The Time Of My Life _one last time in front of the glee club. Luckily, the choreography was practically nothing, so we didn't have to practice that. We had five minutes to relax before we had to be in the auditorium. I sat quietly in the green room trying to relax while I heard the new chick Lauren order Rachel to find her some Raisinettes or else she'd quit, meaning we couldn't compete.

"What are you looking at Ellen DeGeneres?" Lauren asked as she charged past me. Part of me wanted to let her quit just so I wouldn't have to perform and we could all go home. No harm, no foul. But I knew how much it meant to everyone else to do this, so I kept my cool and looked away. Finn spotted me from across the room and took a seat next to me.

"You ready?" he asked.

"I think so," I said nervously. "Does everyone always get this stressed out before competitions?" I asked, looking around at the green room which felt more like a battlefield.

"No," he said. "Tensions are just high with Rachel being…well, Rachel, ya know, since she didn't get her solo. And Lauren blackmailing us into being her bitch. And Brittany being nervous about dancing. She mentioned something about a comb before running away, but I just stopped trying." I laughed a bit.

"Yeah, I'll tell you what, it's the girls. And all their _drama_."

"Quinn seems pretty put together," Finn remarked looking over at her as she finished putting on her make-up.

"She's been the only thing keeping me sane." Finn turned to me and looked at me dead in the eyes. I never noticed how much taller he actually was, even sitting. But he felt very commanding in that moment.

"I know I've given you a hard time, but you need to know that this club is a family. We all went through a lot last year. I want you to be part of our family, but you're kinda the first new person who actually feels like you fit in. Just don't mess it up, Sam." I looked at him intently, taking in what he was saying. My jaw got tight and I was nervous, not really knowing where he was gonna go with this one. "We all look out for each other. Quinn had a hard year last year. Don't hurt her, because if you do, I'm right behind her. I've got her back."

"I'm not gonna hurt her dude," I answered. I thought of what could happen if she ever found out about my past, but I was too dedicated to keeping that behind me.

"I'm trusting you Sam. You're a good guy. Just don't mess it up," he said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Trust me, I messed it up big time today and look at me now. It's not worth it man," he added as he stood up. He put his fist out and I looked up, pounding it, before standing next to him. "Now, let's go see our so-called 'competition'" he remarked confidently as we filed out of the green room.

I caught Quinn in the hallway and took her hand in mine. She gave me her signature smile and as we reached the auditorium, I did my best to keep moving and avoid looking around. I had never been so aware of where my eyes were looking. We reached our seats and I sat between Quinn and Tina. My stomach was back in that same old balloon. But it wasn't a good feeling like before. It was nerves. We watched as some retirement home's glee club performed and then there was a short intermission. For the first time, I allowed myself a look around the auditorium. I saw a mass of blue jackets leaving the auditorium out a back door. Before I could pick out individual people, I turned back around in my chair. Quinn leaned over me to talk to Tina. I knew what she was really doing was avoiding a conversation with Lauren who was sitting on the other side of her. I sat quietly as they talked about the performance. Inside, I could feel myself getting worked up, but thankfully no one noticed. It was almost comforting to be invisible. The lights flickered and two minutes later we got quiet as the announcer came over the intercom.

"And now for our second performance of the program, from Dalton Academy in Westerville, the Warblers." The curtain rose quickly and before I could think, I spotted him. There was no denying it. The dark hair, the build, even the way he stood. My body couldn't process all of it before his voice flooded the auditorium. I felt myself shaking under my skin, my nerves getting the best of my body. Quinn leaned over and put her face close to mine.

"You okay?" she whispered. "You're shivering."

"Just cold," I said with a small smile before running my hands across my arms. She pulled herself closer to me, wrapping her hands around my arm. My head was spinning as the Warblers performed. Blaine led the group and gave the audience all of his humor, his charm, and his talent. It was unbelievable. I also saw Kurt on the stage. He looked scared, but excited at the same time. I was glad he found a place to go where he could at least be happy, even if I wasn't thrilled about him being so close to Blaine. So close to my past. They finished up their version of _Hey Soul Sister _and we barely had time to applaud before we were rushing back out to get ready for our performance.

The green room exploded when we got back. Finn and Rachel had a huge screaming match and I realized what Finn had been talking about earlier when he said he messed up. Santana stirred things up as usual and Mr. Schuester got angrier than I had ever seen him. It was kind of scary actually. He went on a serious rant to bring us back together. The last thing he said hit me like a boulder. "Get up there and for six minutes remind yourselves that you're not alone." I felt so torn over it. In that moment, when the rest of the glee club brought themselves together, I had never felt so distant. I saw what Finn talked about. The family they had created. I saw that even if things weren't great, they could come back together. It made me feel like I could even be honest with these people. On the other hand, telling the truth would make them hate me for lying, especially Quinn. I didn't have time to think about it much before we were hustling out of the green room and I reminded myself to stay out of my head. Quinn and I followed Mr. Schue through the now empty lobby while the rest of the glee club went through the stage door.

In a way, I felt better about performing than before. Sitting in the audience while Blaine was performing was surprisingly the hard part. I wouldn't have to see him when I was on stage. Not with all the lights and stuff. And then it'd all be over. I looked over at Quinn as I heard them announce us. As I stared into her hazel eyes, I felt a wave of comfort. The butterflies went away. I wasn't shaking. I felt calm. I had a job to do and I was gonna do it. She looked back at me shyly before I said "you look beautiful." With that, we went to our entrances and the music began. I stepped out and was hit by the spotlight. It all felt natural, like I had done it a million times. I noticed the mass of dark blue blazers sitting on my left farther up the aisle. My stomach twitched under me, but I kept myself in check. My eyes stayed on Quinn who was singing down the other aisle. Right when I snuck a glance at Mr. Schue, it happened.

I locked eyes with him. With Blaine. For that one split second, my green eyes met his hazel eyes. I felt my body being torn like a sick version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I fought to keep everything in check, but my heart was spinning. I kept myself calm, but it wasn't easy. My mind went crazy, wondering if he had noticed it was me. Wondering if he could see through me, see me going insane. _Oel ngati kameie_. He said it to me that day at our first tutoring session. _I see you. _I shook myself out of it and kept my eyes on Quinn as we got on the stage and finished the song.

For the rest of our performance, I focused on the music, the dancing, and nothing else. I knew I would totally screw it up if I thought about anything else. Dancing to _Valerie _pumped me up and I couldn't help but feel good afterward. Even if things didn't go exactly as I thought, I had kept myself together. At least enough to get through the performance. I had survived. And somehow, the glee club nailed it too! All I had to do now was wait for the judges to decide on a winner, get our trophy, and get on the bus. Easy enough. Life was good.

As the curtain closed, we all brought in a big group hug. Rachel was practically screaming she was so excited, Santana clung to Brittany with an actual smile on her face, and Mike and Tina were hugging tight. I saw Quinn out of the corner of my eye and scooped her into a hug, smiling wide. "We did it!" I yelled, spinning her around.

"Yes we did!" she said, giving me a smile in return. She leaned in and I kissed her through our smiles before Mr. Schuester came in and joined the celebration. We made our way into the hallway and began walking toward the green room. That's when I saw it. The group of blazer-wearing Warblers standing about ten, maybe fifteen feet away. I stopped suddenly and Quinn turned to me with a questioning look.

"I'm gonna run to the bathroom," I told her. "I'll meet you in the green room."

"Sam, there's bathrooms closer to the –"

"It's cool, I thought I saw one back here," I said, backing up in the opposite direction and turning around. I got to another hallway and took a sharp left before practically running. It was empty and the lights were dimmed. I slowed down and saw a small nook off to my right. It was only big enough for a water fountain, a small cushioned bench, and a door to a janitor's closet. The perfect place to hide out until the awards ceremony.

I took a seat on the bench before putting my head in my hands and taking a deep breath. I had survived it. I saw him in person, kept a low profile, and nothing blew up in my face. Over the past few days, I had worked up all the worst-case scenarios in my mind. The Warblers noticing me, booing me, or causing a scene so big I wouldn't be able to ignore it. But none of that happened. I got away with one passing glance. I saw black swirls behind my closed eyes and my head felt heavier as a wave of relief came over me. The only thing I heard was my breathing and the thump of my heart slowing down.

"Great duet."

I froze. I knew that voice. I looked up at a familiar face.

"Blaine." I stared at him standing over me. He was just how I remembered him. The same uniform, the same dark hair positioned just right to cover up his scar, the same hazel eyes that blew me away. My heart jumped as he started talking.

"You didn't think you'd see me again, did you?" he asked.

"I…uh…I don't know." I couldn't form words. I was still shocked that he was this close to me. An arm's reach away. Not a dream, not a random thought. He was physically in front of me.

"274 days," he said quietly, never taking his eyes off of me.

"What?" I asked him. My body felt like it was going through shock. My senses felt instantly heightened. I felt everything ten times stronger and each emotion hit me harder. I tried to start putting up the wall, but it was no use. Not with Blaine.

"It's been 274 days since you left me Sam," he said. Hearing him say my name out loud again sent a shockwave through my body, straight from my chest out to my fingertips. "274 days Sam."

"You counted?" I asked. My heart pulsed harder as he spoke and my guilt started to surge. He looked just as vulnerable as I felt, but the confidence I remember about him was still there.

"How could I not?" he asked. I stared back at him and felt a lump in my throat. The silence between us was so heavy I could practically taste it. The emotions I kept back for months were creeping up as he stared at me and I fought with everything I had to stop them. "Do you know how guilty I felt after you left? Do you have any clue how many nights I laid in bed beating myself up over making you leave?"

"What do you mean making me leave?" I asked. "Why would you feel guilty?"

"Because I didn't tell you what those guys were gonna do!" he said as his cool head began to disappear. "I knew they were gonna mess with you and I didn't even warn you!" The guilt that I felt exploded when I realized what was going on. This whole time he thought I left because of him. For 274 days, he felt just as guilty because he thought I thought he betrayed me.

"No!" I exclaimed, trying to keep my voice down. "No! Blaine, I didn't leave because of that," I explained, shaking my head. "I can't believe you thought that."

"What else was I supposed to think, Sam?" he asked getting louder. "I told you all of that and then you asked me to leave. So I did. And then you were _gone_ Sam!" he said, his voice breaking. "You literally fell of the planet." I could see him holding back. His lip quivered and tears started forming in his eyes. I held back just as hard, but the guilt I felt was getting overwhelming. "I went back to your room that night and it was empty. At first, I thought you –" He looked up and tried to hold the crying back, taking a deep breath before attempting to finish his sentence. "I thought you killed yourself Sam." That did it for both of us. He dropped in front of me, crouched down and buried his head in his hands. I let the tears that had been right behind my eyes drop quietly down my face. I looked at him, only seeing the top of his head as he sobbed. I leaned forward nervously and put a hand on his shoulder. I bent over and rested my forehead onto the top of his head. His hand shot up and clung to my arm.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, trying to ignore the wave of emotions that crashed over me as I made contact with him. "I'm sorry." I meant it too. I always felt sorry for what I did to him. But I had also been able to keep it hidden from myself. Out of sight, out of mind. It was different when he was right in front of me. I could _see _how I hurt him. And I couldn't even think of how scared he was when he thought I killed myself. With so many kids committing suicide, he had to be scared. His tears slowed down and I could hear him sniffling. He leaned back and moved slowly onto the bench next to me without looking at me. He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his blazer before looking back at me. I wiped my own tears away with my hand.

"I went to the dean and he told me you left that afternoon," he said, ignoring my apology and continuing his story. "So I called you and found out my number was blocked. I got on Facebook and you weren't on there either. I seriously had no way of finding you to explain myself. You were gone."

"I had to get away Blaine. From all of it. The school, the bullies, even you." I looked back at the ground, too embarrassed to look at him. "I realized I couldn't be with you. I couldn't live my life as the gay kid. I know you think that whole dumpster thing had nothing to do with me being gay, but I know it did. I know how the world works," I explained. "I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb."

Blaine shook his head. "Even if it was, how could you just run away from your problems like that?" he asked, still not understanding it. "How could you run away from _me_?"

"I spent the entire night in that dumpster, I seriously thought I was going to freeze to death, I was scared shitless, I didn't feel safe." I said, the words coming out in one big sentence. "And I knew if I wanted to be happy, I had to go. I had to stop pretending like everything was just going to be okay all of the sudden. It wasn't that easy." I could see him beginning to understand, but if I knew Blaine, it wasn't going to be enough.

"You couldn't even have told me?" he asked. "Given me a heads up? Anything?"

"I didn't think I could. Not without backing out of it," I replied before sighing. "I did what I had to do."

"So that's it?" he said sounding offended. "You 'did what you had to do?' And that's just enough for you?" I looked back at the floor, avoided his eyes, and nodded. "Wow," he said, shaking his head.

"It's been hard for both of us," I said. "But I know that if I want to be good enough for my family, for anyone really, I had to stop this whole thing I was doing."

"Gay, Sam. You're gay. Just say it. You want to stop being gay." I didn't answer. I stood up. "Don't walk away from me Sam," he said harshly.

"I'm not," I answered, pacing in the small bit of floor in front of him and taking a deep breath. This was the last thing I expected to do today. I was so sure I would be able to avoid him. I didn't want to have this conversation with him, not 274 days ago, not today, not never. But I owed it to him now. "I know I'm gay Blaine. And it took me a while to accept that. But I still can't do that to my family. To myself."

"So you're still fighting it?" he asked looking at me in disbelief and even disappointment. "Still fighting it with everything you have?" I gulped and my jaw got tight again.

"I'm not fighting anything. I'm just making my choice." I hesitated to tell him the next part, but blurted it out before I could think too much. "And I love Quinn."

"Quinn?" he asked, standing up now.

"She makes me happy," I continued with a stern voice. "She helps me be a better person every day and even though I might want to be with a guy, she's still great. I treat her like she deserves and she challenges me. It's not perfect, but it's _damn _good," I finished with gritted teeth.

"You're dating a girl? Sam! You're just hurting more people! You're lying to yourself and she's going to be devastated when she finds out you don't love her the way she loves you," he shouted. I moved closer.

"Keep your voice down!" I hissed. "She's not going to find out," I said in a low voice. "Nobody knows except for you."

"And what if I tell her?" he said, challenging me.

"You wouldn't do that," I answered, trying to sound like I really believed it.

"You wanna bet?" he shot back. I stared him down, sizing him up. Finally, I backed up, and leaned my arm against the wall.

"Blaine," I said, jaw tight. "I know you don't understand what I'm going through, but you have to promise me you won't tell anyone." He looked at me angrily. "Please," I added.

"You really love her?" he asked. I nodded. He shook his head. "You're wrong. You're going to hurt her, Sam. Maybe you'll get away with it for now, but eventually she's gonna see through the lies. And you're going to crush her."

"I love her Blaine. We don't need anything else."

"You loved me," he said.

"I know."

"We didn't need anything else."

"It's more complicated than that," I replied, seeing the corner I got backed into.

"But this isn't?" he asked incredulously.

"Blaine, I don't know what to tell you. But I know what's best for me. And I've made up my mind." He looked at me hesitantly before coming closer.

"Do me a favor," he said. "Just trust me," he added, leaning closer.

"Okay," I said. Slowly, I saw him lean into my face and before I could think, his lips touched mine in one slow kiss. Sparks shot up my spine and my body lit up in flames. He sent a familiar rush through me and I felt more complete, more alive, more content than I had in an eternity. The feeling reached down and grabbed my soul, holding on tightly. Without warning, his lips weren't there. I opened my eyes and saw him looking back at me, his hazel eyes brighter than ever.

"You feel anything?" he asked. I stared back.

"Nothing," I lied.

"Blaine!" A voice came from behind me. I whipped around to see Kurt in his Dalton uniform. "Where have you been?" He caught my eye and did a double take. "Sam! Do you…know –"

"Just getting a drink of water," Blaine said. "Ran into one of your old classmates. Tells me you're a pretty impressive singer." Kurt lit up.

"You really said that?" he asked. I shrugged with a fake smile I pulled out of my back pocket. "Thank you! Well we better get back. They just made a five minute warning."

"Sure," said Blaine. "It was nice meeting you…" he said trailing off.

"Sam," I answered. He nodded.

"Nice meeting you Sam," he said, giving me a handshake. He held on for a second longer than I expected and shot through me with his blazing hazel eyes. "Good luck Sam." It wiped the smile right off my face.

"Um, thanks," I replied. "Yeah, uh, you too." Kurt looked awkwardly at both of us before pulling Blaine away.

"Let's go loverboy. He's straight," Kurt added, rolling his eyes and leaving me behind in the nook. I fell back against the wall and took a deep breath. The rush of emotions that came over me was overpowering, but I didn't have time to think about them. I had to get back to the glee club. I didn't want to leave that small nook. It was the only place that my time with Blaine had been revived, even for only a few minutes. I can't believe I told him I felt nothing. Nothing. After the kiss we shared. I knew one thing. I was still fighting it.


	28. Sorry

**Chapter 27 – Sorry**

_("Sorry" by Maria Mena)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

We ended up tying Sectionals with the Warblers, which meant seeing Blaine one more time at Regionals. Though after our talk in the hallway, I had a feeling he wouldn't want to see me again. It was a relief that we got to move on past Sectionals, but I was stressed after the whole day. I spent the entire competition psyching myself out and hiding from Blaine and he ended up finding me anyway. On the bus ride back home I sat by myself. Quinn was busy talking to Santana about her solo two seats ahead of mine, so I propped my legs up and took up the whole seat, my mind on nothing but Blaine.

He thought I killed myself. That's what tore me up the most. This whole time I kept telling myself I did what I needed to do, that I was doing it for my family, my friends. But I knew the truth. It was who I was. And I was fighting it because I was afraid. I was afraid of being weak again. I was afraid that the truth would make me a target. I was afraid that just when my parents began to really change, really accept me, they would turn me away. I was afraid of it all. But I wasn't just hurting myself. I was hurting Blaine. He endured 274 days of nothing but sadness. I know how that feels and I put him through it. The one person who ever saw past my bullshit, the one person who knew me in and out and loved me anyway. I was hurting Quinn. As much as I wanted to be that guy for her, I would never be good enough. She deserved someone who could respect her enough to be 100% honest. I was hurting my family by lying to them. My parents worked so hard the past few weeks to make our relationship better, even my dad who had been away on business more often than not. And I was sitting down each night lying to their face. I was hurting my friends too. Maybe they weren't the most popular people, but the glee club had been better friends to me than anyone, except for Blaine. But he was different.

As the bus pulled to a stop in the school parking lot, my mind was still reeling. I wanted to just turn back time and be honest from day one. Put away all the bullshit, the fake letterman jacket, the football team, the lemon juice in my hair. I wanted to go back to my first day at McKinley and be me. But it was too late. How could I stop the lie now without hurting anyone?

I was lucky because I only had two days of school the next week before Thanksgiving break. At Thanksgiving dinner, my mom kept it low-key. It was just the three of us. Even though she didn't ask me to, I got dressed nicer than usual. She wasn't all hell-bent on the picture perfect Thanksgiving, but I knew it would make her happy to meet her halfway.

After we sat down and said a prayer, we dug into our meal. "You'd be amazed at how hard it is to cook for three," my mom said taking a spoonful of mashed potatoes. "They only sell Thanksgiving food in quantities large enough to feed small villages." I laughed out loud and my mom laughed with me. I glanced across the table and that's when I saw it. A glimmer in her eye I hadn't seen since I was a kid. A single thought ran across my mind when I saw that happiness in her face: _You don't need to hide from them. _My dad looked over and smiled as he passed the cranberry sauce. It was the happiest I had been with my family.

"Okay," my dad said in the middle of our meal. "I know we don't ever do this, but this year's given us a lot to be happy about. So I want us to go around and name one thing we're thankful for."

"Honey, really?" my mom asked, almost embarrassed. "That's so –"

"So what?" my dad interrupted.

"Yeah Mom, so what?" I asked. "I think it's a fun idea." She turned a bright shade of pink before waving her hand.

"Okay, okay. Um…I'm thankful," she said, pausing to think. "I'm thankful for an angry 250 pound football player who tackled my son. His rage caused the accident that brought me to my senses," she continued, trying not to cry. I looked across the table giving her a smile. "And brought me closer to my family." I nodded before lifting my glass with a smile.

"Alright," my dad said. "I'm thankful that for the first time in years, we're all living under the same roof, we're happy, and we're together. We're even spared from a runaway teen on Thanksgiving." I looked down with a slight grin as both of my parents looked at me with their eyebrows raised.

"Okay, I'm sorry," I said, trying not to laugh. My stint from last year's Thanksgiving still wasn't totally forgiven by my grandmother, but a year later it seemed kind of funny. "So I guess it's my turn?" I asked. "I'm thankful for the people in my life," I explained. "The family I have, even if it's small. The friends I made this year. And the uh, the people who influenced me. So…yeah." I finished a little less smoothly than I would've liked, but I got the point across. My mom gave me a wink across the table and my dad smiled at her. For the first time in a long time, I felt like even though my world was going crazy, I could depend on my parents.

The day we got back from Thanksgiving break, I was dreading getting into the routine of things again. I went on break knowing I'd have plenty of time to think about everything, but by the time I walked into school the next week, I had barely thought of any solutions to my problems. I knew I really wanted to be honest with everyone. Get out of the lie. But it was probably going to be easier to do it slowly rather than with one big, dramatic revelation. The whole situation was a huge cloud over my day and when I got to glee club, things didn't get any better. I walked in and saw Mercedes and Santana standing by the piano.

"Hey Mercedes," I said, swinging my bookbag off my shoulder.

"Don't 'hey Mercedes' me!" she snapped at me before turning back to Santana.

"What?" I asked her, thrown off by her attitude. Santana swung around her and slunk toward me on the prowl.

"I always knew those lips were good for more than singing," she said before taking her seat. Before I could figure out what was going on Puck walked in. I glanced over at him and before I could talk, he shook his head.

"Not cool dude. Seriously, not cool." Why was everyone acting so weird? There was no way that they could know about me. I was too careful. I instantly started doubting myself and I could feel my body getting tense. As Tina and Mike came inside followed by Finn, I knew something was up.

"How could you do that man?" Finn asked, shaking his head. "I told you not to mess it up." I was done. Everyone was being shady, but nobody was explaining anything.

"Anyone mind telling me what's going on?" I asked standing up to face everyone. Before anyone could answer me, I heard someone enter the room. By the time I turned around to see who it was, I was slapped hard across the face.

"How could you do that to me?" Quinn yelled. I whipped my head back and gave her a shocked look.

"I don't know what you're –" She slapped me again before yelling back.

"Stop lying!" I faced her again and caught the look in her eyes. There was no doubt now. She knew. "How long have you been lying to me?" I exhaled and my body went from feeling wild to numb in five seconds. It was over. All the lies, all the hiding, it was all over. I had wondered what this would be like. The moment when everyone found out. It felt so much worse than I imagined, but strangely familiar, like I had lived it a million times before. I tried to stay calm and see if I couldn't save this one last time.

"Lying about what?" I asked as calmly as possible, my face still stinging from her blows.

"Dude, stop it," Finn said. "We all know about you. We know you went to Dalton."

Rachel walked in at that exact moment and caught Finn's remark.

"He's a spy!" she exclaimed. I guess that was one person who didn't know yet. Everyone looked at her awkwardly, but ignored her like always.

"Who told you I went to Dalton?" I asked Finn, still trying to stay calm.

"Kurt found out about you and that Warbler kid. He told me about you and Blaine," he said.

"And you told everyone?" I asked.

"No, I only told Puck."

"Yeah, and I told Santana," Puck said, jumping in.

"I only told Brittany and Mercedes," said Santana throwing her hands up.

"And I told Lord Tubbington. So he might tell Perez, just warning you." Finally Quinn turned back to me.

"And Mercedes told me," she said, throwing daggers at me with her eyes. I took a deep breath and sat down on the chair. "So it's true?" she asked quietly. I looked at the floor. It was now or never. I could either try to claw my way out of this with more lies or I could just come clean. The room was dead silent and I could only hear my own breathing. Finally, I spoke up.

"I went to Dalton, yeah. And I, uh, I had something with him," I confessed. I looked up at her. "But – " Before I could keep going she cut me off.

"I _knew _it," she hissed at me. "It all makes sense. You told me about the all-boys boarding school. And you were _shaking_ when they were performing at Sectionals!" she said, pointing her finger in my face. I dropped my head, still embarrassed this was actually happening. The life I spent months obsessing over was shattering around me. "Say something!" she yelled. I could feel everyone staring at me. My body felt like it was going into shock. I was sweating and I just wanted it all to end. All of it, feeling like shit, lying, hiding.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly, not daring to look up.

"Sorry? You're not sorry, Sam. You're an asshole," she said harshly before taking off her ring and throwing it at me. "So congratulations. You've succeeded in making me feel _worse _about myself than I already did. You couldn't pick someone else's life to fuck with?" she asked before storming out of the room. I leaned over and picked up the ring from the floor. Nobody said a word. I slid the ring in my pocket and turned around. I was surprised at how I kept myself together. I thought I would be a mess if anyone found out, but instead, I just felt numb.

"I'm – "

"Don't," Finn interrupted. "You should just go. We don't want you here." There it was. The only real friends I had. Gone. I blew it. I didn't fight him on it. I gulped and looked back at the floor before grabbing my bookbag. I walked out of the room, more humiliated than I had ever been in my life. More humiliated than after the dumpster even. It was all over and I fucked it all up.

The ride home felt longer than usual and my mind didn't stop. I left Dalton to start new, make a better life. And somewhere along the way I realized this new life wasn't as good. I lost Blaine. I lost Quinn. I lost all of my friends. Once the news really got out, my social life would be dead. I unlocked the side door to the sun room and slid my shoes off on the rug. I knew I had no one anymore. I had never felt so alone. Never.

"Hey mister," my mom said as I walked through the living room on my way upstairs. She was sitting on the couch watching TV and I stopped. The warm smile she had when I walked in faded. "What's the matter baby?" she asked, knowing something was wrong. That was all it took. The moment I wondered about for months was finally happening. I shattered. I practically ran across the room and began to bawl as I fell into my mom's arms and dug my face into her side. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and sat up a bit to make room for me sprawled across the couch. "Sam, what's wrong?" she asked again. I tried to get words out through my crying, but it wasn't easy. Finally, I said it for the first time since that morning in the gym.

"Mom," I started, still crying. "I'm…I'm gay," I said with my face buried into her body.

"I know baby," she replied, running her fingers through my hair. "I know," she repeated. I couldn't stop my crying. After everything, I was broken. She rocked me back and forth gently.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I wanted to tell you…I just…I…"

She shushed me. "I know, Sam, I know. It's okay," she said kissing the top of my head as I cried. After all this, she knew. That made me cry even more. It was the kind of cry you only have once in a long time. The kind of cry that comes from so deep inside you that you didn't know you had it in you. After what felt like forever, my crying stopped and I laid in my mom's arms as she stroked her fingers through my hair.

"Everyone knows, Mom. Everyone found out," I told her. "I lost all my friends," I said staring at the wall. I was exhausted from the day and felt the weight of the world falling off my shoulders as I talked to her about it. She was the first person I talked openly about it other than Blaine. It felt weird hearing the words fall out of my mouth like they were nothing, but it felt right. I knew I could trust her.

"How did they find out?" Then it hit me. She never knew about Blaine. I finally spilled out the whole story. Everything, from Blaine becoming my tutor, to us dating, to me going back to Dalton on Thanksgiving, to breaking up. I told her about the dumpster and how I tried to reinvent myself. I think I spoke more to her in those ten minutes recounting my story than I had in months. She sighed before getting up. "I don't think all of your friends will leave you, Sam."

"Mom, you didn't see the way they all looked at me."

"They're just upset you lied. They aren't mad about you being gay," she said. Her lip twitched awkwardly as though she wasn't used to the words coming out of her mouth. "And if they are, then they aren't very good friends anyway." I sat up and looked at her.

"I don't know what I'm going to do," I told her.

"Start by apologizing," she said. "It's the first step to forgiveness." I took another look at the floor before she sat back down. "Sam, I need to say this." She put two fingers under my chin and moved my head to face her. "There is nothing that you can be and nothing that you can do that will make me love you less. You are my son and I will love you no matter what." I think if I hadn't already cried out all of my tears, I would've started again. Hearing her say those words meant the world to me. If you had told me that I would be sitting in my living room talking to my mom about being gay and she'd be cool with it, I would think you were crazy. But I guess life has a way of surprising you.

"I love you Mom," I said giving her the biggest hug I had ever given anyone.

"I love you too baby," she replied returning the hug. She got up quickly as we broke apart and wiped her eyes. "Alright, I'm gonna make some dinner. What are you hungry for?"

"I'm not really hungry yet," I told her giving a small smile. "I wanna go take a nap," I said getting up.

"Okay," she said nodding. "I'll make dinner a little later then." I smiled again and made my way into the foyer. At the bottom of the stairs I stopped and turned to her.

"Oh Mom, can you not tell Dad?" I asked her. "I want him to hear it from me and I'm not really ready to tell him yet," I explained. She nodded.

"Whatever you need," she said.

"Thanks," I said before trudging up the steps and turning the corner into my bedroom. When I got there I shut the door, threw my hoodie off, and stepped out of my jeans before crawling into bed. As I pulled the covers over me, I sunk into my bed and my muscles went numb as I fell asleep.

When I woke up, it was dark. I glanced over at my clock and saw it was only a few minutes after seven o'clock. I pulled myself out of bed and walked across the floor, picking up my jeans and stepping back into them. My nap was longer than I thought, but I still felt tired. I walked into my bathroom and ran my fingers through my hair. As I splashed my face with cold water, I heard the doorbell ring. I didn't know who could be ringing a doorbell this late, but then again this entire day was anything but ordinary. I wiped my face off with a towel and walked into the hallway, peering down the banister into the foyer and saw something I never expected. Standing with my mom was Blaine. He had a hoodie and jeans on, far from the Dalton uniform I was used to seeing him in. His hair was messed up the way he used to have it on our weekends together.

"Sam," my mom called up. "You have someone who wants to see you," she said, giving me a mischievous look.

"Hi," he said looking up at me with his hands dug into his coat pockets. Yeah, there was no way this day could get any crazier.

"Hi," I replied dully.

"Well are you going to come downstairs?" my mom asked after a few seconds of awkward silence. I still couldn't believe he was here. In my house. It was so surreal. I had always kind of kept the two lives separated in my mind.

"Uh, yeah," I said shaking myself out of it.

"Did you eat yet Blaine?" my mom asked him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Oh, uh, no, but I'm okay," he said, too polite to make a scene over it.

"It's okay, I have some leftover chicken from dinner. Sam didn't eat either," she said as I walked down the stairs.

"Thank you," he said with a smile. My mom turned toward the kitchen door and gave me a wink as she passed me.

"We can go into the sunroom if you want," I said quietly, still amazed he was actually in my house.

"Sure," he replied following me through the living room and out the double doors.

"How did you find my house?" I asked him, throwing my coat aside to make room on the couch.

"Come on Sam, everyone knows the Hufflepuffs live off the kitchen corridor." A Harry Potter joke. Amazing. Even in the middle of my world crashing down, he could still find a way to make me smile. Even if it was only a small smile. "I heard you had a rough day."

"Yeah," I replied as I sat on the couch. "But I've gotten pretty good at those." He sat next to me, but didn't say anything. We sat quietly for a moment before I looked at him. "Why are you here?" I asked him innocently.

"Kurt told me what happened. He went to talk to Finn about it. I wanted to come here and make sure you were alright."

"But I treated you like shit," I said, moving my eyes to the floor.

"I know," he said. "But I care about you Sam. And I did the same thing." I looked up, catching his eyes again with a questioning look.

"I don't know what you mean."

"I ran away too, Sam. From my old school. I know what it's like to be scared enough to run away from my problems. I just got lucky enough to come to Dalton where things worked out for me."

"You never told me about your old school," I replied. It was true. Somehow in the seven months we were together at Dalton, he never brought it up.

"I know. I don't talk about it a lot. The point is that I understand why you left, even if I didn't like it." He took a deep sigh like he finally got something off his chest.

"I'm really sorry Blaine. Seriously, I feel terrible for all of it," I said quietly. "I know I can't make it up to you, but I just want you to know that. I'm sorry."

"I forgive you," he replied before taking my hand in his. "It's all gonna be okay."

"Thank you." I didn't feel like I deserved his forgiveness. Not after erasing him from my life. At the same time, it felt good to know I didn't lose him completely. "I don't know what to do," I admitted. "They were so mad at me." I sighed before looking up at him. "I don't think they're going to be so forgiving."

"You know I actually thought of you the other day. I was reading a book for my history class and I came across this quote," he explained. It felt just like old times when he was my tutor. "Winston Churchill said 'If you're going through hell, keep going.' I don't know, it just made me think of everything you were going through at Dalton. And me back at my old school. How I wish I had just kept going."

"I don't know how to keep going. Not when everyone hates me. If no one wants to even see me, I'm kind of stuck."

"You keep going one day at a time. Just apologize and show them who you really are," he replied, shrugging. "Not the made up version. And can I let you in on a secret?" he whispered, leaning in to me. "I think they'll like the _real _Sam Evans a lot better." I smiled a bit and he grinned back. "There's always a smile in there somewhere." I pulled my lips tight trying to hide the smile, but it was no use. "Well whatever you do," he said, sitting back in the couch. "Just don't run. Don't make the same mistake twice." I nodded.

"I won't," I promised, still giving him the smile I tried to hide. My mom came into the sunroom from the kitchen with two plates of grilled chicken, corn, and mashed potatos.

"Here you go boys," she said, putting the plates down on the glass coffee table.

"Thank you so much Mrs. Evans," Blaine said politely.

"Thanks Mom," I replied.

"Everything going okay?" she asked, giving me a sideways glance.

"Even better now that we have food," said Blaine with his usual charm.

"Okay, well if you need anything let me know," she said. "I'll be right here in the living room. Just right through that door," she said, pointing awkwardly.

"Okay Mom," I said embarrassed. "Thank you." She left through the double doors pulling them closed. She peered in through the door's glass panes before I turned around and caught her eye, causing her to rush away.

"Your mom isn't as bad as you made her out to be," Blaine remarked, taking a bite of his food. I laughed and began to fill him in on how things changed with my parents. Before I knew it, we were talking like we were back in my dorm at Dalton. He caught me up with his life including his parents finally making serious attempts to move closer. He even talked about _Avatar _with me. It felt so natural, like those 274 days apart didn't even happen. As I took one last bite, I put my empty plate on the table and leaned back on the couch. I looked across at him, still amazed he was here.

"Can I ask you something?" he said suddenly getting serious.

"Sure."

"When I kissed you a few weeks ago, you really felt nothing?" he asked shyly. I could see him blushing, but I didn't call him on it. Instead I sighed before telling him the truth.

"Actually, it blew me away. Honestly, over the past few months I've dreamt of doing that more than once and I was more surprised it was actually happening." He smiled, looking away from me.

"Well I hope I didn't disappoint," he replied, still avoiding my eye.

"Can I ask _you _something?" I said, turning it back on him.

"Always," he answered in that way that still made my stomach flutter.

"You and Kurt?" I said simply.

"Are friends," he said, finishing my sentence. "He's great. I've never met someone with so much passion and drive for something. But, I don't know, I feel more like a mentor to him than a romantic interest." I nodded, secretly happy, but also feeling bad for Kurt. I knew he was into Blaine and I couldn't imagine our past getting out made him feel better about it. "You and Quinn?" he asked.

"Are currently on the rocks…to put it lightly," I finished. I sighed before spilling it out. "Don't get me wrong, Quinn is amazing," I said. "She's smart and super talented and like _really_ beautiful. But, well, she's not you. She doesn't watch movies with me or let me be the little spoon or ask me how I'm feeling. It's just not the same. Besides," I said offhandedly, "I doubt she'll ever talk to me again." I gulped before I asked the next question, my mouth getting dry. Before I could stop myself, I asked it. "You and me?" Blaine thought for a moment and gave me that look he gave me on our first date at the restaurant. The look he gave me before telling me about his brother during Christmas. It was the look that he was sizing me up, trying to figure me out.

"Are going to take things one day at a time," he answered confidently. "It's not that I don't trust you Sam, but things…things are crazy for you right now and I think you are going to be an amazing person once you get over this. Well, I mean, more amazing than you already are. But I don't want you to be held down in anything while you're trying to work all of this out." He moved closer to me and took my hand again. "I'll do whatever I can to help you and I still care about you a lot. But let's just take things one day at a time." I nodded, staring back into his hazel eyes. They were honest, sincere. I could tell he would be there for me.

"I can do that," I said smiling. I leaned in and wrapped my arms around his shoulders giving him the same hug I gave to my mom earlier that afternoon. The kind of hug that means something. "Thank you," I whispered before resting my mouth on his shoulder.

"Always," he replied softly in my ear. Between my mom and Blaine, I had gone from feeling like the world was beating me into a pulp to feeling like I could overcome this thing after all. It wasn't going to be easy and I'd have to take small steps. But I had to start somewhere.

The next day after school I found myself back in front of the glee club. "Okay guys," Mr. Schue said before I came into the room. "I know things have been hectic between the holidays and…other things that have come up. But we preach respect and acceptance all the time. So we're going to show some respect. Sam, come on in," he said. I walked into the choir room, my stomach doing jumping jacks with nerves. Quinn's eyes darted away from me and Puck and Finn stared at the floor. Santana's hand shot into the air.

"Mr. Schue, I get the whole peacemaker thing you're doing, but he lied to my girl here. Even with those Macaulay Culkin lips and sultry Jason Mraz voice, we don't need him. He straight up lied."

"Like that time you lied to Puckerman about when you peed your pants in his mom's bedroom?" Brittany whispered.

"That was _you_?" Puck shot across the room. "Great Santana, you're the reason my parents busted me for the whole party."

"Why don't we get back on focus?" Mr. Schuester said, shaking his head. "And yes Santana, he deserves for us to hear him out. Take it away Sam," he said. I nodded and gave him a quick smile.

"Well, uh, I just wanted to start by saying I'm sorry." The words came out softer than I had imagined them in my head all day. Actually, none of it sounded as good I hoped it would. But it was a start. "I messed up and I lied. At Dalton, I got harassed for being gay and uh, I was scared. So I ran away from my problems and transferred. You guys know how bad it gets, I mean Kurt had to do the same thing." I cleared my throat and caught Mercedes' eye. "I know it's not the same, but like I said, I was scared. I didn't want to be bullied again so I lied. And I tried to be cool or whatever." I sighed before continuing. "You guys are the best friends I've ever had and I'm sorry I made you lose trust in me. Especially you Quinn," I said, looking at her. She glanced up from the floor, but still didn't look at me. "I hurt you more than anyone and I can't tell you how sorry I am. I uh, I hope you all can forgive me eventually, but I know that uh, trust is something hard to earn back after you've lost it. But I'm going to leave you guys alone and if you think you can trust me again, I promise I won't let you down." Finally I sighed, taking a deep breath. "So uh, yeah. I just…needed to apologize. I'm truly sorry." Nobody said anything. I didn't want to wait for Mr. Schue to force answers out of them, so I picked up my books from the piano and backed up. "Thanks for hearing me out," I said before turning around and leaving the room.

"Sam…" Mr. Schue called after me. But I didn't turn around. I said what I needed to say. The ball was in their court. I made the first step. I said I was sorry.


	29. Here Comes The Sun

**Chapter 28 – Here Comes The Sun**

_("Here Comes The Sun" by Colbie Caillat)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

As fast as I went from feeling down in the dumps to feeling confident, I fell back down. It wasn't that I thought I couldn't fix this. It was that it was such a big problem that I didn't even want to begin to tackle it. Part of me was hoping the glee club would be as quick to forgive me as Blaine was, but none of them really talked to me the next day. Mercedes caught my eye in the hallway and I think she smiled at me a little, but she looked away too fast for me to be sure. The whole day felt very lonely, even with Miss Pillsbury taking me to her office to let me talk about everything going on. I didn't really say much, but she at least made the effort. Things at home didn't get much better. My mom was visiting my dad through the weekend in Chicago and I had the house to myself. Usually I would love that, but with everything going on, I would've like some company.

When Thursday morning rolled around I decided school wasn't going to happen and spent the day in sweats and a t-shirt doing a whole lot of nothing. I kept my mind off of everything by lounging around in the living room with a Harry Potter movie marathon and jacking my body up with Captain Crunch. Friday wasn't very different except it was a Star Wars marathon and a lot of Doritos. And by Monday morning when I woke up to the doorbell ringing, I had successfully spent the entire weekend with junk food and movies, barely getting up from the living room couch, even sleeping there. I was going to hate myself later for it, but a few trips to the gym would set me back on track. And at this point, I was happy with anything that would take my mind off of having to go back to school on Tuesday when my parents were both home.

I kicked my legs off the couch and threw my comforter on the floor. As I walked across the cool hardwood floor, I rubbed my eyes and shook myself awake before unlocking the door and swinging it open.

"Oh shit," the girl said looking surprised. "Okay, let's get inside before anyone sees you." Before I knew it, Quinn was pushing me into the foyer and shut the door behind her.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. She was the last person I expected to be in my house, apart from Blaine I guess. She looked around and glanced back at me.

"Sam, we haven't seen you in days. And what's that smell? Have you been showering?" she asked with a terrified look on her face. She began running her fingers through my blonde hair trying to keep it down and I just stared at her dumbly, not really sure what to say. I still couldn't figure out why she was here. "Okay, go upstairs and get a shower and I'm going to start cleaning up down here." She took off her coat and put it on the end of the bannister before running her fingers over the hem of her navy blue blouse.

"I'm still confused," I told her. "What are you doing here?" I repeated.

"Well I noticed you weren't at school again so I snuck out at lunch to come drag you back," she said.

"Wait, what time is it?" I asked, looking around for a clock.

"A little bit after 12," she replied. "Look, shower now, talk later, okay?" Before I could object, she moved into the living room and began clearing off the coffee table of dishes and food wrappers. I stumbled up the steps and into my room, shutting the door behind me. I wasn't ready for this much craziness in my life, but I wasn't about to fight with her.

After a shower, I felt awake, my hair was somewhat cooperating, and I didn't smell like my gym bag. I walked into my room and got dressed, throwing on jeans, a long sleeve shirt and the blue t-shirt I got slushied in when I met Quinn. At the bottom of the stairs I peered into the living room which looked like it was magically clean. The sunlight came in through the open window blinds and made everything look whiter. I heard the water running in the kitchen and slid through the swinging door to see Quinn washing dishes. She turned around and gave me a small smile. "Mind drying these?" she asked, motioning with her head to a stack of clean dishes in the drying rack. I grabbed a towel and started on the dishes, standing beside her.

"So can we talk about why you're here?" I asked, my voice barely making sound. She continued washing dishes and bit on the inside of her cheek before answering me.

"We just haven't seen you or heard from you in days. You didn't even update your Facebook!" she said. I laughed a bit and I saw the edges of her lips curl up in a small smile. "Don't make fun of me!" she said, a bigger smile breaking free. "I know that sounds like a dumb white girl problem, but it's true. Did you think nobody was going to notice you were missing?"

"Missing? I knew where I was the whole time," I replied sweetly. She put the last dish on the drying rack before turning to face me.

"I came to bring you back to school," she said sitting on a stool by the island counter. "We're having this assembly this afternoon and I wanted you to come with me."

"Oh," I muttered.

"And I also wanted to say I'm sorry. I didn't react well to everything that happened and it was classless and really judgmental of me."

"Don't apologize," I said putting away the last dish and sitting next to her. "I really screwed up and you didn't deserve to be hurt like that. You responded like any girl would have. Better even," I admitted. "Most girls would've gone crazy."

"Mercedes threw a brick through Kurt's windshield when she thought he didn't like her," Quinn said matter-of-factly.

"See," I replied with a grin. "My car's totally intact," I said before stopping suddenly, my face getting serious. "Right?" I asked her. She laughed a bit.

"Yes, your car is fine." I breathed a sigh of relief and she glanced back over. "Still, I'm sorry. I uh, I know what it's like to be scared. And to lie about it," she said. "But that was then," she continued as she perked up. "And this is now. So we're going to call this one a lesson learned and move on with our lives." I smiled at her and looked into her hazel eyes.

"You really are incredible," I said.

"You are too Sam. You know, you never had to lie to me. I would've loved you just the way you are," she replied.

"Ah! Get over here," I growled, pulling her in for a hug. She laughed and hugged me back. "Thank you," I said quietly. We broke our hug and stood up, pushing the stools under the counter. "So what's this assembly about anyway?" I asked.

"You'll see," she replied with a sneaky look on her face. "It's a surprise." I grabbed my bag and we drove to school, Quinn practically racing through the streets to make it back in time. We barely made it and snuck in through the courtyard door before walking to the gym. The bleachers were already full, but we spotted two seats in the front row. I looked up and noticed hundreds of eyes facing my way. I instantly got nervous, but Quinn grabbed my hand and pulled me to our seats. "Come on Sam, don't worry," she said. We sat down just as Principal Figgins got to the microphone.

"If I could have everyone's attention," he said with his thick Indian accent. "We're going to get this assembly under way so if everyone could please be quiet." The talking died down and Figgins spoke into the microphone. "It has come to my attention from several staff and students that our school has a severe bullying problem." I glanced over to Quinn who shot me a quick, but reassuring smile before nodding to Principal Figgins. "So today we're going to be kicking off our new anti-bullying program with an assembly followed by in-class discussions in your homerooms. We've been working closely with other schools in forming this new anti-bullying policy. So we expect your full attention as we begin with a special performance from the New Directions," he said in a flat tone before stepping away from the microphone. The glee club began entering from behind a screen that was set up in the middle of the basketball court and stood in their places.

"Thanks Principal Figgins," Finn said stepping up to the mic. "Uh, hi. My name's Finn Hudson and uh, I just wanted to introduce our next number. But before I do, I have a few things I want to say, on behalf of myself and all the kids behind me," he said, turning around for a quick look at the glee club. "The bullying at this school is out of control. And we're all guilty. I would bet money that everyone in this room has bullied someone at one point or another. But we have to stop it." He spoke confidently and it was actually pretty sincere. At least, considering it was coming from Finn. "We have to stand up to bullies. We can't keep sitting back and doing nothing. I'll be the first to admit I've been a bully. I've treated people badly for no good reason. I've judged harshly. I've acted like a jerk. And I'm sorry for that. But I want to be the first one to make a change and stand up to bullying, to stand here and say that it's not going to happen again," he declared. "We all do," he continued, motioning to the kids behind him.

"Now I know that it's not always easy to put aside your differences. It's not easy to make friends out of enemies in high school. But we want to perform something for you guys that will prove it's possible," he said. "It's possible to work together and take a stand against bullying. So this song is for anyone who is different. Who feels like they can't be themselves. Who feels like no one has their back. This song is for all of those kids. Because you're not alone." The gym was dead silent, hanging on to his every word. "This one's for you buddy," he said, looking over at me. I gulped as he stared into my eyes. "We've got your back." Quinn leaned closer and grabbed my arm with one hand, using the other to run down my spine. I turned to look at her and she was beaming.

"Just wait," she said.

"And now, I'd like to introduce some guests for our performance, the Dalton Academy Warblers," Finn said turning around. Two lines of Dalton students filed out from behind the screen with their hands behind their backs wearing their uniforms. Right in the front was Blaine. I turned to Quinn with a shocked expression and I could see the excitement on her face. Even her eyes were smiling. "Without further ado, let's get out of the dark. The bad times are over. It's time for a new start for all of us," Finn said.

I heard the first few strings from Puck's guitar before the Warblers jumped in and began singing, following by the New Directions. Almost right away, Blaine broke from the Warblers and walked toward me.

_Here comes the sun,_

_ Here comes the sun and I say_

_ It's alright._

Blaine took my hand and began his solo, singing to me and pulling me onto the court.

_Little darling, it's been a long, cold lonely winter._

_ Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here._

As he sang to me, I was half embarrassed to be brought up in front of everyone, half euphoric he was singing to me. As if I couldn't be any happier, he put his arm on my shoulder and pulled me close to him. I could feel myself blushing, but soon, the whole group began singing again.

_Here comes the sun,_

_ Here comes the sun and I say_

_It's alright._

Then it was Quinn's turn. She followed us onto the stage and sang on the other side of me.

_Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces._

_ Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here._

She put her arm behind my back, sandwiching me between her and Blaine. The group began to sing behind us again and finally I joined in.

_Here comes the sun,_

_ Here comes the sun and I say_

_ It's alright._

The song continued and the New Directions began dancing with their Warbler partners, mixing the two groups into one mass of singers. The smile that took over my face was unstoppable. In a few moments, I thought back on everything I had been through. I had been on a free fall to destruction only to be saved by Blaine. Then I fell even deeper. And yet here I was, surrounded by friends, _true friends_, who saved me again. I was never so happy in my life. I knew that no matter what happened, I wouldn't let them down and they wouldn't let me down. And with their help, I was going to be a better person than I ever imagined. I pulled Quinn and Blaine closer to me and as the song ended and I was engulfed in the middle of a giant group hug from both glee clubs, I sang the last line, believing every bit of it.

_It's alright._


	30. Brave

**Epilogue - Brave**

_("Brave" by Gavin Mikhail)_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, their characters, setting, or plot. All of those belong to Ryan Murphy, FOX, and their affiliates.

The icy grass crunched beneath my feet and I dug my hands into my coat pockets as I pulled my body in close to keep me warm. The fierce Ohio winter was giving us our final freeze of the season and the wind was blowing hard across my face. I was more focused on my surroundings. It had been almost a year since I was at Dalton, but I finally came back for something special. Something totally worth the trip. As I walked across the quad, I caught sight of my old dorm, still looking the same, but somehow strangely different. Like I was looking through a kaleidoscope. Behind me, the observatory was sitting on top of the hill and in front of me was Blaine's dorm. I walked around it and made my way across campus noticing small changes they had made here and there. A new sign had been put up outside Dalton Hall and there were sheets of yellow paper in the windows of the academic buildings that declared "Bully-Free Zones."

As I crossed the street and made my way toward the auditorium, the balloon in my stomach began to expand. It was nerves, but it was the good kind, like before you go on for a performance or when you're waiting for people to start showing up to a party you're throwing. I opened the lobby doors and was greeted by warm air. After pulling my hat off and unbuttoning my coat, I ran my fingers through my hair to keep it neat. I slid quietly through the back door of the auditorium and took a seat in the last row. The Warblers were sitting on the stage obviously finishing up a rehearsal for Regionals. I heard Wes bang the gavel against the stage floor and the club began to go their separate ways.

Blaine was in the front row messing with his bag. It was now or never. I got up and began walking down the aisle of the auditorium with more courage and confidence than I ever had at Dalton. "Hey you!" I called as I got closer. Blaine looked up with a surprised expression that turned into a heart melting smile.

"What are you doing here?" he asked as I walked up to him and gave him a hug.

"I have something I needed to tell you actually," I explained.

"Funny," he replied. "I have something I needed to tell _you._"

"You first," I answered playfully.

"No no no," he said waving his hand. "_You_ first." The last of the Warblers were leaving the auditorium when I took a deep breath and took his hand in mine.

"Okay, I wanted to talk to you about, well, _us_." He raised his eyebrows, the smile never leaving his face. "We've been taking this one day at a time, just like we said we would, and that's awesome. But it's been almost three months now and I know that's not a long time, but I feel like a completely different person."

"You are," he said, nodding.

"The point is, well, I don't know…we hang out all the time, we spent Christmas and New Years and Valentine's Day together, we tell each other everything." I gulped before continuing. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you. I never stopped loving you. I knew the whole time that you were the guy for me. It was always you. And I want us to be more than friends. I want to be your boyfriend. I know that I let you down last time, but like I said, I'm a completely different person. Somewhere in the past two years, I grew up. And if you'll have me, I promise I'll be the guy for you." As I was making my case to Blaine, I gave myself a pat on the back, at least in my head. This was coming out better than anything I could've said in Na'vi. "I promise I will do whatever it takes to make you happy. I may not be perfect, but I'm perfect for you and I know it. I'm so proud of what we've come through and I promise I will never let go of you. I will give anything up for you. And if you take me, I'll be brave for you." I exhaled one big breath, a wave of relief coming over me as I finally got all of my feelings out in the open.

"Yes," he said simply, a smile on his face.

"Yes?" I asked as though I didn't believe it was that easy.

"Yes!" he answered, nodding. I was ecstatic as he moved closer and I pulled my arms around him, finally giving him a warm kiss. Finally, after months of wanting nothing more than to kiss him, I earned that privilege. His lips touching mine sent a bolt of electricity down my spine and I felt a familiar rush coursing through my body. Finally, we broke our kiss and he leaned into my arms which were clasped behind his back.

"So what is it you wanted to tell me?" I asked him curiously.

"My parents finally decided to move closer," he said excited.

"Really?" I asked. He nodded. "Nice."

"Sam, they're moving to Lima," he replied as he looked at me beaming. "I'm transferring to McKinley next month." The balloon in my stomach burst and before I could think, I pulled him in for another kiss, this one fiercer and more passionate than ever. I was so happy I wanted to take him and hold him tight and never let him go. As our kiss ended, I leaned in, our foreheads touching, the smiles still etched in our faces.

"So this is what it feels like to get a happy ending in the movies?" I asked him.

"No," he replied. "This is what it feels like to get a happy beginning." I smiled and kissed him again. If there was one thing I was sure of, as I stood there with my boyfriend latched in my arms and my life getting better every day, it was that I was going to do whatever it took to stay true to myself. Because that's all that matters in the end. I was going to be brave. I wasn't going to fight it anymore.

**Afterward – A Note From The Author**

After almost a year and a half of planning, writing, revising, and rewriting, I am finally finished with _Still Fighting It_. I am floored at how receptive the readers have been and I can't begin to show enough gratitude. Naturally, after spending so much time with this story, I wanted to share some of my own thoughts with you, the reader.

Before I say anything more, however, I need to first say _thank you_. This story is the product of so much support from people all over the world. To all of the readers who commented, reviewed, messaged me, promoted my story to other fans, and anything in between, I can't say thank you enough. _You _are the reason this story is finished. The most amazing part of writing this was the fact that I was blessed with such an astounding audience to share the story with. I owe so much to all of you and I cannot express enough gratitude. I am blessed to be able to share this experience with such phenomenal people.

Writing has always been something I've done for myself. Rarely do I ever share my writing and I've never finished a full story until now. I take an immense amount of pride in the fact that I completed an entire story from start to finish. I developed this and brought it fully to life and that makes me prouder than anything. It validated the fact that writing isn't just something I do to waste time or some mediocre skill that I have. I was able to finish this and if I can do it, any aspiring writer can too. I've read some other fan fiction online and many people have even said to me, "it's not as good as your writing." But writing shouldn't be about comparison. It is about expressing yourself through words, whether in private, or to share with an audience. For any other aspiring writer, take my advice (even though who am I to really give advice?) and keep writing. I have scraps of stories that laid around for years and they helped contribute to this story. I never intended them to be used in this context when I first wrote them, but they became useful later. Keep writing and never give up.

This story is not perfect. Perhaps I'm my own worst critic, but I still find flaws in the storytelling, in the characters, and in the structure of the writing. But overall, I'm happy that I told the story I originally set out to tell. I conveyed the emotions I wanted to and the audience has, for the large part, connected with me on that level. I will say that despite its flaws, _Still Fighting It_ is a powerful story. It didn't end the way I originally outlined, but it still serves its purpose. Many things changed along the way and writing it was a process, and an emotional one at that. There were lots of moments of writer's block, plenty of hard decisions to make, and times when I wanted to throw the entire thing away. On the other hand, there were times when I was ecstatic reading reviews or felt that rush of emotions hit me as I wrote a particularly dramatic scene. Regardless, I'm happy for the chance to have grown as a writer.

I hope that those of you who have read the story feel something different. I hope that I connected with your emotions. I hope that you walk away happier, or better, or at the very least entertained. If I've done that much, the hours I spent working on this were worthwhile. I always wanted my writing to be interactive and create a dialogue with the audience. I am keen to hear your voice as a reader and would encourage you to visit . and message me with your thoughts. You'll also find links to Behind the Scenes videos, fan art, and other interesting things. Even though _Still Fighting It _is complete, I won't stop writing. This book is only a small part of my journey as a writer and I hope you'll stay with me as I go on to write more.

With much love and gratitude,

_A. Gates_


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